ILYBINILWY

[FloydMan]

Hi CV,
Well it is a tough one, but H has to be the one to do something about it from a health/physical sense. No wonder he is tired all the time as he is not sleeping properly. This also causes stress and greater risk of heart disease and stroke. However, you ask what ‘you’ can do and it should be from a healthy influence and caring stance rather than a demanding and guilt driven command. The first step is realizing and understanding that is a health problem and not his fault. Do not blame him. It is inconveniencing you, but also him too unwittingly. Making him feel bad about it or guilty about it will only get him defensive and feeling down even more thus becoming passive about it and procrastinates. We all know how that works both ways in all things in an R. For yourself, you can also take sleeping pills prescribed by your doctor or over-the-counter remedies. This will get you a much better sleep too, snoring or no snoring. Definitely the tension and stress is accentuated by the fatigue and sleep deprivation. You will both think more clearly and address communication issues more rationally. So, talk to him from a health and concern standpoint both for him, you and the relationship. Not blaming or that it affects you so much even though it does, it must be tackled with sensitivity.
Regarding the lying, well that is a whole other ballgame and should not be accepted. I am so with you on that. I was told in my situation that it is a defense mechanism as W is afraid of the reaction of anything negative so they cover it up. Think about how you respond to when he does tell you something truthful but you don’t like it. He may be avoiding that response. This is also learned behaviour. There were also studies that show people that have issues with lying were often as children disciplined harshly and therefore result to covering the truths if they are negative. This will tie into how you respond when he tells you something that you are angry with, disagree with or do not like to hear. Let him feel comfortable with telling you how it is and respond in kind and not negatively. Do not get me wrong, there is no excuse for this behaviour but this is a way in which he can be comfortable with something you may have a differing opinion of. He will need to learn in the hard way that the lying brings worse consequences than when he is up front. So give a kinder reaction when telling the truth and thank him, and negative consequences when lying. When he tells the truth and you don’t like the truth, do not create an argument out of it. Discuss it lovingly and come to a compromise and solution or politely agree to disagree especially if it is a minor thing in the grander scheme of things. This would take a long time to build, especially the trust side for both of you and a 3rd party professional should be involved. I don’t like ultimatums but if it came to that then he would hopefully see. Don’t do this though until you have had professional consultation on how you would do this and present it.
Regarding the conversation, it is okay to start slow with superficial things and start from there. He clearly is afraid of what it might lead to confrontation-wise so he avoids it. Just start slow and if it begins to sway toward an uncomfortable point bring it back to comfortable level. Remember, pushing or pursuing drives the other away. Start slow and make it comfortable. Again, this will take a while for him to build that confidence. You can control the situation. Neither of you are dogs, I was only responding metaphorically. He likes you, he loves you and he is comfortable with you. That is a good thing! Bring it to the next level without him feeling pressured or defensive. Keep it light and fun, nothing serious.
I disagree with the better drinks and company at Starbuck’s plus the money spent as you say that you are concerned about money. Why not buy their coffee/beans in bulk, get an espresso maker and make lattes together or cappuccinos or whatever you drink from there and make it fun at home? You can make better drinks and have fun with it. Or other types of treats. It will open conversation. Make special desserts for the 3 of you and get them to help and join in or contribute to the creations you can come up with. The people at Starbucks are in the end strangers in their own world, not family. Don’t make the mistake of creating the comparison, though I know it feels like it. If you need to GAL, going out for one is fine too or out with a friend or two for one. I agree that all of you with headphones on disengaged is not fun and should be brought to change. Create a better alternative. This is where you can affect the change. Again, it is not an instant change that will happen. It takes time. This world is so full of instant gratification. That is how our society, especially us North American and the rest of the western world have been conditioned.