My wife and I had a seemingly wonderful relationship for 10 years. We have two beautiful daughters, 8 and 4. We believe we were in a codependent relationship for most of our marriage, where I was the needy and dependent person and my wife took care of all my emotional needs because she liked the control. That balance, while unhealthy, worked for us for a long time.
Depression, low self-worth and lack of confidence inside me led me to not be as involved in our household as I should have. I’m still trying to figure out the whys for the things I did, or did not do, that caused my wife to start losing feelings and respect for me, so please bear with me. I’m not a jerk—I’m a very nice guy (perhaps a little too nice), I don’t drink or smoke, I don’t yell, I’m a great provider and a great dad. I’ve always treated my wife with respect and love, although internal stress caused me to withdraw occasionally. She was always there to pull me out of it, in addition to taking on more than her share of household/family duties. We decided from the beginning that she should be a SAHM until both kids were of school age, and this will end later this year when our youngest turns 5.
I think my wife started developing some walk away wife traits at the end of 2011. We never, ever fought or even had minor disagreements. My wife tells me now that she was always afraid of hurting my feelings because I have traditionally been a more sensitive kind of person and I hate conflict due to my parents’ nasty and messy marriage/divorce and due to my dad being a very controlling and verbally abusive parent. I think she tried too hard to make our marriage seem perfect both externally and internally, and eventually she just got tired. I had no knowledge of this, just as it seems a lot of men don’t have knowledge of storms like this brewing. Everyone we know thought we were the absolutely perfect couple who would be married forever.
My wife and daughters went on a 3-month vacation to my wife’s home country in May. We had planned this for years because we wanted both daughters to be immersed in my wife’s culture to better grasp the language and a sense of where their mom is from. It was greatly anticipated. My work schedule prevented me from going for long, and eventually my wife helped me decide that I shouldn’t go due to stress and because the one time I went with her early in our marriage I got terribly sick the whole time we were there. I should have gone this time even if only for a week.
My wife came back in July and told me that she had had an affair with an old acquaintance while she was there. She said that as soon as she got away from me, she felt like she had some sort of life crisis and moment of understanding that she no longer wanted to care about me like she always had, because I was too big a drain on her emotionally. I was devastated, but my wife wanted to work things out, and so did I. We both entered marriage counseling and individual counseling—for me especially because I finally want to rid myself of my unhealthy childhood. I had been feebly trying for the last couple of years, but my wife always made me so comfortable that I never tried very hard. I see all of it now, but it always seems to come too late. My wife wanted to understand what made her want to rescue me emotionally for so long instead of forcing me to deal with my issues on my own, and she’s been working with her therapist on breaking the codependency.
Things started well, but my progress has been pretty slow. I started off still looking to my wife for comfort and to prop up my confidence, and she told me and our counselor that those behaviors were off-limits, and the only way she felt she could separate from our unhealthy attachment was to detach as much as possible while still living together. It hasn’t gone well. She kept detaching until now she is just cold and distant. She says I am the one who has to do the lion’s share of changing and trying because she is too tired, but I need SOMETHING from her. It’s very difficult to approach someone who can barely look me in the eye and who pulls away when I try to hug or get near to her. She then tells me I have no confidence-- well of course not! She maintains that it is not her problem anymore, and I completely understand where she’s coming from. I keep telling her to have patience and understanding and to keep an open mind if she indeed wants this family to stay together. She tried for a little while but now has withdrawn further to the point where she now talks about divorce because she can’t take being here with me only taking baby steps.
What have I been doing? In addition to therapy, I have returned to the gym, started reconnecting with old buddies to start doing things with again, I’ve begun picking up old hobbies that I dropped in the name of being home with the family, and I have taken over control of most aspects of the house, yard, finances, discipline of the kids’, and I plan all sorts of family trips to places I never wanted to go before because traffic and crowds “stressed me out”. I’m picking up all the pieces of my life that I let go over the years, but my wife says it isn’t enough. The one big spot is that I don’t know how to love her like a man should, and she won’t tell me what that means. She says all the other changes are great but I don’t know how to express love. It is for this reason that she just can’t bear to live with me anymore. I’m afraid of this being too late, and I feel powerless to stop it.
I've tried bits of the 180, but I've always been afraid to implement it fully because my wife notices and tells me that I'm ignoring her and it must mean I am quitting trying to save the marriage.
