Have been working 7 days a week. The good part of this is that it keeps me too busy to get into too much trouble.
I have no idea what's happening marriage wise. Its very strange. Surface still seems "ok". No ML, but otherwise the same.
I have been deliberately stopping myself from thinking about the sitch. Every time my thoughts turn that way I visualize a big red STOP sign and repeat what has become my mantra "Concentrate on the task at hand." It seems, for now, to be working. No tears since Christmas day. Yay me.
I am looking forward to us getting our taxes filed because after that I can proceed with school funding attempts. The thinking here is that I want to be able to support myself and even 50 hours a week at fast food land isn't going to do that. I figure if he won't leave, after me asking him to twice, that I will have to. It will prob work out to be his "2 year time" frame any way, but at least I will be ready, or at least "more ready", to take care of myself.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Just found that he sent me the email below before he left for the weekend. It is not usual for him to send such an email.
And note that he signed it "Love XXX" - this is also not usual.
Maybe this is pursuit because he recognizes my growing distance?
Funny though, how things change. A few weeks ago finding this sort of email would have made me happy, given me hope. Now it just makes me wonder...
XXX,
I am off to the riches of playing Black Jack and Poker. I refrain from using the word gambling because I am not a gambler. Here's to a good weekend, wish me luck, see you soon.
Love XXX
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Having a bit of a low day. Not sure why. Prob not focusing enough on the here and now. Trying to visualize that big red STOP sign with little success. Maybe it got run over....
Do have a query for one and all. I would like opinions on the following.
Scenario 1
Boss tells me she has to have surgery next week. She's upset/angry because corporate isn't giving her time off or a leave, but rather terminating her employment. (I commiserate, tell her how sorry I am to hear of both her medical and work troubles. That I will really miss her because she has been wonderful to work for. Agree corporate is being lousy to her.)She says I'm the only person she's told so far.
Scenario 2
Friend texts me to catch up. Tells of her parents' health issues and mentions that she "finally got the hysterectomy she's been wanting". I sympathize over parent's health issues and express best wishes for speedy recovery from hysterectomy.
H learns of the above convo's. Says "What is wrong with you that you miss these social cues? You didn't handle this right."
He says I should have:
Scenario 1
Asked my boss what sort of surgery she was having.
Scenario 2
Asked my friend how she paid for her surgery ie insurance? etc.
So what do you think? H says these people were dropping hints that they wanted to be asked about the details and that because I didn't ask, I come across as unfeeling/uncaring. I think if they wanted to tell me details, they would've. I am not "friends" with my boss (remember speech about staff knowing their place...) but I do like her and thought I expressed genuine concern for her well being.
My friend is of course my friend, lol. BUT I was brought up to believe that personal finances were taboo for discussion. What on earth business is it of mine how she pays her bills?
Hoping for responses!!
Thanks for taking the time to read
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
You handled the conversations very well. You are right...if they wanted you to know their business, they would have told you.
I do think that your boss will eventually tell you what she's going in for in the way of surgery, but I wouldn't ask her as it may be something very personal.
As for your friend, she never mentioned being in a financial situation, so it would not have been proper to inquire about how she paid for the surgery or what her insurance covered.
I think your h is just being nutty. Let it go. You did the right thing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H left yesterday for weekly gambling trip plus to attend his S from 2nd M's engagement party. 2nd X will be there - the one he's pined for and not seen for over 20 years.(although last I heard he'd decided old gf/current ow is REALLY the one)
Night before he left he stuck to me like glue - nervous about reunion with 2ndX and her family. Whatever he doesn't find in me, he DOES seem to find me a source of comfort/security. SMH.
I surprised myself by being so calm about this reunion. For so many years I felt threatened by her, compared to her and found lacking, that I dreaded the day that they would meet again. Now, strangely, I don't feel dread or apprehension. Curiosity - definitely, would love to be a fly on the wall.
Have been having random moments of intense anger. Right now though, can't feel the pain. I liken it to a bruise that I press, wondering "why doesn't this hurt? It hurt just a few days ago..." But I'll take not hurting - even if its temporary.
Tax docs starting to come in Looking forward to starting steps toward schooling. Work hasn't "regulated" yet; don't know what my sched will be, or how many hours I can expect. Would like to join the local gym if possible - that too may hinge on the tax situation.
The kids are good. Ss16 got their licenses a couple weeks ago. Amazing how much easier that makes life! D18 has court this week for some of her youthful indiscretions. She's insisted on handling it all on her own. Frankly I'm concerned it will be more penalizing than what she seems to expect, but nothing I can do about that.
