Walking the path to my own happiness

[mamabird]

FM...

Trust me, he does not feel he is in control or has power. He is lost and these are defences from hurt and mistrust. I honestly don't want power or control in the R but rather balance. my W wants control.

I can see this in my M. Probably, you are right... H does not really want control, but I think in order to be balanced you have to consider the other person's needs. He does not do that. For example, one of the things I've been thinking about recently is that he doesn't help me much. I come off as capable and whatever, so to him that = she doesn't need any help. Well, Acts of Service is a big LL for me so I feel like my needs aren't being met = no balance.

Do I want control? Yes. I do. At least in some areas, like the finances, because he can't manage finances. I want my own stipend to pay the monthly household bills, the kids stuff, pay down debt, buy a few things for me and save whatever is leftover.

Are there things I can't control? Yes. Am I going to have to get better at dealing with that? Yes.

I will read the DR section on infidelity again. I have had trouble understanding his deal on this, especially around OM1 since "nothing happened" between me and him, but I understand better now that it his issue was more around the deceit and my refusal to give up OM1. That also is a serious infraction on my part.

Remember too, he is feeling verbally and psychologically abused, neglected, love and affection withheld and given elsewhere too.

I do understand that and it's clear that I did some not-so-nice things over the years to foster those feelings. I'm just not sure how to go about repairing the damage at this point.

So let's talk about his needs for a minute.

Just before you joined the board, FM, I went through a period of being very loving towards H. He mostly accepted it and it made things a lot smoother and led towards us being able to co-exist somewhat peacefully. Then, the day after his birthday, he went on a date with someone else. We had been invited to a birthday party, which he blew off, and went out with this other chick (I went to the party by myself, achieved a perfect buzz, and had fun.) He says there's nothing going on with this girl, which I know is not really true since I went through a prior period of looking at his phone. Sure, maybe they are not dating but definitely an EA of sorts there.

So, after that happened, I got cold again. We started with that horrible MC. Not that I would have expected anything too much different, but most of the time in there was him lodging his complaints - and because he was the hurt partner, he got to run the show. Is that how it was with you too?

I think my H has low self esteem. No, I know that. He even admitted it to me last night when I asked him why he verbally abused me. I am sure that doesn't help him much in all of this because deep down inside he has felt he wasn't good enough and then I went and proved it to him.

I suppose I had some sort of expectation that things would be a little better by now. Yes, we made some great progress in Sept and Oct because I was being loving towards him. On Christmas Eve I reached for his hand and he said "No thank you." He declines any and all social invitations now. We did go to a few parties together over the holidays but basically it was like 2 strangers sharing a ride. He actively avoided me both times. It is like being stabbed in the heart each time. I probably won't even attend our school's fundraiser this year because I just don't want to deal with one of two potential outcomes: 1) avoiding him or 2) going by myself. As of now, the chance that we'd go and he'd be at all interested in me is basically zero. Maybe I'll go and work the whole time so I will have an excuse not to socialize. Sorry to sound like Debbie Downer about it.

I told H last night that I have no good faith left. All I have left in me now is to try to stay civil. Yes, I can not frame things so negatively. Yes, I can try not to start any fights. Yes, I can not nag him or get in his business. I still cook his dinner, wash and fold his laundry and bring him a cup of coffee as he sits down to work, I can continue to do that much, be nice, ask him about his day and how things are going. But I feel like I have to put me first now... not the M. I don't trust that he won't hurt me again, either. Honestly, FM, it hurts too much to keep trying and to keep being so flatly rejected and I just can't do it anymore.

My best hope is for saving the R now is for us to S and start over. Hopeful said don't think of saving your M, think of it as starting a new one. The only problem is, H can't see his way to ever forgiving me so I'm not sure it will ever happen. He happens to be a champion grudge holder.

Just as an aside, I've known H since the 7th grade. One time, I was talking on the phone to him and my friend was listening. He didn't know. Again, somewhat of a deceitful crappy thing to do, but we were in junior high which I think is enough of an excuse right there. Anyway, my friend's dad gets on the phone and tells her to get off. So, of course, H was freaked out. I apologized to him and bought him a card too, and he was nasty about it for quite some time. He had every right to be upset but I remember him not forgiving that for a very long time. Thank goodness he has forgotten about it or I'm sure it would be part of his big character flaw argument.