first time - need help still

[albamarie]

((((Nero)))) sorry to hear you sick with a cold
They can be the worst thing to get over, it really can take a toll. I hope your all snuggled up with some tea or soup, you don't want to be cold with a cold.

I'm glad to hear your mom is back home, it's best at that age to be home, especially if she can have care given.

Oh, do I know the need to feel great. I long for laughter, fun times, love and warmth, temp. and physical warmth would be wonderful. We have been beat down, continue to be in an unhappy sitch, and left for dead, well not quite, but left for sure.

I have accepted that my M and H will never be able to return to what was. It helps I guess in the grieving process, I feel like I spent the summer grieving for the death of my M, and the disappearance of my H. I would like to never feel like that again, thank you!

I feel better but still live in a bit of confusion as to were I am headed. He's to sick to be on his own, I'm to unemployed, we're too entwined still and could not afford D, or even separate housing.

I have to admit I am really starting to miss passion in my life. I miss holding hands, a kiss, a nudge, even just the look that passes between a couple. I like men...I don't hold any ill feelings for the lot of them.

I feel like at this time I am just riding it out to see what will be the end result. As alien as H is how could anyone come out of this without consequences? A miracle of God would have to be shot throughout his body in order for him to be the man I would want in my life.

I'm not holding my breath, I have never been so disillusioned about a human being that I loved soo much. I know you and all who read this really get that, we are all truly a special bunch who may be given just about all that we can handle.

Does God really not give us any more than that....oh I pray, do I pray!

Nero, take care of yourself. I love to order Chinese/Thai food when I'm sick and eat up all those veggies and soups to stay warm. That bath sounds awesome...you deserve the pampering!

[nero]

hey hi-

We have been beat down, continue to be in an unhappy sitch, and left for dead, well not quite, but left for sure.

you actually had to make me laugh with this comment- it's so true. even if the "left" is mental detachment on their part-

so, all things being considered - in my long long (or so it feels) life of 62 yrs- i'd say this particular "thing" is the worst one that's ever happened TO ME. NO KIDDING. IT'S a very big sort of realization and sounds soooo goofy "out loud". when i consider the people- tv shows, music, movies, etc. that surround us alllllll the time (not to mention tabloids!!!) alllll carrying on and on about everyone's divorces, broken herts- partners switching around here and there- it's awful. i am glad i've never dealt with it before- i wonder if that's why i cannot just quite (yet) see it as the total end forever here. (my r)(of whatever nature) with h.???

i've spent 47 years with two men- mostly one. i think i've been lucky- (it's surely run out now- my luck). doesn't change my essential (and maybe fatally wrong) optimism. (it's "nearly" dead- but i find not quite. i still am that same old person who isn't positive i'm totally "defeated".

oh man-

I feel like I spent the summer grieving for the death of my M, and the disappearance of my H. I would like to never feel like that again, thank you!

I feel better but still live in a bit of confusion as to were I am headed

Ta Da - well put- me too.... yeah - where the heck are we "on our road" to?? i'm askin ya.

I have to admit I am really starting to miss passion in my life. I miss holding hands, a kiss, a nudge, even just the look that passes between a couple. I like men...I don't hold any ill feelings for the lot of them.

me either really (tho i am suspicious of all the secret baggage most seem to have). it's merely that i do not know- nor can i imagine who that "other person" might be that would appeal to me. it's been like forever since i've had that kind of a feeling about some other man. i wonder why i am sooo unable to fathom someone else being in the knd of r we had- which was essentially someting i think fit us both so darn well- (apparently i'm wrong about him-) but this is me speaking. for me- i wonder if there's someone as liberal and free from all the usual pitfalls of men - i do not know. it sounds very dumb now that i'm saying it out loud. this is a NO THINKER kind of thing- one could never imagine who and what presents itself in life- i'm stopping rite here imaginging one darn thing.

it will be a mighty tough act to follow for anyone- should be interesting- that one thing. i do not at this moment tho- have a desire to date & make it happen. probaby age- i'd like it- but i'd like it to fall on my head thanks. same with job- want it- lazy girl about "getting" it- would also like tht to fall on my head.

not likely to happen i know- but hey - my fantasy here today. viola' life turns great & falls on my head.

