House for sale. So Sad. Family Breaking Up (pt 2)

[FloydMan]

So true.

[adinva]

Yep.

[FloydMan]

Just throwing it out there but could the fact that her image is so important that she feels we are so down the path of splitting that she would look bad if she were to turn around? Pride at play? Looking unstable? Too much under the bridge to look back? Does this happen to people if hypothetically there is no OM anymore?

[FloydMan]

I did start smoking in June. Had not smoked tobacco since well before we met 20 years ago. She hates smokers/smoking. Not a good health habit but it has been pacifying. How stupid eh? She is sooo not impressed. Gotta quit...for me and kids of course. I am so healthy otherwise with food, weight, exercise etc. no alcohol in almost 12 years.

[Breakdown]

Just throwing it out there but could the fact that her image is so important that she feels we are so down the path of splitting that she would look bad if she were to turn around? Pride at play? Looking unstable? Too much under the bridge to look back? Does this happen to people if hypothetically there is no OM anymore?

I still have a court date Monday for a similar reason. It's not the image so much as it took her so much strength to actually decide to D, that I think she's afraid to let it go. Maybe she's afraid she'll lose that strength. She has told me in the past that once her family makes a decision, they stick to it, for good or bad so I think that's at play as well.

[mamabird]

Agree with Breakdown here. I think there is definitely a "face saving" aspect in play. My H went and told the world what a horrible W I have been so if he were to take me back now, how would that look for HIM?? Not so good, right?

I wouldn't worry too much about messing things up by slagging your W here. We are not going to tell her or hold it against you!! She is going to have to want to come back on her own, based on your positive changes.

[adinva]

I believe this is DEFINITELY a big part of many divorces. The train leaves the station and then years later they feel regret but oh well what's done is done, gotta look forward.

That is exactly why DB suggests keeping the road home paved and smooth, and not acting like a victim, and not telling a lot of people all the gory details.

Hold your head up with dignity, do the best you can for your family, and at least you won't be standing in the way of her possible return. That's how I've felt about my sitch.

It's nice to get sympathy and people who are on your side, but it is counterproductive in many ways. That's what this forum helps so much for.

And also, don't let the fact that she hates to lose face get you down. There isn't any other WAS who loves to lose face and therefore came back. You're not any worse off for that, it's only a matter of what YOU do to impact that.

[FloydMan]

Great thoughts everyone, I really appreciate it. The A has not been exposed to the people that matter in our lives. Though I believe she told her 2 sisters, but no details. One sister had had an A and took them 2 years to repair their marriage. That was the example my W was using when she was begging and pleading to save the M and to give it 2 years to work on. I bought into the plan and weeks later she gives up. The other sister has been married for 30 years and they had their struggles and share of MCing. The W spent and spent and they went into bankruptcy 20 years ago. They sorted it out and do well now but admit they still have issues but learned to resolve.
Tonight W is going out with a past friend of ours and her two daughters of the same age. She left her H 4 years ago. Their 2 daughters are friends of our daughters and that is how we met in the first place at daycare when d14 was 2. She really screwed the H over for custody etc. and both are still bitter and angry. They do not speak and everything is coordinated through their d14. She had an A too. But their M should not compare. He was abusive and irresponsible with drugs, money, time with kids etc. Their problems were different. Funny, W never cared for this woman, felt she was phoney and irresponsible and was very critical on how she handled their D and getting the kids in the middle like coordinating and communicating through the older d. That and everything else she has criticized her and her H for she has been doing. I guess I cannot worry about what they discuss, but it will be for sure how to move on and strategy for litigation.

[FloydMan]

So what can "I" do to influence or what impact can I have on her to not have fear of losing face? I would be losing face too, but I don't care or am not concerned about that. In fact, it would be looked upon in a positive light anyway, no? Sometimes I think she is looking for pats on the back at how she was able to make it on her own. Like her own little success story. Well, honestly speaking she would not be able to if she were not getting half my assets and accumulated wealth. That was my hard work.

[Breakdown]

Sometimes I think she is looking for pats on the back at how she was able to make it on her own.

I can't remember if we've talked about this, but what is her LL? If it's words of affirmation, that would make sense.