Walking the path to my own happiness

[mamabird]

We cross posted, Breakdown.

All in all, it sounds to me like he wants you to fight for him and I don't think it's all that unreasonable. But, at some point I think you have to ask the question "what about you?"

RIGHT. This is exactly what I am struggling with. I want to keep trying, but there is no "me" in the equation. He feels justified in saying, "Your punishment/path to atonement is that you need to do whatever I want." Well, at least I have the emotional strength now to realize how controlling and disrespectful that is. I am not, and will not be a martyr!!

When all of this started, and I'm not sure I've mentioned this before, H INSISTED that I go to a psychiatrist to get a full work up... he said he would only take me back if I was mentally ill. He called me a psychopath, a narcissist. I never did go to a psychiatrist because even back then I eventually saw how controlling and unloving that was. (plus my IC did not recommend it). But I did consider it at the time which shows just how unstable I was - to let someone else influence me to that degree.

I do want to fight for him but he doesn't soften at all and I can't be that vulnerable anymore.

I know I've mentioned it before, but did you do anything with the languages of apology or consider apologizing in a way that puts it to rest (for you)? Looking back, I honestly think that was the turning point for me and my W.

That is a good reminder. I have the book on my kindle but never finished it. I'll need to pick that back up and work on it.

We are going to a new MC in a few weeks, one who supposedly "has balls". My focus is going to be coparenting now, and we'll see what other issues surface in a less emotionally charged environment.