Bought H's dumb dog a Kong toy - it scared him silly. Dobie on the outside, chihuaha on the inside. My keeshond said "ooh ooh, let me have it!" And I did. After a few minutes Dobie decided maybe he wanted it after all. Fortunately they share well lol.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Oh, yeah! I can see why you'd like to be a fly on the wall when he sees xw after all of this time. I'm sure he'll tell you all about it when he returns home.
I hope things work out for you tax wise. I know you are hoping to get some things done if everything works out and you get refunds.
At least you will have a day or so of peace and quiet while he's away.
Enjoy what little time you may have while he's away.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Apparently XW2 screamed at him that he ruined her life. In their relationship, she is the one who left. And basically never spoke to him again despite having a child together. She never even fully explained to H why she left, instead said cryptically "If you don't know, I'm not telling you." H says through old gf/ow he has learned that a 3rd party told XW2 that H cheated on her. H swears he didn't. H feels he needs the opportunity to explain this to XW2 because part of her screaming was that "she married him for life" and he feels she's still in love with him (no ego insufficiency for H ) I don't follow his logic on how learning that she had been misinformed is going to make her feel better.
She sounds to me, as I play armchair psychiatrist without even ever having met her, as if she has some personality issues. Issues not unlike what MLCers have in that its all about her and an inability to see the big picture. The thought of H "fixing" her sounds to me like the blind leading the blind.
During his account to me he used the phrase
"I have to tell her she was wrong about me because it will help her to know that I did love her and had enough regard for her not to cheat."
May I say, AH-MAY-ZING. Simply amazing. H can lie there, next to a woman who has loved him through hell and back for 20 years, who he HAS cheated on, and say something like that. I didn't punch him in the face. Did consider it lol. But no, I didn't even comment on THAT verbal gift. Points for me maybe.
But from what H says (dubious source lol) he kept his cool through out the evening. His S even approached H and asked if he was ok, referred to XW2 as "crazy". And here's a funny thing, H's S never told XW2 and her family that H was going to be there. LOL. What a mess.
Read something the other day that I think applies to me.
Love mixed together with periods of scary behavior or of severe rejection, devaluing, or selfishness can produce a bond that controls you more powerfully than love that is given to you unaccompanied by these kinds of pain.
"rejection, devaluing or selfishness" describes an awful lot of my R with H. Being aware of this tether has allowed me to see how I am entangled and how I have allowed it to continue for so long. Maybe I'll even learn to undo the knots.
And meanwhile back on the "ranch" its pouring and we have a fair chance of getting flooded. ....wouldn't want to get bored I suppose....
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Oh boy, I'm sure that function was quite something. The xw2 screaming at him after all of these years. He's carried around a lot of guilt for that time. Trying to explain things to her after all of this time is fruitless, but maybe he felt he needed to get it off his chest.
I'm sure if he had told me that he had to tell her that he had enough regard nor to cheat on her, I think my jaw would have dropped. But, you did good and didn't say anyting about it.
I'm sure his S thought he'd better check on his dad since he pretty much created the messy situation by not telling people his father would be there. This function will be discussed by all for quite some time. Jerry Springer would have been proud! LOL!
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H has a ton or two of guilt which is of course part of his problem. And yes, he even used the "I have to get things off my chest" expression. Although he didn't get the chance because she did all the venting at the party. But I think they now plan to email so perhaps the opportunity will eventually come.
I expressed the idea that its possible her particular personality will not allow her to see his side of things even after he's explained them. "Do what you feel you must, but have no expectations" (Wonder where I got that from???)
I think he believes, as so many of us LBSs (which is what he was to her) do, that he can explain if just given a fair chance. (In my head I snort and think "yeah, good luck with that")
And my jaw did drop with the cheat/regard comment. But it was dark so no foul there lol. I do believe there was a bit of a pause before I responded though...
I've never met H's S but do wonder at the chutzpah of pulling this surprise on his family. Apparently H's S's fiancee was grateful that H was there to take the spotlight off her because it seems she's not completely comfortable around XW2 and XW2's parents.
Regarding Jerry Springer - can't remember if I ever mentioned XW2 was on Dr Phil? SMH SMH SMH.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I'm glad to see that they are going to email each other and hopefully get to a point of foregiveness and moving on. But, like you said...no expectations.
I do think that this is part of his journey and he's going back and revisiting the areas that have had a dark cloud over him. This actually might be a good thing for him.
I'm right there w/you about S inviting him and keeping it a surprise, but it sure did take the spotlight off of his fiancee.
I hope that this family gathering is a good start for your h in wanting to clean up his past and grow up. It's going to be a long road, but he may very well be starting to get in the trenches in learning more about himself.
You are doing great and I honestly don't know how you managed to remain so calm after he stated what he did. The pause before you responded said it alland it was priceless! Bravo!
Have a great day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
....wouldn't want to get bored I suppose....