How to make it work again?

[scaredsilly]

Thanks, CV and Oldtimer. I appreciate your comments and helpfulness.

Financial trust with H has been damaged in the past. He gave his WX $5K without my knowledge several years ago when we had been married for about three years.

The day before BD, he took $20K out of our joint account and put it in a new account under his name only. I didn't find out about it until nine days later, on Christmas Day last year.

We have given his S25 and D23 over $10K in financial support in the past 17 months. And that was after they had both lived with us for 4 1/2 years with no money being asked of them towards their support.

I'm 63 years old; retired and on SS. When we got married, I knew we would be paying out, in just CS alone, over $160K until the "kids" reached the "age of majority". I expected to stop supporting them to a great extent (not totally) at that time. That was five years ago. It just stopped.

My H is 52 years old and has a very good job and career. Before we got married, he "sweetened the pot" by proposing that I would help him pay child support until I retired and then he would work for 10 more years and support me. We both had the same job and made pretty much the same income. He felt that would make up for the great cash flow out of our marital funds for those years. His idea and proposal, not mine, but I liked it and it seemed fair.

I've been retired three years now. The "cash flow" out just stopped this week. I felt deceived and cheated on many levels. His D23 has over $20,000 in inheritance in her bank account.

Do I want him to "love" me more than his D23? Hell no! I want him to respect me and our marriage. I want him to stop coddling his D23 at my expense. I don't want to support her anymore. It has nothing to do with a vendetta. I couldn't care less about her or any vengeance. I don't interfere in his relationship with her at all. In fact, I encourage it. I just want some "financial security", to feel "safe and loved", and a "stable marriage", as you put it.

How could I possibly have that if he insisted that I continue to support his D23?

And in my situation, how can I "separate" my finances? We have four homes, numerous other possessions...do I ask him to start selling things off? How about the disparity in income now? Do I pay half of everything with my small SS check while he makes 5 times a month what I do?

Your suggestions are great for newly married, second marriages where both people are working and they can foresee the future and the need to protect themselves financially.

Way too late for mine...unless you've thought of something I've not?

As far as a dysfunctional family dynamic, absolutely. Look up "guilty father syndrome" and "emotional incest". That's what I've been dealing with for years.

We had marriage counseling years ago. We had been married for five years and we were having parenting style differences ( I finally refused, after many embarrassing incidents, to go anywhere with his S14 and S16, at the time, if their pants hung down on their butts, I actually had the nerve to have them make their beds in the mornings and brush their teeth, every other weekend, and I wickedly expected them to hang up their clothes and wet towels). We had an argument about his kids and he advised me that I was no longer invited to his mother's house for Christmas. I had lived in our town a little over 6 years. I had no family here. He spent two weeks at his mother's house with his kids. I was left alone for Christmas, new year's, and my birthday.

Our counselor advised my H that our marriage needed to come first and that his children should know that.

On BD, I suggested MC again. H said no. He said that the last time, he had to "do all kinds of things".

I'm hoping later this year, he will agree to R'ville.

Our marriage is getting better but I don't think it's unreasonable for me to have trust issues, especially, financial ones, given our history.