For some reason I feel like I'm defending myself to you.....I know I haven't followed the book verbatum but who has? I found this site back at what I thought was my lowest pt around march of last year. It gave me hope and another perspective. I'm not a patient man but I dug deep and found the strength to continue the fight. I worked on myself and my freindship with her and it was going well(I thought). Now after 6-8 months of improving on my issues and trying to be the best or better person that I can be its time for her to sink or swim. The cake eating has been physically/mentally exhausting! My health has declined lately. I decided it was time for the ultimation. Right or wrong I did it. And I think I'm ok with it. Wish she chose me but what can I do. I dont want to be a door mat and allow an affair under my nose any more. I know on this forum there are many people who have done this for many years, and if they are ok with that more power to them. Who am I to pass judgement? If any freind of mine had a wife that did this I would have been WTF? You deserve better dump her! LOL I think I did tell a freind that. Oh how its different if its you in the sitch!!
I am choosing to go along and work out the paperwork for the divorce so if/when it goes bad it won't be a ugly legal battle. With the housing market slump we will be happy to each walk with a little spending $$ in our pocket and I will be able to retain my business. If someone could guarantee me a good outcome I'd let everything go in a heartbeat. I'd proudly work at McD's if it meant my family would be together! But I'm realistic at this pt and need to protect myself and future.
Also with the way my spouse is wrapped up with th OM right now. i think she needs to find out on her own that the chances of it working with him are slim. 2 cheaters together. Hmmmmmm.
In the mean time I need to detached, regain my health, sanity ,focus on being a better father, and GAL.
I submit a couple posts 2 days ago and they havent been posted. Mods must be busy....
Anyways I've been trying to detach lately. Only responding to her texts that are business or kid related. And not instantly responing like I normally do.
Yesterday I thought I'd be nice and pick up the kids from school and have them at my place for her to pick up when she got off work. This saved her like 30 min in traffic! The kids and I got back to my place right after she pulled up. They hopped out of my truck and into her car. Not even a thanks...
She knew I had plans of going out with freinds last night and I wonder if that bothered her. Normally she would ask me to text her when I got home just to make sure I was ok. Not even that...
Hard to get any replies being on the 7th page... Mods a little help please?
Lonely day today. A little because I was recouping from the night before:) but mostly because I just like having the family around. I miss the energy it brings. Make sense? Kids should be back any minute so that will help out a bunch.
I was going through some boxes of stuff and found letters from my W from back in HS! Oh the memories. I also think I learned some of why she has cheated. I'll go into that on my next post as it may take a while and I need to get ready for the kid hand off. TTYL!
So going through old notes from HSI noticed a theme that I'm sad to have missed. She has a self esteem issue! She grew up in the shadow of her "perfect" brother. Her parents were hard on her always compared to him. The always let her know how dissapointed in her they were and way too critical and overbearing.
When I came along we clicked and she was able to "escape" from them. Then years go by and due to her immaturity I fell into the parental role. I never wanted that but it seemed to work. I was incharge of the financials and she was incharge of the sociable aspects of our life.
Years went by and I did my best to make sure we had a nice home, cars, clothes and had a good life. On the surface it was, I guess. I took care of all her material needs but failed taking care of her emotional needs. I became critical of over spending, immaturity and letting herself go. I know what an A HOLE! If I could take it back I would but I cant now. I just became comfortable and never thought we would be apart. Too comfortable...
Not taking all the blame but I feel this caused her to go out and look for someone else that told her what she needed to hear. Oh hindsite is what it is.....My guess is these guys told her what she wanted to hear and made her feel good enough. They did what I should have. I feel like i need to meet with her or email her an apology for this. But is that the reverse of detaching? Help!
Another bad nights sleep.. Had a breif texting conversation with W about final divorce paperwork. We are meeting with attorney today to discuss. I cant go into detail but her responses to me really pissed me off. I just ended it by telling her I was ticked off at her stipulations and I shouldn't have brought it up. She appologized and I didn't bother responding. Let her know what its like to be left hanging for a reponse for once.
On one hand I want to write her a good bye letter telling her thanks for discarding me like yesterdays trash and that I don't want her around doing little things for me to help ease her guilt. And the other part of me wants to write one apologizing to her for not being there for her emotionally all those years. Then my last thought is to just disapear somewhere nice and sunny for a few weeks or month to try to find myself again. Leave the cell phone at home and go. Oh if I didn't have kids this would be great!
I was doing much better today at detaching. The attorney had to reschedule so we had a breif text convo to make sure we could both make it. I kept it real short and didn't mention the night before. She texted me later something and I didn't bother responding. I worked a little today and restarted my gym membership. Hoping that will help me. Then grabbed the kids from school and brought them home.
