Nail, I lived through this too. It took me probably more than a year to impose selfcontrol and overcome the desire to talk about R with my W, or confront her about the what essentially are YOUR issues (you have to accept that if she denies them they are not shared issues, at least for now).
You are not going to make it right away, so it is important with yourself and do not judje yourself too harshly. Monitor your reactions and find ways to control yourself. I had to pretty much stop talking to my W in order to control myself. I stopped initiating contact except in really important cases. Stopped answering to her abusive remarks (very hard to master). I imposed a 10 second rule - it usually takes about 10 seconds for my anger to subside, so I can give a more diplomatic response. I avoided spending time with her - after a ridiculous argument in front of our kid at the zoo.
Don't tell her you don't want to talk / spend time with her because you don't get along - this is R talk too. Just find pretexts not to be with her, or to be with her very selectively.
And stop with "did I blow it?" or "she is resolute on getting a D". These are meaningless. First, the changes DBing will help you put all this in the past and get along with her regardless whether you are together or not. You still want to do this even if you D, because you want to be able to bring your kids up together.
So, stop worrying about the outcome or on her. Focus on what you are doing every moment of every day, and you will gradually feel and act better.
