Walking the path to my own happiness

[mamabird]

thank you FM - no offense taken, you are very kind and I know you are here to help...

I'm going to answer your questions a bit out of order:

It seems you and your H are both waiting for the other to prove who is more committed.

I don't know that this is true... he doesn't seem committed at all. It's more of a standoff on who is LESS committed - who will actually take the first steps towards S or D. That's how I feel anyway.

Really take heed of the healing advice on an A.

I'm really stuck on this one, quite frankly. I just don't know what to do, because I see H's position as one of a power grab. First of all, in After the Affair, it explicitly says that healing can only be done if both people want it. I asked my H to go through that book with me and he flat out refused. It is a process that we both need to participate in.

I did get him to read part of the book on his own. It specifically says that the wayward spouse should do what ever the betrayed spouse requires in order to rebuild trust. That would mean open access to email, phone, checking in, not going out, being an open book, basically. It DOES NOT MEAN "doing whatever the hurt spouse wants." I am perfectly willing to do all of the above, and more (such as sleep on a sofa bed for over 4 months). The examples given in that book are great and I only wish they were happening in my sitch. Bottom line, my H has no interest in forgiving me or rebuilding trust. He does have an interest in exerting control and punishing me.

Example: H said that "if I really wanted to make things right I would have stayed with that therapist." Control play right there... I told him after the first appt I didn't like that guy, but yet I agreed to see him ONLY because H wanted to. As Breakdown said, there comes a point where I have to consider me, too.

So. I am really open to any and all suggestions here. Bring them on. I just don't know what to do anymore. Breakdown said read the 5 Languages of Apology, which is a great suggestion. But as far as actions, I am stuck. DB says don't grovel, but H seems to want groveling. It's like he gets off on that in some sick way.

Just trying to help kiddo as it seems you are not ready to throw in the towel contrary to what you say you are doing. Clearly your H is not done with his actions contrary to his words. It is tough, hard and hurting on both of you.

This is true. I see the tiniest little glimmers of hope, at least I did in last night's conversation. Or, better stated, I'm pretty sure he's not done. BUT... he's also not willing to move forward. I would be willing to hang in there and try some more if I felt that we could somehow resolve all of this, but at no time over the last 7 months has H ever indicated that he's willing to forgive or change his mind. We talk and talk and talk and it always comes around to, "And that's why I can't be with you." So it's super frustrating for me, and that is why I had to decide to start letting go. It feels like he just wants to see me in pain... to pay back some of the pain I inflicted on him. He says he wants a good R because we have to co-parent (true) but I'm not sure how that can happen. I think that is cake eating... he wants to have a good R but doesn't feel that he needs to forgive me, treat me as if I have a valid point of view, or apologize for his own contribution to the disintegration of our M.

I hope it doesn't sounds like I'm blaming H for the A. I don't. That was my own choice. What I do blame him for is his verbal and psychological abuse, his withholding, his rejection. These are serious infractions in a M. Not being capable of dealing with this in a productive way (talking to him, going to IC) at the time, I chose a way that would be hurtful back at him. He accuses me of being calculated about it, but it wasn't as calculated as he thinks it was. I think that we have to justify our behavior somewhat so we can make sense of it. If we don't go through that justification process, then what we are left with is "I'm a bad person," "I'm a psychopath," "I have no character," etc... which is not compatible with any sort of self-worth.