I feel like at this time I am just riding it out to see what will be the end result. As alien as H is how could anyone come out of this without consequences? A miracle of God would have to be shot throughout his body in order for him to be the man I would want in my life.

again- well put- mirrors my own feelings at this moment.

I'm not holding my breath, I have never been so disillusioned about a human being that I loved soo much.

i know- would you ever in your wildest moment forseen this? i still (while believe me- i've accepted) find it like an increedibly bad bad dream & hard to fathom it being reality. i know it is- i have moments of slipping back to the "why" thought and immediately stopping it. i cannot think about this crap any more- i just can't. i can hardly talk bout it- i just don't even want to hear myself- think about it- anything.

I am DONE DONE DONE - REALLY. i HOPE ALSO that there is a God looking over us and this business of never more than we can stand- well, i don't know. i think we just endure and endure in response to what is heaped on. if you saw anything like this coming- you could not possibly "do it". if it blind-sides you, the combination of will, surprise, hope, optimism- intestinal fortitude, whatever - just makes you keep taking that stupid ole one more step- one more, one day, one

nurse at mom's - gotta go. keep the faith deariexxoo

[albamarie]

Hi Nero, I may not know where I'm headed but I know I will not let my H take me down. I have spent these days reading up on and putting some things in place for my safety.

The biggest debt we have is this house, and as far as credit cards I have untangled that mess today. H opened a card today in his name only absorbing the little bit of debt we have from his tools onto his own credit.

With grown kids, no other property, and an agreement on the cars, I think I can get pretty untangled from him by spring. I have not decided to file yet but incase he springs it on me the only response I want to have is, when!

Health insurance is my biggest worry, but I guess getting a job would help with that, huh! I have been reading alot about D and how to be prepared and things to make sure my L would have in place. It's getting less scary everyday.

Honestly, I would go out tom. if I was asked. I am so disgusted by h that I would love some confirmation that there are some good men out there. We're not defeated, defeat would imply we gave them the power to take us down, hell no!

Do you miss your H when he's gone, is it getting easier to not have him there knowing that it's not ''him'' anyways? I don't miss anything because nothing comes home, well maybe an ashtray oh and a grouch, no I don't miss mine.

I hope your feeling stronger from your cold. It's not a good feeling doing it alone but come spring you will blossom and be stronger than last, because there is know where for us to go but back up. We are not MLC, yea, that's all them. $ucks to be them!!!

Good to be you....

[nero]

hey hi-

nice to hear your voice. you sure sound positive and on an upward slant there. good for you. i guess getting "used to" an idea is the worst part. you sound pretty much resigned to thinking d is the way you'll go. either by decision or default-

I just erased the rest of my note here and will come back later. i'm crabby and unpleasant. i'll spare you- (whattagal)

back later - glad you sound so good. yay

xxo

[albamarie]

Hi Nero,
I think I'm doing it the hard way also but if I really want to keep up with a thread that I wrote on I go into, my stuff - posts, to at least check on those I have written to. If I have a favorite I need to read and read, there're a few, I bookmark it, cause those are usually the ones for when I'm upset.

The site itself stays in my favorite or most visited...the first page of my search engine. It's really about searching for me, but I love research, I like when I stumble upon something new and useful.

You have to read the link on my thread it is such a revealing story, sad , true, and I learned some thing new for myself. On the left side bar there are other interesting reads as well.

I read that this is the worse thing we can go through and in some cases it's worse than being a widow, at least the dead don't taunt you, it's just over and you live with your beautifull memories. I'm glad I read that cause I have been thinking it, oh have I ever, especially when he screams for it, I'm like "do you hear him".

But, I have to learn more and more everyday not to focus on him and learn who I am....ok it's hard for me but its my only way to move on, I really want out of here.
I can't imagine another summer alone on my porch watching Netflix alone at night just to get away from him on the couch or cause he's galavanting around town.

I don't want to care anymore....at all, until he, if he, wakes up, but I'm not waiting, he would have to come find me. Meanwhile I need a life...not shopping, eating out, driving to further malls just to be out. I need to really have some meaning, something,someone to make me smile when I get up in the morning.

