Walking the path to my own happiness

[mamabird]

Interesting turn of events this evening. FIL was here and he and H were planning their Italy trip. After dinner we sat around the table and talked for a while. FIL told H to take better care of himself (get on blood pressure medication).

H is going to be gone for 2 weeks and I was a little pouty about it. We didn't really get in an argument but it led to a very long R talk. We're finally at the point where we can have a conversation, express feelings and arrive at a conclusion. We could not do that before. So that's good.

Interesting R talk, complete with diagrams this time. My argument is the same as most WAW (even though I am not the WAW I am the offender): "My emotional needs were not being met and I was so screwed up that I couldn't understand it or express it to you." H finally made his argument in a way that I could understand/agree with: "I expressly asked you not to do something that was very hurtful and you went ahead and did it anyway." This was regarding my R with OM1. H has been saying "You cheated on me twice" (now he vehemently denies ever saying that), so maybe he will stop saying that now.

Anyway, we got to this point where I could finally kind of understand where he was coming from. He says that I have not shown enough remorse. I asked him what would be an example of showing remorse... well he thinks I don't go along with his plan enough, example, staying with that crappy therapist. He read that in After the Affair - that the offending spouse should basically do whatever the hurt spouse wants. In my M that would just be more opportunity for him to exercise control vs the trust building effect that that behavior is supposed to have, with no guarantees of anything. If he would say, "I'm trying to trust you and I need you to do X" then I would. But he's just trying to get his way, with a justification now.

He said I should be focusing on the impact of my behavior, not the cause of my behavior. While I agree with him in principle on this, I can't agree in practice because then I'd live in the land of guilt and self-flaggellation - not where I want to live.

He said something interesting - that it was a character issue essentially to stop DB'ing. Those weren't his words, obviously, but he thinks I ought to keep trying even though he's explicitly said "I'm done." He did use the words "character issue." He said I SHOULDN'T be blowing him off or turning the other way. I don't know. Thoughts? Because when I was all lovey dovey, that didn't change things either. He said, "When we went to therapy, you didn't say 'I love you so much and I want to make this work.'" (I actually did say that right after BD but he doesn't remember.) I am not sure that would have made a difference.

During our argument about his Italy trip, I said 2 weeks was a long time to take care of the boys by myself, but that it didn't matter, I was going to have to deal with it because "soon he would be gone permanently." He got so mad about that. He said it was mean and then cited it as evidence that I haven't changed.

I'm confused. He still says "he's done" and it certainly feels like he is done. But something tells me that he isn't done. Like, he wants to continue to go to therapy and his reason for going changes constantly. He hasn't moved out and continues to work on improving the house (hired a handyman today to put on 2 doorknobs - waited a YEAR for that). Every time I bring up something I wasn't happy about in the R he says, "So then it's a mutual breakup."

We do really need more MC but I still think separation is the best thing for our R right now. We are at a standstill. He says that my dishonest behavior (and he doesn't even know the extent of it, that I stayed friends with OM1) is a dealbreaker. I can't fault him for that - it is the truth, I was deceitful towards him. I think that's more hurtful to him than anything else but I don't know how to fix that.