Walking the path to my own happiness

[mamabird]

Breakdown, there definitely has been some progress made in terms of communication. He hasn't lashed out at me in a while, honestly, and seems to be more accepting of the reality that he has to move out. He has never had problems voicing his feelings - it's just getting to the point where he wants to do that. Does that make sense?

I have been increasingly concerned about the negative modeling. It's very distressing for me. I constantly have to correct that. Maybe it's controlling but it's more important that my sons have the right information.

Compassion and forgiveness... working on both. I have that awful neighbor that I'm so angry with, and I'm just trying to refocus that to compassion. I don't know if it's working because I still hate her. But, with H... I do try to have some compassion for him but I'm not really sure how to show it. If he had lost a job or broken a leg or some external thing it would be easier. Since I am "the cause" of this it's much harder.

I'm getting to the point of forgiving myself, but these conversations still really sting, so I know I'm not nearly there. Honestly I will probably have better luck with forgiving myself when I don't have my H constantly reminding me how badly I f***ed up.

One thing I forgot to mention: H said last night that he wasn't responsible for my happiness. That's true, but I feel like by saying that, he is implying that he tried and if it wasn't good enough, or wasn't what I needed, tough. He's actually said something along those lines - justifying the fact that he was draining my emotional tank instead of filling it. A simple apology would go so far in that regard...