Okay, today has been a real epiphany for me. It's not an entirely new thought, but the 2x4's have been coming hard and fast.
After mulling over FM's suggestions and my response, and feeling an awkward uncomfortableness about the discussion, I had this image in my head that I'm an athlete and I'm trying to figure out how to jog again after a debilitating accident. I know my legs were injured, but I keep thinking that I'm good enough, I'm strong enough, I'm determined enough that I will jog again. Other athletes pick themselves up and go at it again. I just need to figure out how. I just need to work at it harder. I need to focus more, train better.
But what I have failed to realize up to this point is that my legs aren't injured, they're missing! I do not possess one of the most basic elements needed to be able to run. So no matter how much I focus on every other muscle in my body, I still will not succeed. I will not run. (Ignore the whole prosthetic option cause that just doesn't work in my analogy. )
So applying this to real life, I realize that I'm not going to be able to make my M what I want it to be, because I simply do not trust H. That's it. Bottom line. He has lied to me too many times. He has betrayed me too many times. I can't trust him to do what he commits to. I can't trust him to stand by me in life's challenges. I can't trust him to protect me. I can't trust him to be faithful. I can't trust him with the finances. I can't trust him with my heart.
These are the things that he has taken away from me with his choices. And these are fundamental requirements for M. Forget the daily minutia like basic courtesy, and inconveniences like snoring. It's not going to do anything to address the fact that I don't trust him, especially when I'm doing all the work changing my behavior and he's not.
It's why I imagine life without him being so much better, so peaceful -- because I trust "me," but I don't trust him. Every day with him is like living in an enemy camp. I've been trying to make myself trust him, to be vulnerable again, but he simply isn't trustworthy and my heart knows better. I've always known that honesty and trust was a huge issue for me. So did H.
Yet here we are. I just don't think I have it in me to get past it. I don't even know if I should try.
)