Gosh, thanks FM. I'm going to try to work this out with you, if you don't mind. Of course, there is the CV factor to consider in all of this, and the progress I've made on myself that I don't want to lose, that being primarily an issue of setting and keeping boundaries. There's also the reality factor in my sitch, like in your sitch where your W is the one to shut down in conversation. Some things just wouldn't work with H, such as sitting him down and telling him how I feel, so I have to incorporate that reality.
First, I don't "blame" him. I know he doesn't do it on purpose, and I know it disrupts his sleep too. This is not new, it's been going on for our whole M, though I believe it has worsened in the later years. I used to nudge him awake and tell him to roll over, or make a joke of it, so then he didn't take me serious. He just denied that he snored. I've talked to him about the health ramifications, to which I get, "I understand," which is his way of shutting down. I'm afraid that anything I approach him with that suggests a change in his behavior, he takes as criticism, aka confrontation, and he shuts down. The doctor has talked to him about it too, so I'm not taking it personally.
Also, a while back when this was discussed on here, it was suggested that it would be a healthy boundary for me if I said that I would be willing to sleep in the same bed with him if he wore his CPAP (or dealt with his snoring any other way.) But otherwise, I would sleep in the other BR. But the way you're reflecting on it, you make it sound like that's a bad thing, saying my approach is blaming, demanding, and guilt driven. I don't understand how I'm punishing him, just because he doesn't get what he wants over what I want.
For me, my taking prescriptions is not something I care to consider. I have no problem sleeping. Not as well as I used to when I was younger, but still no problem. I'm not going to drug myself in order to please H.
The really funny part of this is that H refuses to let S12 sleep next to him because S12 snores too. And H manages to deal with the CPAP when he's camping with the boy scouts because he doesn't want to disturb the other dads that are in the other tents. So he seems to be aware and sensitive to it, just not with me.
So with regards to the lying.... I'm not sure how to respond positively to something I don't like, just so H doesn't feel a need to lie about it. H: "CV, I didn't want to lie to you, so I'm going to let you know that I've contacted my college sweetheart, and she and I are exchanging emails. It's wonderful to reminisce and fantasize with her." CV: "Gosh, H, I appreciate you being honest with me. Perhaps we could invite her over for dinner or a threesome sometime." Nope, can't see me doing that. Not even sure what that would look like. To H, my saying, "I don't want you to do that" would equate to a negative response from me, because him not getting what to do what he wants is bad.
And what exactly would be an appropriate negative consequences when he's lying? I see posted all the time that it's not our job to teach our spouses a lesson. Or to shame them. Or to punish them.
H doesn't acknowledge his issue of lying. If you were to bring it up to him, he would tell you that's in the past. But he's said that for 18 years. He wouldn't be open to any sort of discussion or counseling or ultimatum because he doesn't acknowledge it as a current problem. It's not a weekly occurrence, and I don't usually find out about it until some time later, so it would be really difficult to pin him down. Even then, he would just promise not to do it again.
Regarding conversation, what good would it do for me to initiate have superficial conversation with him? He does that with me fairly freely. He'll tell me about a joke he delivered at work, or that he learned that his boss's W has MS, or share a news article he heard on the radio on the way home. Fine. Great. Doesn't exactly make me want to have sex with him. Doesn't make me look forward to seeing him. Zero emotional bonding whatsoever. So since I ultimately need a deeper level, isn't that kind of a bait-n-switch? He might get comfortable, but then the minute I do introduce something deeper, like a feeling thought, he'll still shut down again.
