So just step back, shut my mouth, move on with my life and see if she ever comes back? I guess that seems like the approach I should have been taking all along.
YES!
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She went into my master closet and up onto a step ladder. I couldn't help but comment....probably shouldn't have, but I did have to say, "whooa look at your cute little butt".
Risky move there, glad it didn't back fire and ruin the night. You need to think of her, and treat her, like a friend (or better yet an acquaintance).
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I am not sure AT ALL whether this evening was an interaction that is beneficial in any way to my goal, probably not I guess. It was however an enjoyable night.
I wouldn't think about it in terms of how it helped your long term goal because you're setting expectations and trying to read into it. Just enjoy the moment and the enjoyable night it was and try not to think too much more about it. Continue to DB and detach. Don't use this as a reason to contact her and discuss how much fun the night was or anything like that.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
There was a short conversation about the "friendship". So, I asked if she still wanted to be friends.
Why, do you want to only be friends? I don't. I only want to be her Husband. However, I guess being "friendly" would be the best for our D, so I am not completely against it, If I would be able to completely detach from her...but that is doubtful
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I can't wait to get Chuck on the phone and see where this is taking me.
He'll know far more on that than me, for sure. Good luck SP, I'll be following your thread
I speak with Chuck on Friday Morning. I will report back here imediately on what his intentions are.
So just step back, shut my mouth, move on with my life and see if she ever comes back? I guess that seems like the approach I should have been taking all along.
YES!
I am going to try my best this time to be the best DB I can!
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She went into my master closet and up onto a step ladder. I couldn't help but comment....probably shouldn't have, but I did have to say, "whooa look at your cute little butt".
Risky move there, glad it didn't back fire and ruin the night. You need to think of her, and treat her, like a friend (or better yet an acquaintance).
I said it in a friendly manner, not much differently than I would a friend, maybe not an aqquintance though I guess. I suppose I need to keep it more on a less personal basis.
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I am not sure AT ALL whether this evening was an interaction that is beneficial in any way to my goal, probably not I guess. It was however an enjoyable night.
I wouldn't think about it in terms of how it helped your long term goal because you're setting expectations and trying to read into it. Just enjoy the moment and the enjoyable night it was and try not to think too much more about it. Continue to DB and detach. Don't use this as a reason to contact her and discuss how much fun the night was or anything like that. Thaks for the input.
I was not going to give her a follow up call. I didn't really think about it, but living in the moment was a good point. I did enjoy the time and I will simply take it for that.
Anyway, I am not sure AT ALL wether this evening was an interaction that is beneficial in any way to my goal, probably not I guess. It was however an enjoyable night. I liked spending a little time as a family, even if it was for only a short while. Open to any comments....
Drop all expectations. It's OK to have these interactions, but don't expect it means anything because you'll just be disappointed if/when you find that it doesn't. Just enjoy the moment and continue with your DB'ing. Whenever you have these interactions just be yourself, don't force anything and don't push her. You want her to feel like there's no pressure when you're around each other. All the talk should be fluffy small talk. And always show PMA, no pouting! Be in good spirits! Have fun!
I think I did pretty well at that. I didn't hold any expectations and our interaction was perfectly in line with DBing, perhaps with the exception of my comment to her about her rear end. But, even that I feel was taken as a positive by her.
Here is another question that I have. I am trying to detach, obviously. I have taken all of the pictures out of my home that might remind me of her or evoke certain emotions from me. However, She has not taken down a single picture from her Facebook account. There are literally dozens and dozens of wedding pictures, family protraits, vacation pictures, etc. Isn't that strange? I would think that a WAW who wanted to distance herself from the marraige and lead a singles life would remove any evidence of a marital realtionship, especially from a Facebook account. That just seems odd to me. Anyone have input on how that mindset works?
Thanks for posting on my thread. I just caught up on your sitch & am just wanting to pass on great advice I've received... One is that this journey is a marathon...you seem very anxious to see positive, forward movement now--it could take months.
The fact that your W texts/emails you with random things about D or favors is something--she is still contacting you. I rarely get any contact from H except occasional kid stuff.
Also, it is good that she is open to spending time as a family. COming over to watch a movie together? At least it gives you time to demonstrate your 180s...but don't try, just DO.
Sorry to hear your D is having a difficult time. My S9 is having similar mood swings, which is very unusual for him. Just continue to reassure her that you both love her. Also, positive interactions (friendly) between you will be the best for her regardless of where your M ends up.
Finally, remember DBing is NOT ultimately about saving your M...it is about saving YOU. YOU become a better person for YOU & for all the R's you have. Maybe in time your W will see these changes and become curious and gradually make her way back toward you, but it is possible that she may not. So, that's why we make changes NOT for S, but for ourselves.
Let us know what Chuck has to say! I'll be interested too!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I would be lying if I didn't say that I feel somewhat less than optimistic that my M will turn around. His reasoning for offering the "friend card" was that it would allow her to not be threatened, lessen some of her guilt and allow me the opportunity to show the new me. He also said that it would be a much better way to be divorced if that becomes a reality, as opposed to the other option of being mean and ugly....which is true, but scary
He made a good point in saying that without friendship, no relationship will ever be saved. That has to be a fundamental part of it before any reconciling could take place. he suggested that I simply treat her like I would a sister or a friend. The part I struggle with is, I don't see her wanting to rebuild a marriage with her sister, if you know what I mean. Chuck feels that it is a good approach however. He also reaffirmed what everyone has been saying in regards to, DON'T PURSUE her, DON'T THREATEN her, DON'T MAKE HER PUT UP A DEFENSE. He said if I chase her, she will run. He also that I shouldn't necissarily remain dark or detached, because that is really not how friends or family would be. He said it would be okay to call her from time to time, offers of doing things, that sort of thing, just in a "friendly" non-threatening manner.
Hopefully I can do this, and hopefully I can turn my marriage around....but I'll be honest. My hope is dwindling fast
Continue to work on you! Try to stop thinking about W and marriage and getting everything to work out (I know easier said than done). Work on you, be a great dad, and see what happens.
I also don't think being a friend with your W is bad if it doesn't negatively affect your emotions/ expectations. Can you truly be just friends with your W? I know this is a question I've been asking myself lately (about my W, not yours ).
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
You know, I don't know if I can. I mean, TODAY I could be her friend. However, if there were a boyfriend, a husband (or even if I was invloved with someone) that would be a total game changer. Therefore, in the long run I doubt I could be an actual friend to her.
I am going to concentrate on myself. I have got to get more detached. I think I am still in the denial stage. I honestly can't picture us carrying through with a divorce, and I know that's not healthy to think that way. Recently, I have been trying harder and harder to detach. Another thing I know I need to work on is not discussing my wife or our marriage with friends and family. Anytime someone calls, it is too easy for me to open up and share. I am sure some of it is getting back to her, and of course that would be considered as pursuing. I've worked on shutting my mouth, but obviously I need to work harder on NOT sharing with friends and family.
On a side note, since we revisited the "friendship", she hasn't initaited a phone call or any interaction. I'm going to hold back until she does. Time to man up
Today my heart is extremely heavy. I am headed to a funeral of a good friend whose wife past away far to early in life. She was a mere 40 years old and simply did not wake up from her sleep. She was a loving wife and mother of two. She will be dearly missed.
With what I am going through during this time, the remembrance of losing a loved one, and the emotions that will surely be present at her memorial, will weigh very heavy on me today.
