Still working on me

[LJC]

Hello. I'd just like to say I'm here and have been keeping up with your 'journal'. I'm dealing with my own crisis since Oct '12 and keep referring to these pages when things get tough (like now) but your story I'm sure is inspiring a lot of people including me.

Is London still an option?

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks LJC for commenting! If it weren't for writing here I probably would have gone crazy a long time ago. It's nice to have a community of people who understand my sitch and don't expect me to immediately file for D and start dating.

London is still an option, but not definite. My mom really wants me to go, as London is her favorite place in the world and she'd love to help me go back there, but finances depend on my father depositing alimony/retirement funds into her account and we found out about his MLC just 6 months before H's BD. I'm trying not to get my hopes up just yet.

I'm not exactly sure how I can be inspiring anyone, but maybe I can use that as an incentive on those days when I just don't feel like leaving my apartment.

I put in my deposit for skydiving today, so if it's not raining on Saturday, I'll be jumping out of a plane! I'm trying not to think about it too much or I'll freak myself out.

I noticed another Meetup group was gathering at a byob painting location and the theme for that night? Lighthouses! So many of us LBS's have been told to think of ourselves as lighthouses shining in the dark for our spouses who are in a fog right now that I'm wondering if this Meetup was designed by a LBS who's GALing.

I also signed up to volunteer/run at another obstacle run in May. So I've got one a month from March-May. I just need to find something in February so I have no reason to skip the gym.

[sweetbabyred]

Due to possible rain, my skydiving has been pushed back. And not to Sunday like I'd heard, but until next week. I was getting somewhat excited about it and wanted to do it before class starts on Monday.

And that means I can't work next weekend either if I still want to do it. January is usually pretty slow in the events industry, but I really need to be working again soon.

But maybe it's a good thing that I'm doing it next week. The last two years I've spent MLK weekend with H in my old college town for his vball tournament. And jumping out of a plane (and freaking out about it in the hours before) will definitely take my mind off of that.

I think I'm ok on detaching as long as I don't see/hear anything about H. I'm friends with one of his distant cousins on FB and just happened to be online when she posted a note to his page. Man, I really hate that scrolling sidebar on their page. Still haven't looked at his page, but according to her note, he seems "to be doing good".

I'm sure he's posting all the fun stuff he's doing there and I know that so much of it can be an act because he feels guilty for what he's doing, but it just annoys me.

I had great GAL plans this weekend which got postponed and now I'm a little stressed about class starting on Monday. I'm taking 3 classes instead of my usual 2 and I'm afraid that having H file for D will mess me up this semester. I can't afford for that to happen, so I've got to figure out how not to let his actions affect me.

[sweetbabyred]

So I rediscovered the hero's spouse website. I'm pretty sure that I read it sometime last year, but reading about the reasons behind the infidelity are really hitting home. It talks about MLCers picking needy, jealous people for their EA/PA.

I'm reading this and feeling that the author is describing my sitch exactly. It's giving me the strength to stand for at least another day.

On the plus side, I found a graffiti run in early Feb that is offering a free registration for helping out the day before. That fits in my budget! And with a race coming up in three weeks, I definitely need to keep up with my gym schedule.

I'm debating trying to find some new GAL activities for this weekend or just enjoy having nothing to do since that'll be the last time I'll feel that way until the semester ends in May.

[sweetbabyred]

H just called me. And at 11pm instead of his usual 1am. I debated for a second, but decided to answer the phone.

He told me, among other things, that he wishes we had ended on bad terms because things would be easier, although he's still sure that he's made the right decision.

And even though OW will never understand, he still has to check and make sure that I'm doing ok. He wanted to check on me because the weather is getting cold!

He even offered to bring my Christmas ornaments to me tonight if I really needed them, but I declined.

I told him I didn't want him to drive in the cold, rainy weather and could wait a little longer. They're going to go straight into storage with my other ornaments, so there's no rush now.

And I didn't want to rush and try to look cute and make sure my place looked perfect.

His apt is actually a 3 story townhome, facing south, so it's exactly like what I would have wanted, but couldn't afford. And apparently he's not traveling as much for work.

When we were together he was out of town at least one week a month and sometimes much more, so I'm a little jealous of all the time that OW gets to spend with him.

But I am proud of myself, no arguing about OW or H's behavior. I validated when I could, and just listened otherwise.

It's sad that he still thinks this is the right path, but I have to accept that. And be prepared for D papers to be filed when he gets his bonus in February.

But I can't predict the future, so I'm just going to take it day by day and see what happens.

[Soul.Searching]

You sound like your doing great Sbr, keep it up.

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks SS! Some days are better than others, but spring is coming and I seem to do better when the sun is out. It just seems more optimistic I guess.

Today is my last day before the spring semester starts tomorrow, so I'm going to enjoy the sun and try not to think too much about my sitch.

I rented Magic Mike so that should take my mind off of it for a little while. And it'll be a nice guilty pleasure since I haven't seen it before.

[sweetbabyred]

At first I was jealous after hearing about H's townhome, because it seems exactly like what I would want. Although I really like my apt, I miss having stairs and it's always dark after 11am.

For someone who has SAD, being able to see the sun about 10 feet outside my window, but not making it in, can be somewhat depressing. So a place that is bright and sunny all day sounds perfect.

But then I got to thinking (dangerous for me, I know!) and realized that it's going to be horrible when MIL comes to visit. She is considered handicapped and has a very difficult time going up stairs. Whenever she'd visit our house, she'd just stay on the first floor, even sleeping on the couch to avoid the stairs.

Not only is H's main living space on the second floor, the only bathroom is on the 3rd floor. I really have no idea how she's going to be able to stay there.

I'd been joking with him on the phone last night about switching apts in the summer because I rarely use AC as long as I have a ceiling fan and his bill will be outrageous to try to keep his place cool.

I know MIL really wants to make another trip here soon. She's waiting for my mom to move to her town and then is planning trips here so that they can visit me and H (separately of course).

She's always welcome to stay at my place, so I'm not going to worry about it. Part of me wonders what H was thinking when he got that place, but I'll never figure it out.

Instead, I'm choosing to look on the bright side. During the first 3 months of H and OW's relationship, H only called me once and that was after MIL's surgery. In the past three weeks he's called me three times, just to check on me. That's nice of him, as he could just have continued to ignore me.

I'm not getting my hopes up that we won't D, as I think H still thinks he needs it to figure out his life, but I just want him to get through his fog and live the life that is best for him and his son.

Our wedding anniversary is next week, but hopefully I'll be so busy with school that I won't really think about it.

Tonight, I'm going to have a glass of wine and watch Magic Mike. Tomorrow I can get back to business and plan out my semester. It'll be nice to plan something that has graded assignments and an actual end date!

[subguy]

Wait SBR you'll sky dive but are scared to ride a motorcycle lol?? I think I'd like to hang with you lol, my kinda funny.

You sound good, keep up the hard work.

[sweetbabyred]

Never say never, but I'm too scared of the other people on the road. Maybe if I could find a group of people to ride with.

I'll jump out of a plane, at least once, but I don't think I could bungee jump and I know that's a lot more common. Dangling up and down on a rope seems so much scarier to me.

And don't get me wrong, I'm terrified of skydiving too, but it should take less than 10 minutes from the time I jump and I can say I've tried it.

I know, I'm weird, but it all makes sense to me!

And thanks, today was a good day. I'll deal with tomorrow when it comes.