I see you get up very early, I know your east coast, I have this habit of sleeping in late so I don't have to face the day, then stay up late because the night doesn't have a weather pattern, it's not partly sunny or gray, it's just night, I have s.a.d. So it's another thing to add to may sadness.

Your still more active than I, but I was never good at busy work. I'm thinking of going back into doing the carpentry around here I used to be pretty strong and pull out toilets and drywall, in my own house. H and I got close like that when we met, he was a hard working carp who taught me a lot at a rehab place he bought, good honest man he was.

http://www.thehouseontherock.net/site/cpage.asp?cpage_id=140029848&sec_id=140003648

This link helped me see were that good guy went, I think you will like it as well. Your h had to be a good guy once because you loved him.

[albamarie]

Hi Nero,
Just checking in on you, hope all is well with your mom and your own cold. Don't be alone in your house and your DVD player. I would hate to think your not at least off doing some that resembles GAL.

I know this has been a long road of misery, and you want nothing more than for it to be out of your life, as we all do!

Write soon...we're here for you!

Best dm

[nero]

hey hi-

thank you for tips - i'm going to write them down and try and use- i have tried the posts place- i get confused. i tghink i just need to corral my self and dicipline me more about looking and searching. my impatience i guess.

i've never tried bookmark - so i will. i tried to click & go to that story you men6ioned- i couldn't find it- but will try again.

I read that this is the worse thing we can go through and in some cases it's worse than being a widow, at least the dead don't taunt you, it's just over and you live with your beautifull memories.

\i've thought about this a million times too- it is true d4finitely. at least if a person died and left you- they surely didn't choose it. this business of this betrayal being their choice- that's the killer. they are CHOOSING to hurt us- abandon, whatever.

I don't want to care anymore....at all, until he, if he, wakes up, but I'm not waiting, he would have to come find me

me either. i feel that way too. too darn much rejection going on here- me and this stupid sister of mine, h, it's very difficult to swallow that people you care about are avoiding you and proud of it. i guess that says it all- i need to just get the heck out of this all - (how you ask? not sure- but know it)

I need to really have some meaning, something,someone to make me smile when I get up in the morning.

again- you are mirroring my own thoughts. it's true- it doesn't happen over nite. unfortunately -with the someone to have fun with, etc.- i've never thought we can walk out and "make that happen" -it's got to just happen. you know- i view love like the old metaphor about a butterfly landing on your stupid ole head (rather than chasing and chasing).

i guess as we slowly go about "OUR" lives and just get used to being us - by our selves- hopefully something (and not some bird pooh - will land on our heads - love ideally - who knwos what?) i'm willing to think there can be a million gajillion variations of othe5r kinds of lives and relationships- we only need to "be open" maybe - hopefully- i'm thinknig.....

Your still more active than I, but I was never good at busy work. I'm thinking of going back into doing the carpentry around here I used to be pretty strong and pull out toilets and drywall, in my own house. H and I got close like that when we met, he was a hard working carp who taught me a lot at a rehab place he bought, good honest man he was.

wow- i would LOVE to be confident and try some carpentry. i'm pretty self-sufficient kind of gal- always think good workmen are few and far between and best job can be done by us- we'll live with it and appreciate it and really take the pains. i've had some amazingly scary workmen - who did amazingly junky work. h does stuff and is suchhhh a perfectionist- i'm spoiled a bit. i'm kind of messy- but afraid a bit of big power tools - i am very very careless and get engrossed and then (using a bandsaw on some wooden shapes i was cutting) found myself carelessly flicking away wood bits with my finger- rite there BY THE MOVING BLADE. i nearly fainted i was so surprised at my lack of attention. SO NOW i think i might cut off a finger or something- certainly not while i'm so fogged up and unfocused.

funny you saying about not being a "out of the house" action kind of gal. me 3ither. i was when we met- i got all home-ish and reclusive hanging around with this guy. now he's mr. outgoing and here am i?!!! i also don't want these fakie made up "gal" crap- i want real involvement and i want to wake up and look forward to day too.

i don't like the dark- it's ok- but i prefer sun. i go sit in whatever window is the britghtest. i think we're like plants & flowers- turn to the light always.

i'm a morning girl- first thing i get stuck into is the thing that gets done and gets the best of me.

