From the other persective...please..

[adinva]

Your marriage was in serious trouble because you both assumed it was stable and didn't need attention, and so you slacked off giving it attention. It is in more serious trouble now because his attention is being diverted, where he is getting in over his head with a supposed platonic friend and her drama of emotional instability and the addictive chemicals that secrecy and cheating bring out in the wanderer's brain that he will NOT admit to.

And now he says he's staying with you and you get to stuff him in the ground, but you don't get his whole heart and attention because he likes giving it elsewhere and boo to you if you think you should be getting it instead. That is a very selfish kind of love. And he is taking you for granted if he thinks that should be good enough for you and will be accepted by you, forever.

You should be loved by someone who loves you enough to want you to have your needs met. He acts like the fact that he'll leave his body in the marriage so you can bury it when he dies is doing you a huge favor that you should be glad of. And consider yourself happily married.

If you're trying to get him to admit he's doing wrong and right the wrong, you're working at the right angle. In my opinion only, I think you should be communicating to him what love is to you, what you're not getting, what you will NOT accept for your whole life, and how long you're willing to let this go on before you close the door and move on. Then, it is his CHOICE to meet you where you are and if he chooses not to, you know what to do. Right now you're making it his choice to decide what kind of a marriage you get to have and you have to like it because that's what kind of marriage you had before.

I'm not hearing that that's good enough anymore for you.

I think you guys really need counseling. You to grow stronger in establishing what you will not accept and what you are willing to do about it. Him to learn to hear you better and to recognize that he's offering you a crappy marriage and thinking you should be glad of it.

DB has an answer for you already. The spouse who had the affair comes back to the spouse because the spouse was someone only a fool would leave, the spouse kept the road home paved and smooth, and the WAS over time regretted his/her choice. DB says that REQUIRES you looking like your going to move on, and being OK with that, and withdrawing from him while he's straying so he more clearly knows he's making a choice and it has clear consequences...and he CAN make a different choice.

All the rest of the pieces are in his corner and beyond your control. You may do everything right and he may never fully invest himself back in your marriage. Then what will you do?