I knew better...but I did it anyway...

[Sweetbriar]

I need advice badly. I received an email from H tonight. This email sounds very nice and sane to me and it is making me wonder if he has other motives. He knows that baby is coming in 7 weeks and all of the sudden he is interested in him. Im just would like to know how I should proceed with responding.

Before I post the email..I would like to say that all the things in this email are, of course, not true and his idea of what is happening. I am NOT keeping him from his kids, nor am I angry when they see him. I will say that I do not want him to be at the sonogram or the birth, because I do NOT feel comfy with those arrangements. That is true. I am concerned that he is all of the sudden interested in the baby.

Here is the email and I have a few questions at the end about it...

SB-
He is not even born yet, but I can't stop worrying about my relationship with my son.

I don't think you realize how important it is for me but for him too, to have a full and loving relationship with his father. I know you are hurting and upset and angry with me. I totally get and understand that. We must, however, make sacrifices for the good of our children and this is one that you HAVE to make. I acknowledge that I said some awful things about him when we first found out you were pregnant. I regret them tremendously and feel guilty all the time for having said them. When I said them, however, things were extremely difficult and I said them out of fear.

I want desperately to be involved in all aspects of his birth (appointments, sonograms and actual birth). I realize that it is probably awkward and difficult but it is not something that we can ignore. I think we need to have a discussion, probably face to face, where we can discuss this and come to some sort of a compromise. I am his parent too and just because you are pregnant with him doesn't give you the right to alienate me or exclude me from everything. I was supposed to be the one who bought his crib and dresser. Why, if you knew that, would you make other arrangements?

What's become of us is sad. I worry about you all the time and only want the best for you. I doubt that this notion is reciprocated and that's sad. You say you care about me and love me, but you purposely try to hurt me through our kids? D14 told me that you forbade them from seeing me this weekend? Why? Do you think that's in the children's best interest? To keep them from a father who adores them and wants desperately to see them? I know that you get upset with them when they spend time or want to spend time with me and I think that's the ultimate in mistreatment. It was the fundamental problem in our marriage and it continues. People are either on your team or they're not... and if they're not, they better watch out! Guess what Jenn? I am on your team. I love you and want to take care of you all.

There are no shortage of victims in this. I think that we all are. I've made choices and you've made choices. When you choose to treat someone a certain way, you are choosing not only that, but the consequences that this brings. That being said, our marriage was NOT all bad. I fondly remember so much of our life together. You are a great person and I know that your strength will land you back on your feet. You have so much to offer and I know you will make someone happy.

In the meantime, we must always make decisions with our children's best interests in mind. I think they have been unnecessarily involved in too much. As a result, this situation has been more traumatic for them than it ever should have been. I know they're upset with me and say angry things about me. I understand that, but I wonder if you scold them or tell them that their dad loves them when they do. I hope you're not in some way condoning or even encouraging this type of behavior. They ALL need to love and respect their dad!

In closing... about the baby. I haven't been involved in anything... any of the decisions (name being a big one). You can say I'm just the "sperm donor", but guess what? Not only am I financing all of it, but I am the type of man who WANTS to be involved. I'm not the scumbag that you make me out to be.

Please consider letting me come to the sonogram on Monday. Please also consider having a discussion about what our compromise and arrangement might look like. I know it's going to be hard for you but we ALL will be better for having done it.

H

Now, as far as the comment about forbidding the kids to see him this weekend...I am away for the weekend and my mom is there with them. It is MY weekend to be with them and I told them that if dad does want to see you he will have to wait until next weekend. ( I usually let them go whenever, regardless of whose weekend...but this weekend I didnt want my mom to have to deal with any arrangements). Also, as far as not including him in any decisions...he has not asked until now. It was only last month that he asked to come to an appt and I orginally said maybe but changed my mind after all the nasty texts I received last week.

Im very confused. I find myself, once again, thinking in my mind that maybe it was my fault. BUT..I know it wasnt. The comment about mistreatment baffles me. If he EVER felt that way he never told me???

It makes me so sad to hear him say that I am a good person, he loves me, and that will make someone else very happy one day. I must say, as crazy as he has acted..this email sounded very sane to me. Although, he never says anything about what he has done other than he "made some choices".

I need help...what do you think about this email? How should I respond? I dont want to alienate him from his kids, but they make their own choices and as far as the baby, I feel like he gave up his rights to the birth and the naming, etc when he walked out on me. For 32 weeks he has not cared and now all of the sudden he takes and interest? I cannot help but to think this note was to sweet talk me because the birth is near???

Am I just being mean thinking that? I need real advice....I can handle it if I am wrong in thinking this way.

Why, unless he really means it, would he basically say that he wants me to move on? Why if Im a great person and he has fond memories is he still choosing to leave me forever? Also, is it normal for a WAS to be nice sometimes and write nice things?

One more thing..we dont need to meet face to face because we already have an agreement. The kids see him once a week and every other weekend if they want to see him. The decisions on the baby will be made after he is born. Why do we need to talk about it at all? He is actively seeing OW and living another life. I even wonder if she helped him compose this email?

Im soooo confused....all help is welcome.

SB