This link helped me see were that good guy went, I think you will like it as well. Your h had to be a good guy once because you loved him.

he was and i did- more than anyone in the universe. hence the depth of my disgust at "this" man. i am so sick of knowing he "wants less of me in his life" - i get to the point like you- i want to be gone and done. he can just forget he ever knew me- or find me. this business of being sick- momsick - jerk of a sister- (what ffeels like) evryone screaming at me- i am at some point here- maybe a dangerous point- maybe a totally liberating point. it all seems to be jumbling together- I'M NOT SUCH a bad guy- just a person who does try hard - I HAVE HAD IT THO- and i mean it. i do not deserve these jackasses dumping on my stupid ole head- i may be a jerk- but i care. if that means nothing- i cannot make them see a darn thing- and i do not care to try anymore. if they don't find things about me to make them WANT to like me or see the good- i do not care any more.

wierd how "stuff" of all sorts all of a sudden blomps up in a giant ball and becomes all more of the same. this woman is done here.

how the heck i step out of this big mix- i do not know. they can all figure it out by themselves . one other sister says we need a meeting (frankly, i do not care to even talk to or see this youngest sister that's been avoiding me for a couple years. her anger & disapproval and JUDGEMENT make her not want to see me- 2 years of that have finished me off rite now. i don't WANT TO MEET, SEE HER OR talk. she can run everything in the universe since she's thinking i'm pushy.

oh well- what? me nutball????/ i don't think so- i have such a long long fuse- but when it's done- it's done. i hate fighting- ilose all the time- BUT i can walk away and never look back. scary - but i know it about me.

oh well- this will all happen however it does. i'm not even going to have a plan or try or call or respond. she's in the driver seat (where she's appaently been yearning to be- take it_ ) enjoy...

[Takevowsserious]

Hi Nero,

Have been reading your posts on various threads. Lots of interesting thoughts - I think many can relate to what you are feeling.

The thought of being alone for the rest of our lives IS scary and sad. But for me, I find that I'm focusing on being alone in the now. How I would deal with H being gone while raising two small kids. My love life - or lack of one - is definitely low man on the totem pole.

I very much miss having that kind of R in my life, miss having that R with my H. Yes, my close confidants assure me that I would have no problem finding someone else to love and appreciate me. But... I got married believing I would be with my H forever. I was prepared to be with him, and only him, for the rest of the my life.

That being said... We can't control our H's - what they think, what they feel, what they do. So, I've finally come to the fork in the road about deciding on a different path.

H's on that hamster wheel, running in place going no where. I sure as hell don't want to be running in place right along with him.

Have been rereading stuff on detachment. I have a new perspective and understanding that I didn't have earlier in the journey. Who's to say what my perspective will be 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 5 years from now?

When you talk about GAL stuff... I understand not wanting to be fake. But, maybe doing something different and outside of your comfort zone would be something to look forward to. Plus, what talents or interests do you have? Could you volunteer or work somewhere, even part-time? Seems like you have spent many years taking care of others, which you can still continue to do. Just work on taking care of good ole Nero too.

Getting all philosophical with ya here - I do believe we all go through difficult times in our lives, more than once. And we bounce back, again and again. Our hearts may be broken, but we are still alive. A line from one of my favorite movies, Fried Green Tomatoes... " A heart may be broken, but it keeps on beating just the same."

So true.

Hope you are feeling better, and that your mother is feeling better too. Keep working on that PMA and taking care of you.

Have a nice Sunday

[albamarie]

Nero-I don't think I will be ok until I am off this ride. I never like rides, they make me sick, and I am very sick of this one.

I'm sick of the analyzing the trial and error, the emphasis on someone else and how to treat them while they treat you like sh!t.

Especially when not-H is not worth any of this, I don't want him back.

So I'm working on the long untwining process of getting away from him!

Tell me what your h has said lately. Is there new or change to you switch, good or bad. We can't just except spring and summer to meet us with the same ole sh!t!

What's on your mine for you?

[nero]

heyhi and thanks for your thoughts.

