House for sale. So Sad. Family Breaking Up (pt 2)

[FloydMan]

well, one of our mutual friend's had just told me today that W is lying to her and that Christmas and New Years went off nicely and no issues. All is going great and that the kids are doing great. Friend is blown away that she can be so phony about it all. Wow. I guess I did not expect anything less.

[labug]

It's usually not a good idea to talk to mutual friends about all this, at least not details. It wouldn't be seen as a positive by your W, no matter what your sitch and you'll get someone else's interpretation based on their viewpoint.

It often muddies the water.

What have you been doing for yourself?

[FloydMan]

Thanks Bug. Ya I know. They kind of got involved when my W told the W 7 months ago. It was not cool and bad timing as I was coaching a game right there with both our daughters and my older daughter heard and she freaked out. Lots of BS my W was telling her and details, except about the A from what I understand. My d14 was helping me on the bench and became upset so my W took her to the car to talk and told her there and then about the S. The H is a close pal of mine and a lawyer who has given me some guidance along the way. I coach their d in baseball too, he is my assistant. The scene last summer was surreal. They were stunned. These people do well, have beautiful family themselves and always said they were envious of us. The W and I saw each other last night as our daughters do gymnastics together. She asked how Christmas and New Year's was and I was honest about what was going on financially and the trouble with our kids. I realize I should not have. However, she told me when we connected again today that my W was BSing her all along and for months. They are very close with us and our kids and are concerned but I agree, should not be involved, especially when they are not given the truth.
What am I doing for myself? Not enough really. Been seeing and talking with some friends. I am reading business and strategy books. I am interviewing for a new job. (Was packaged out in Nov so I have time). Have a couple offers and more on the go so I want to take the right thing for me. I am gtting financial statements together as there will be a legal battle unfortunately. I am spending a lot of time with kids and their sports. More than W is.

[adinva]

I struggle with what people know too FloydMan. I didn't like what H must have been telling his friend to get so much support from his friend. I didn't like what he did or didn't tell his family about us. It has been hard to realize that I don't get to control the message that goes out and how it is received.

Some people will decide I must have been a bad wife. Some will decide that H was right because when you fall out of love you have to go make yourself happy. Some will think he did a dishonorable thing. Some won't care; they have their own problems and aren't really thinking much about ours.

And then there's the added confusion of what I tell people. Some days it's more bitter, some days it's more understanding. Some people get details, some don't. It depends on how I feel at the moment, who the person is, what I think they will think based on what I already know about them, what I feel like unburdening at the moment or not, wow it depends on a lot of variables. And of the two of us, me and H, I'm the less confused one, I think.

So, it's not all that surprising to me that your W has been BSing friends, and I don't think it's all that much of a negative on her either. This isn't between you and your W and your friends. I think you've done the right thing for you, unburdening a little more to them than she has because you feel closer and possibly more understood by them. They probably currently feel less close to her because she hasn't been vulnerable with them. Maybe she feels they will judge her or take your side, or maybe she just doesn't feel like going into details with them so she kept it superficial.

I'm finding that the people in my life who value keeping it superficial are falling on my list of people I feel I really know and am cared about by. It's one of the pains and/or blessings of this sitch, getting to know who you really care about.

[FloydMan]

Thanks. That makes sense. I do think there is an element of posturing so she is liked and not looked to be the bad one. It should not be about that I guess. But it is frustrating that people give input or advice to situations that they do not know the whole story. She wanted the perfect 'looking' family. That came crumbling down and was exposed. Now she wants to look like the in-control super single-mom. Her appearance is very important to her.
Now that I have slagged her, how do I get her and our family back?
Oh what a fool am I?

[JuneReN]

Meh, I played victim at first, but realized it was rather an injustice lol! But that took three months of looking at a Ruby I really didn't want to look at too closely.

But that and the subsequent OW after a month of separation, really put everyone on sides, and mostly not his. To H's very big credit, he did not say "Ya. left wife because we haven't been intimate in years, basically and I am done". He let it be.

Did you slag wife or just TMI? What's done is done, leave it be, and let her play super in control single Mom. Why would this bother you? If it is some persona she has to project, let her project it. If it is frustrating when people give advice or input just say I'll take it into consideration and change subject if necessary. You don't have to listen, or contribute. I realize it's frustrating, but be the bigger guy here

[JuneReN]

PS...I adore H because he refused to give the reasons why he left. He gave to maybe one person (outside our huge circle of friends prone to gossip) and probably OW now lol, So if you want some good Karma coming back, refuse to play the blame game

[FloydMan]

Thanks Ruby. Love ya kid. You are right. I only slagged her on the board here but TMI to others. I may have defended her and had her back too much. From what i am hearing she has played the victim card. Some people have generated their own opinion of her. Some don't care or want to get involved and love us both. Others really are disappointed in her and not even knowing of A.
I don't see evidence of OM in quite a while....months. Ya never know though. Have not been pursuing or spying. Just not seeing behaviours that lend to it. She could be protecting herself for the custody battle and her image.

[FloydMan]

Most people read between the lines right? I mean my image I do care about. I had been accused even by my closest friends and family if I strayed. I denied it whole heartedly as I am clean as a whistle that way. Never cheated. Even my best friend since we were 2 still does not fully believe me. Then again he cheated and his wife dumped him immediately.

[JuneReN]

Unfortunately most people only see what they want to see and hear what they want to hear. The rare ones who can read between the lines are the treasure