After homework I decided to run an errand w/ the kids then go to MIL house. I wanted to see how she was doing and brighten her spirits by seeing the kids.She is having some medical issues right now so she is a little down. Everything was going ok then there was a knock at the door....My W showed up!! My heart dropped. I was hoping to not have to see her for a while to help "get over" her. I was silent and my mood changed immediatly. I think maybe I said 3 words to her. After about 20 min I told the kids it was time to head out and we left.
I know I should have been all bright and cheery but this knocked the wind out of me! Man maybe I do just need a long vacation without my cell phone. This detaching thing is the hardest thing in the world to me right now...... Any help anyone??
Thx Mr Bond....I'd love to be at a day at a time. More like 4hr block at a time rt now!
Last night after i got the kids in bed I was lying there reading 5 LL and she sent me a phone game challange. Its a game our whole faily has been playing for months but she hasn't responded to it being her turn on our game for a week or so. And she sent me a short message on it that just said "night". As eager as I was to respond I didnt just went back to reading. Not putting any hopes in it but funny how this basic withdraw /pursue thing works.
Then I had another terible nights sleep. Getting to sleep at 1 then having to get up at 6 while waking up every hr. That sux. Really took the wind out of wanting ot hit the gym after droping of the kids this am. Gonna take a quick rest then start my day and try to work out sometime later.
First of all, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. After the discovery of the three affairs, and ESPECIALLY the ongoing affair in which she broke up a marriage and likely deprived a baby of a father, I probably would not have been able to forgive her and would have shown her the door, and every judge and lawyer in town would have agreed with my choice. I doubt there would be a person alive who would have blamed me. But that's me...I'm not you, and I don't know you or your family dynamics, so who am I to judge? Only you know what you're willing to forgive.
These forums are the best place for you since you want to salvage the marriage. You are getting fantastic advice here, so continue to detach and GAL, as difficult as it may seem. Read and reread DB and DR, until you've memorized the strategies. Post here often. It's therapeutic. Continue to exercise and pursue hobbies. Be cheerful. Make her see what a fool she's being and what she's giving up. Don't play phone games with her! You want to be her husband, not her friend. Let interactions with her be limited to discussions of the kids or the finances. Don't bring up divorce matters unless she brings it up first. The marriage is not over until that divorce is final.
You can't force her to stop an affair, but at a minimum don't enable it. Don't do anything that will help her continue this life she has chosen.
Married 15 years, D5 x 2 W had EA and PA 10/2010 MC for a year improved things Alternate lifestyle, started 01/2012 has turned into a mess
My guess is these guys told her what she wanted to hear and made her feel good enough. They did what I should have. I feel like i need to meet with her or email her an apology for this. But is that the reverse of detaching? Help!
I believe EA's are built on how the OP makes her feel about herself. After all, she would not be attracted to anyone who caused her to feel bad about herself, right? That's how it worked for me. For OM to tell me I was beautiful, sexy, etc., was ego food to me soul. And, I think hearing it from somebody who isn't your H might help, also. When the woman hasn't been getting her emotional needs met by her H, and especially when she goes for a looooong time, then she can be vulnerable to an EA. It's not that she goes out looking.....but a co-worker may say something to compliment her, and keeps adding a little more as the days go by. She soon discovers that she needs to get this ego food on a daily basis. IMO, I don't believe a lot of women think about it as an A, when it first starts. It can start with just a simple word of appreciation, and by the time it has become an EA....she's hooked. And, I'm certainly not defending EA's here, just stating my opinion.
As with so many LBH's, you agreed to work on being friends with her. However, when the "friendship" became better, you thought it was the MR getting better. That is not how the WAW sees it. So, once again, you are heart-broken b/c it wasn't the response you expected.
Quote:
I know I should have been all bright and cheery but this knocked the wind out of me!
I'm not sure I agree that a LBS should act bright & cheery. There may some occasions where it could be applied, however, there are other times that the WAS sees through that behavior and thinks the LBS looks foolish. That isn't what you need, for sure. Instead of trying to be cheery, maybe focus more on projecting an "unconcerned" persona. (That's me, not MWD's advice.) The LBS is already having trouble keeping emotions under control, and his "timing" is out of whack....and to try to act all bubbly just doesn't always come across the way he intended.
Here's the thing to remember about the WAW who is in an A. It may not bother her to see you acting bright and cheery. But what would get her attention is to see you being unconcerned about what she does or doesn't do. When she shows up expectantly and she sees that it doesn't bother you. You aren't turned on.....neither do you fall apart. I'm not suggesting you should be cold toward her. That is where many men don't understand the detachment. They don't know how to detach without being cold. I'm saying to just work on being neutral. Maybe neutral comes before really detaching.
But the other LBS can help you with the detaching issues better than I can. My POV is from the eyes of a WAW who has been in an EA. My M survived my EA, and your M can too.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