But for me, I find that I'm focusing on being alone in the now. How I would deal with H being gone while raising two small kids. My love life - or lack of one - is definitely low man on the totem pole.

interestingly - i do too. the dealing on a daily basis with being/feeling alone. i've always been okay with solitude- it's just this business of it being thrust upon me. i always had the notion in the back of my mind of my attachment with h and his with me. somehow we're still attached- but this jerk is off wandering around with ow.

i tend to get too darn GLOBAL when i think about what i'm doing and why. you saying that - makes me realize this is yet another example of that particular (flaw) mindset i have. i do acknowledge it- it still lurks in the badk of my mind. nothing is etched in stone- yet i keep thinking these decisions are BIG BIG BIG - AND WILL mean something big.

it stops me- it's what holds me up about working- it seems like it's all got to be GIANT AND FOREVER. that is nuts of course- anything can change anytime - my feelings included. yet- it symbolizes someting FINAL - and i'm not yet sure about what the final outdcome should or could be.

hearing you say it- i realize i have to quit that. i've never ever been a big planner for the future- no master plan in life - ever (well, except like you, loosely that i would love and live with this man forever-grow old together & so on). so much for that- no wonder i don't plan.

ever since my dad died when i was 18- i've realized we all don't get to choose when we go- enjoy it while you have it. doesn't make it any easier to let it all go. my life.

I very much miss having that kind of R in my life, miss having that R with my H. Yes, my close confidants assure me that I would have no problem finding someone else to love and appreciate me. But... I got married believing I would be with my H forever. I was prepared to be with him, and only him, for the rest of the my life.

that's the rub - huh? me too. i get the same feedback from friends - they like me- they believe it. i like me - sometimes i believe it - it may be true - it may not. i'd say a crap shoot in life. i've had so much in life for so long - maybe i've used up my "good" quota in life??? i sometimes wonder - h will be a hard act to follow (all the good aspects). i'm not saying impossible - i think tho, maybe unlikely. just trying to keep it a bit real. i am not making any decisions here based on bravado or false expectations.

you are sure rite about can't control them. i'm losing faith that my h will come to any brilliant & enlightened conclusions about how much he does, in fact, love me. all his good aspects aside - emotionally he is warped. i never appreciated the breadth & depth.

Have been rereading stuff on detachment. I have a new perspective and understanding that I didn't have earlier in the journey.

what would that be? if i can ask. i have trouble with this concept - because the fact that we're trying to db would seem to mean we are still "invested" in this person & r. if we achieve total detachment- why are we here & bothering? it's painful & long & unhappy process??? just our gut demanding we ride it out til we can't hang on anymore?

you are also right- there are many things i could be (and probably should be) doing outside my house and current life.

i just don't- i just do not pick up my buttons and go do it. i need to quit thinking in terms of any thing i do as being my BIG DECISION- AND FOREVER. i do tend to over-dramatize maybe. it's how i see it- if i take a serious - real job- then i am saying adios to my life in fl, my family down there (i miss the babies btw) - so on. this jerk of a h made me have a life down there to be with him - now why does he get to say i have to chuck it? i can't figure how to "have it all" (page from his book). (oh God- i don't want to be like him)

i am a bit mired in the stress of my mother situation. who died and made it only my job tho? she's got 4 living daughters - i am working on being more detached with this too- letting the bossy younger sister who says i push everyone around (oh cripes- i wish) take charge. that usually means she issues orders from on high (and 2 hrs away) and I get to salute & perform . so far- she is not happy about not being able to "talk to me" (as in - give me my orders) about how she wants it to happen. i have gone dark on her for past few days.

it takes a toll - i am bad at having giant bad feelings in my life. (can't we all just get along- picture fingers in peace signs please)

. " A heart may be broken, but it keeps on beating just the same."

too true- thank you for your thoughts. i'd like to hear your thoughts on detachment and your new and improved outlook. if there was just confusion and not ea & ow involved- perhaps i'd be more "accepting" or understanding. i'd be curious to hear how you see your detachment.

i like your clear-thinking & agree philosophically with you. i surely hope i continue to bounce- one wonders some days.

i know it could be alot worse- i just still find myself wanting back the fun years. oh yeah- and i go around being very jealous of all my old married buddiews & people i see and wonder what the heck is so special about them that i don't inspire that kind of devotion??? oh mannnnnn.....

thanks- onward & upward huh?

xxo