Walking the path to my own happiness

[mamabird]

Ugh. Last night I dreamt about H for the first time in months. I tend to take dreams seriously. He came to me in my dream and said, "I still love you" and gave me a big hug.

I would say that he probably does still love me but can't see a way over the hump, the glob of crap that's occurred over the last few years. This is what my IC thinks, anyway, and it seems to make sense based on our conversations.

Our conversation last night has left me with a deep sense of guilt and shame. I am sure that H wants me to feel that, btw, because it gives him power. I've realized that there has been a huge power struggle in our M and the way he gains power is to withhold and punish. Then I become docile because I react to the stonewalling. It is a horrible dynamic.

I suppose I should feel guilt and shame for disrespecting H, but I think the fact that he refuses to let go is the most distressing for me. He feels justified in holding on to it. As I mentioned, he did read After the Affair but what he gleans from these books is "I'm justified in holding on to my feelings for as long as I want and now you need to do whatever I say if you want to atone." Sorry, that's BS, it just is. I could walk around kissing his a$$ for years and nothing would change. That's just who he is.

He also said that I never expressed my feelings of not being emotionally fulfilled. I explained that I was not in a position to do that, that every time I tried to he shut me down, so I shut down too. I am sure that my choices with OM2 had a "revenge" element to them. Clearly not nice but H still doesn't see how hurtful and damaging his behavior was to me - it just becomes a character issue to him. As if I made my choices in a vaccuum.

Let's say that I had expressed those feelings, before BD. H had been telling me for 6 months (way before OM2) "I'm just going to D you eventually" so would it have made a difference by then? I think H was already checked out and OM2 was the nail in the coffin for him - the good excuse that made it ok for him to walk away.

I was feeling so strong before this conversation. They do not lead to change in the R, which is why I hate having these conversations. I feel like they are unproductive and only stir up guilt and bad feelings. They certainly do not leave me in a space where I am inspired to put any effort into saving the M. They make me want to walk away, because I can't see that there's any hope at all. As we've discussed here, that does not mean closing the door and locking it. He's closed the door and locked it, and it's up to him to unlock it, if he wants to, but I don't see how I could ever be the person he wants me to be without giving up a lot of myself in the process... and that is the opposite of the ideal of marriage.

I need to schedule a call with my coach, but in the meantime, what am I missing here?