Walking the path to my own happiness

[FloydMan]

Well I think we can help each other here because I am in your H's shoes and you are in my W's. At least as far as the A is concerned. Much of the dynamics of the M are different but some are very much the same. So...
Look at things with a little less confrontational wording. For example...instead of a 'standoff' you are at an impasse. Now, instead of who will take the first step to D, who will take the first step to Reconciliation. This will be you as you are already taking the lead by doing this and he is at a loss for answers too.
'Power grab' and 'control play' are what you are perceiving. My W says the same thing about me and honestly I have said similar things your H has. Trust me, he does not feel he is in control or has power. He is lost and these are defences from hurt and mistrust. I honestly don't want power or control in the R but rather balance. my W wants control. Perhaps I am wrong on that assertion but that is my perception. Same with you and your H. Trust had been broken and that is hurt he is feeling. There is a very key line in Affair the Affair referring to nonreactive listening. It says something like: "Do not listen too closely to your partner's insults.......try to go beyond your partner's words and hear the hurt behind them". Your H does want healing but he is afraid and defensive. So the explicit message the book says does apply. Also, remember DB is about one person doing it, not necessarily both at first. Read DR about infidelity again. this is an outline that is consistent with all experts in this field. It is hard work, they make no mistake in saying so. This is not your spouse specifically and his need for control or power. This is any betrayed spouse that would feel this way, male or female. Yes, he needs to be sure before he invests his heart (men have hearts too) again. This is where you take the lead and control without it being perceived as such.
Remember too, he is feeling verbally and psychologically abused, neglected, love and affection withheld and given elsewhere too. This is what my W does not understand and it is very frustrating for me to know that she does not get that. I had apologized many times for my role in the M breakdown but maybe not the language she understands. This is not a shot at you but it did happen 2x so he is right in his concerns. It cannot be about words you say, but rather actions. Don't worry, you are not a bad person or a psychopath. Just a lost, hurt and confused person like the rest of us here. Clearly you are trying, and that is worth a medal in itself. Go for the gold.....but any competition and championship and success comes with sacrifice, hard work, endurance and commitment. If he sees gains, he will jump on board.