I have found in the process of letting go that it takes time to actually get 'there'. My experience is that even when I feel like I have taken a step backwards ( especially in my mindset) once I pull my socks up again, I am ready to take three steps forward... So it's always moving forward... Sometimes we just need to make sure we are on stable ground before continuing to proceed ahead.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Eyes I am wondering if there aren't some other underlying fears in this... mine are financial and fear of being alone and I am trying to combat this with GAL....we need to dig deep and see what we are really afraid of and tackle those fears head on and the ones that are irrational need to be looked at as such... do you have other friends and support groups....every time she gives you an ultimatum take a deep breath and plan an action....
I am just getting to a appointment, but I owe you some answers. I should be home in a hour and I will answer properly then. It will give me a chance to think about my fears.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
First off it doesn't matter how old you are to start climbing. You can climb alone at most indoor gyms, although for me it is a lot more enjoyable with friends. There is also something called bouldering, where you do not use ropes. Typically it is a short series of moves, and typically no more than 12 feet high.
Secondly I am afraid of the possible negative effects of divorce on my children. I am afraid that if we get divorced I will lose my chance at reconciling.
My w doesn't think I appreciate all that she has done and continues to do for our children. I am afraid that I never be able to show her that I do. I don't know how to do that while we are seperated. I am afraid that nothing I do will earn her respect back. And I know that she will not want to r with someone she doesn't respect.
I would also like some input on something else. My BIL's cousin, who is female, recently divorced and also lost her dad has expressed interest in meeting. I have not met her, this has kind of happened through my BIL. She has expressed that she is not looking for a relationship, and neither am I. I would like to get out of my comfort zone and typical GAL activities. Basically what she has expressed as well. Why do I feel like it is something I shouldn't do?
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Here's what I think about your being afraid that you will never be able to show her that you do appreciate her. What you are feeling is akin to the kind of "mistake" that you were making at the beginning of all this, the kinds of mistakes most of us make at first.
Which is, you're stressing about it too much and trying too hard to prove something to her she doesn't believe, or want to believe right now. It's like a form of pursuit, even if your simple intention is to show her that you DID appreciate her all along and even if your wanting to show her this is basically independent of wanting to get her back.
You say you are afraid that nothing you do will earn her respect back. Again, I think the worst thing you can do is fear this. Just relax and take a step or three back in this regard too. You've come a long way, so just continue to be a good dude, great father, and always treat her GOOD when you do see her. Repeat, just aim to treat her GOOD. That gives you the relaxed demeanor you need, not just to hopefully have a shot to get her back but to simply keep you on an even keel that doesn't smack of fear as you go about your daily life.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
Thanks GKM, it's always nice to hear from you. It seems like somehow she equates the appreciation to the financial aspects of the divorce agreement.
So it looks like a divorce would force me to face my fears for one, and then we would be over the hurdle and there would be nothing left to cause more resentment on her part.
When this began I was worried I wouldn't see the signs to know which path to take. I am at a point where I think that we are so far into this that a divorce is what is going to happen. Just being seperated hasn't given her the space she thought she needed, and I suppose I have somehow been pursuing enough that I haven't given her the space she needs. Or maybe I have detached enough and she still doesn't think it is enough. Either way I will be okay, and I will work harder than I ever have to make sure my children grow up to be strong, independent, well adjusted adults.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
My w showed up for church today, it was a nice surprise. Afterwords she asked the kids if they wanted to go to a cafe by my house for breakfast. Of course my d asked me if I was coming to. I glanced at my w, and she asked if I wanted to join them. So my son rode with me and when we got there it was closed.
I think I did a 180 by not suggesting somewhere else to go, and just said goodbye to the kids.
Anyway, after my last backslide, I feel more at peace than the days prior to it. I am starting to care less about what happens between w and I, and more about my own personal growth, and my relationships with my friends and children.
On a sad note, we got a puppy last Christmas and I think I need to find a new home for him. I wasn't big on the idea of having a pet in the first place, and my w is not able to take him where she is living. I am at work all day, and when I am at home I am either working on a project or I am GAL. When I have the kids we keep him seperated from us as he still likes to chew on everything. I am unable to give him the attention or excersize that he needs.
When I brought it up to the kids my son was very sad, even though they do not play with him that much. As evidenced by my failed marriage I have not been a very good family leader, but this is one decision I know is in the best interest of my family. Now to help my son deal with it. Any suggestions?
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Eyes I think that is great news! I would love if my W would decide to show up like that...that must give you hope...good job on the 180 how often do you see W. I feel like you sometimes that were are so far into this maybe divorce will be the only way out but don't give up hope...this site is full of people who thought they would not make it but then they were piecing..again.
On another note they do have a climbing gym here maybe I will have to check it out...I have never climbed but my daughter did it last year and looked a lot of fun.
As far as the dog I am sorry to hear that with everything that is going on for kids that will be tough. My D really wants to get a hamster and I have been holding off but I told her if she got her grades up then I would and now she did get her grades up so oh well...what about a hamster?
I see my w 5 days a week. Always to exchange the kids, so they are brief encounters. I am always polite, sometimes I will try to start a convo, sometimes not.
I will always have hope. The difficult part is getting to the point where I could objectively say no if she wanted to R. I believe that is where I need to be, so that we would really be starting over, and learning together.
And yes you might be right, I may have to continue this through a divorce. DB has taught me that no matter what I will always continue to work on myself. So in that part of DB, I am succeeding. In the end that is the most important aspect. Change what you have the power to, and control only yourself.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I don't see my W as much...we have the kids from Wednesday to Wednesday and I pick them up at school...so I don't see W that much and I think that helps a bit...gives her time away and space to miss the family...she has tried to fill that space with friends that hang around a lot and I think that helps her but the kids miss her a lot the first day they are here and then they miss me lot when they are over there. I am sad that they have to go through this..I know a lot of people whose parents D and they still have a hard time with it....
