New Year, New Life (19 months)

[adinva]

OK Bug first. Yeah I read a negative connotation in your word choice of engineering. You said what if I let go and let it happen without engineering, so I took engineering with negative connotations. As a fellow recovering control freak it is exactly what I was doing, planning, preparing, laying the groundwork for an outcome I think is desirable to everyone.

Now, PO'd. I'm just not sure I'm working toward being a person who says whatever about everything. I have hopes and disappointments and I'm not sure what's wrong with that. Trying to avoid them all by letting everything go and manage itself is like the botox of relationships. Everything will look smoother and prettier but how real is it? I think I'm still going to hope, expect, wish, try to do the right thing, sometimes have it work out and sometimes not. I guess Buddha wouldn't do all that. Maybe when I've done more work I'll let more go. But I currently don't see the harm in communicating my wishes for the relationships in our family. If I've learned anything in this it is that I'm courageous and don't mind being vulnerable and getting hurt, well don't mind it so much that I won't give it a try. So I want to try, until I don't want to.

Accuray, SD, thank you so much for weighing in on my crisis-du-jour.

Ta-da. I'm not going.

I have too much on my plate right now, and I've got to simplify for my own sanity. I'm happy that the boys are going to see grandma and give her her [item needed for craft] that I've been collecting for her, a little favor to show I care. I'm happy that they're going to spend some time in the car with their dad, however that turns out. Time is good, and time is very limited these days since their dad doesn't have a schedule and doesn't come over much.

I texted H tonight and said I'd like to schedule time to talk since we're not doing our Saturday walk the dog talks anymore (since he doesn't live here). I have a lot to fill him in on S12's meeting with the sleep doctor and the upcoming routines, new medicines, recommended tests, charts to fill out, etc, for his upcoming sleep study. Too much for an email or text, plus he might have questions, F2F is better for me to fill him in.

I said I plan to take S12 to his psych appointment tomorrow, and H should go too if he wants too, and then after that I will not be going to MIL's. I need to work more this weekend. Then, I reminded him that we discussed S14 needs to be home by 5 for another commitment.

H said OK, will be at the appointment, ok, will get S14 home by 2. I said tell MIL sorry and I'll see her next time. H said ok.

The tempest in a teapot is done.

Back to you bug, yes, I could have expected that MIL would bring H into the loop. It probably made her uncomfortable that I emailed her about making plans and didn't include him. I don't know why she chose to include him, but that did change what we were doing and it was no longer what I wanted to do this weekend. I don't need to know why. Regardless of if it's a cultural thing, or she's hoping we'll connect, or she mainly wants to see H, or any other possible reason, doesn't really matter. It isn't a surprise and I learned, if I want to do something with MIL I need to be a lot more clear and not pawn it off as a visit with the grandkids. I'm not sure I want to do something with her at all, it just seemed like "the right thing to do." Now, it's the right thing for H to do.

BTW H stopped hanging out with my parents a couple of years ago. He stopped attending our family reunions, he didn't hang around other than just to eat when I had them over for meals. He acts like he really doesn't like them. They have their quirks but I don't know anyone else who doesn't like them. I like them a lot! We like to try fancy cheeses and my dad'll have a glass of wine with me and my mom tells stories. They say, every single day if given the opportunity, that my boys are taller than last time they saw them. They ask questions and share information from other family members. They're involved, annoying, interested, caring parents. Also critical, nosy, sometimes not very interesting. But, they're mine and I'll keep 'em. H was so rude to them over the recent years that my mom was saying "is it me?" and I kept telling her, "No mom, it's not you."

MIL seems cooler on the surface. She has interesting activities and keeps herself really busy, has fewer medical problems to complain about and doesn't complain about those she has, and is just a cute, hip little grandma. But there are always things she's not saying, harsh judgments of others, pointed questions that imply criticism, and her priorities are just not with us.

But it's normal to be more used to your own annoying parents than your spouse's annoying parents.

I just don't know if I really am going to spend much effort trying to build this elusive individual relationship with her. I will take some good advice and just not decide that right now.