House for sale. So Sad. Family Breaking Up (pt 2)

[FloydMan]

Thanks BD,
W read 5 LL’s last New Year's and I read it a few weeks before that in Dec 2011. The MC then had us do the assessment on-line. I did it immediately and I was like most men...Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. W kept putting it off doing it and putting it off. Then she did it in April and would not tell me and all she said is that she was two as well and she was surprised but refused to share the results and seemed disappointed it was not what she thought. I suspect one is WoA as well because she certainly was wounded by the words I chose after the A was found out. She certainly does not like to be criticized and takes it personally. Not bjust with me but anyone, boss, parents sisters etc etc. She will not even take constructive criticism and is great at turning around blame. She always claimed prior to reading the book and doing the assessment it was Quality Time and Acts of Service so I worked so hard for so long in these areas but to no avail. Clearly I disappointed her in some area but if she can't help me know what she wants, what can I do? Go full throttle on all 5?
I am more modest and she has criticized it as lacking confidence. Weeks before she quit on this M, she grabbed me in the morning as I was leaving for work and told me she loved me ... looking at me square in the eye. I should not have questioned it but I asked "do you? Do you really?'. She said "yes, I love you. I really do". I left with a smile. The next day I was recognized at work and she sent me an email that read: " I know you are uncomfortable with compliments, but I am proud of you. You have the smarts, the looks and the humour". She was reaching out, but was it genuine? It was literally 3 weeks later she hated me as I still struggled with the A and trust and she was done. What I really wanted to hear all along is a look in the eye and promise she would never, ever do that again and actions that support that. I never got that in the 7 months dealing with it on my own.
RLA, I read your earlier post and I can tell you an A is more overwhelming that the betrayer will ever realize. I am not saying this or what I am about to say as laying blame or guilt, but rather try to give you insight from this side of the fence, as your posts have given me insight too. Yes, your H does need that assurance otherwise it will fail…..we were well warned in MC. My W ignored the advice of the 2 MC’s, the books After the Affair and 5LL’s, along with other publication by the more prominent people on this topic. Read Divorce Remedy chapter on Infidelity again too. They all say the same thing and the prescribed route. These are the best minds in the world on this topic and to ignore that advice and the advice of people that have been through it just for sake of pride and stubbornness in my view a little selfish in light of what I was put through. Sorry but I am being kindly blunt. It may not be selfish, but sure comes across that way. You cannot blame the betrayed spouse for the A because your needs weren’t met or any other reason. Was his needs met? Was mine? Don’t know about your H, but mine weren’t. I dropped the ball in other areas and worked hard to correct them as prescribed. Both spouses are responsible for the dysfunction of the M leading to the A. But the Betrayer needs to own this and make it right as much as possible. Don’t look at it as “the land of guilt and self-flaggellation” as you say. Look at it as prescribed medication. My W has been on Blood Pressure meds for 5 years and takes them religiously because the doctor says she needs them for her health. Well, 2 doctors and the best in the business prescribe this method of healing so why is it brushed off. Sometimes the medicine is bad tasting, but needed. It would not last forever, but required for trust to be built.
It seems you and your H are both waiting for the other to prove who is more committed. Well, is DB not teaching us to take our own action and put it in place and not worry about the other person and what they do? Take action. I am glad you are going to MC. Really take heed of the healing advice on an A. It is not about blaming the A or the reason for it, but it does need to be addressed and dealt with. Actions speak louder than words of promise. I going to post this part on your thread in case you don’t see it here too. Just trying to help kiddo as it seems you are not ready to throw in the towel contrary to what you say you are doing. Clearly your H is not done with his actions contrary to his words. It is tough, hard and hurting on both of you.