thank you for tips - i'm going to write them down and try and use- i have tried the posts place- i get confused. i tghink i just need to corral my self and dicipline me more about looking and searching. my impatience i guess.
i've never tried bookmark - so i will. i tried to click & go to that story you men6ioned- i couldn't find it- but will try again.
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I read that this is the worse thing we can go through and in some cases it's worse than being a widow, at least the dead don't taunt you, it's just over and you live with your beautifull memories.
\i've thought about this a million times too- it is true d4finitely. at least if a person died and left you- they surely didn't choose it. this business of this betrayal being their choice- that's the killer. they are CHOOSING to hurt us- abandon, whatever.
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I don't want to care anymore....at all, until he, if he, wakes up, but I'm not waiting, he would have to come find me
me either. i feel that way too. too darn much rejection going on here- me and this stupid sister of mine, h, it's very difficult to swallow that people you care about are avoiding you and proud of it. i guess that says it all- i need to just get the heck out of this all - (how you ask? not sure- but know it)
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I need to really have some meaning, something,someone to make me smile when I get up in the morning.
again- you are mirroring my own thoughts. it's true- it doesn't happen over nite. unfortunately -with the someone to have fun with, etc.- i've never thought we can walk out and "make that happen" -it's got to just happen. you know- i view love like the old metaphor about a butterfly landing on your stupid ole head (rather than chasing and chasing).
i guess as we slowly go about "OUR" lives and just get used to being us - by our selves- hopefully something (and not some bird pooh - will land on our heads - love ideally - who knwos what?) i'm willing to think there can be a million gajillion variations of othe5r kinds of lives and relationships- we only need to "be open" maybe - hopefully- i'm thinknig.....
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Your still more active than I, but I was never good at busy work. I'm thinking of going back into doing the carpentry around here I used to be pretty strong and pull out toilets and drywall, in my own house. H and I got close like that when we met, he was a hard working carp who taught me a lot at a rehab place he bought, good honest man he was.
wow- i would LOVE to be confident and try some carpentry. i'm pretty self-sufficient kind of gal- always think good workmen are few and far between and best job can be done by us- we'll live with it and appreciate it and really take the pains. i've had some amazingly scary workmen - who did amazingly junky work. h does stuff and is suchhhh a perfectionist- i'm spoiled a bit. i'm kind of messy- but afraid a bit of big power tools - i am very very careless and get engrossed and then (using a bandsaw on some wooden shapes i was cutting) found myself carelessly flicking away wood bits with my finger- rite there BY THE MOVING BLADE. i nearly fainted i was so surprised at my lack of attention. SO NOW i think i might cut off a finger or something- certainly not while i'm so fogged up and unfocused.
funny you saying about not being a "out of the house" action kind of gal. me 3ither. i was when we met- i got all home-ish and reclusive hanging around with this guy. now he's mr. outgoing and here am i?!!! i also don't want these fakie made up "gal" crap- i want real involvement and i want to wake up and look forward to day too.
i don't like the dark- it's ok- but i prefer sun. i go sit in whatever window is the britghtest. i think we're like plants & flowers- turn to the light always.
i'm a morning girl- first thing i get stuck into is the thing that gets done and gets the best of me.
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This link helped me see were that good guy went, I think you will like it as well. Your h had to be a good guy once because you loved him.
he was and i did- more than anyone in the universe. hence the depth of my disgust at "this" man. i am so sick of knowing he "wants less of me in his life" - i get to the point like you- i want to be gone and done. he can just forget he ever knew me- or find me. this business of being sick- momsick - jerk of a sister- (what ffeels like) evryone screaming at me- i am at some point here- maybe a dangerous point- maybe a totally liberating point. it all seems to be jumbling together- I'M NOT SUCH a bad guy- just a person who does try hard - I HAVE HAD IT THO- and i mean it. i do not deserve these jackasses dumping on my stupid ole head- i may be a jerk- but i care. if that means nothing- i cannot make them see a darn thing- and i do not care to try anymore. if they don't find things about me to make them WANT to like me or see the good- i do not care any more.
wierd how "stuff" of all sorts all of a sudden blomps up in a giant ball and becomes all more of the same. this woman is done here.
how the heck i step out of this big mix- i do not know. they can all figure it out by themselves . one other sister says we need a meeting (frankly, i do not care to even talk to or see this youngest sister that's been avoiding me for a couple years. her anger & disapproval and JUDGEMENT make her not want to see me- 2 years of that have finished me off rite now. i don't WANT TO MEET, SEE HER OR talk. she can run everything in the universe since she's thinking i'm pushy.
oh well- what? me nutball????/ i don't think so- i have such a long long fuse- but when it's done- it's done. i hate fighting- ilose all the time- BUT i can walk away and never look back. scary - but i know it about me.
oh well- this will all happen however it does. i'm not even going to have a plan or try or call or respond. she's in the driver seat (where she's appaently been yearning to be- take it_ ) enjoy...
