Next Step, Moving On

[dorightman]

Thanks RubyT, I understand what your saying. The hero thing makes sense, but thats fantasy no?
Am I not playing the hero's part now by trying to save my m and family?

[dorightman]

I think the thing we need to remember is that we are all good people, I don't believe anyone intends to hurt their S. I think that conflict arises in all relationships and we trigger unresolved emotions in each other that can play out negatively because we don't have the ability in the moment to realize what were doing or saying thats damaging to the relationship.

[mamabird]

I think the thing we need to remember is that we are all good people, I don't believe anyone intends to hurt their S. I think that conflict arises in all relationships and we trigger unresolved emotions in each other that can play out negatively because we don't have the ability in the moment to realize what were doing or saying thats damaging to the relationship.

You speak the truth. If we don't have the ability to know how to do it better, we can't do it better. We all should go to relationship school. We'd be better off.

Nail, I can see how much your love your W and how badly you want to fix things. I can feel the desperation inside you. It is an awful feeling, like throwing a ball to her and watching her stand there and let it go by. I felt the same, until I decided I was done throwing the ball.

I also understand where you're coming from - 3 years of stress is a long time - financial, familial and otherwise. I myself went through breast cancer and then some job misery and we moved and the kids started school and all of that. That's when our R started to fail - when the stress got really big. The things you say don't seem that different from what my H would say - that you really tried to support her, you loved her, you did all you could. Unfortunately, you were speaking Chinese and she only speaks German, so she couldn't see all the love in your actions.

You may want to start by apologizing to her. Breakdown said on my thread that he apologized for very specific things and that has helped with his W. In the end, it will make you feel better to do that. And you need to live for YOU.

[dorightman]

Happy New Year everyone, I hope this year brings all of you the peace, love, and resolve you're looking for!

Here's my update:

The day I drove back home from visiting my mom for xmas, I called her and told her that I regretted all of my mistakes deeply and for how I made her feel. I told her I take full responsibility for my mistakes and for the neglect and emotional abandonment, I acknowledged how much I hurt her. She listened and said I could come home to be with the kids, so i drove home.

The next day I messed up again badly. I took my daughter rollerskating and we had a great time. Then my w called and said she was at her friends with son and that I could drop D off there.

I was immediately triggered because this friend of hers is the person that she went to when she shut off from me and they have the intimacy now that I want to rekindle with my w. They text and call each other from sunrise to sunset everyday and I feel jealous. I also feel bad because her friend and her friends family used to be my friends too, but now W feels that I shouldnt be included with activities that are with them. I feel left out.

My anger got the best of me and I went over to her friends house and made a little bit of a scene. W got defensive, took me outside and we fought in her car. She cried and told me to leave. She said that I cant control myself, and she can't trust me because everytime I say or do things that give her a little hope, I always mess up the next day. She's right.

I have been thinking about this and I realized that anger is my enemy. I cannot react on anger anymore. I have to stop.

The next few days I did my best to recover from this by being as loving and selfless as possible. I gave her a new computer for xmas and helped her set it up with her own password so that she felt safe that I wouldn't snoop on her anymore. So this present wasn't really a present from her perspective, she saw it as me trying to make up for my past snooping mistakes.

I have been at the house this whole time. Two days ago she got sick, so I have been taking good care of her, making her soup and taking care of the kids so she could rest in bed and recover.

This morning she was feeling better and while we were getting the kids ready for school, I said a few things that I probably shouldn't have, like telling her she was the banks favorite type of person because she runs up her credit card to the max and pays all the interest on it by only paying the minimum balance.
I also said that she has to take some response ability for the past mistakes too, not blame it all on me. She said it wasn't equal and that I did most of it.
I also told her that I wanted to do something special for her birthday (40th) and she didn't want to talk about it.

So, looking back, I see that I made a huge mistake and then a bunch of little ones. I also did a lot of good things too. If I could just stop reacting from anger and stop saying things that upset her, maybe I could make some progress.

I guess my self-awareness is growing, just need to think before I act.

I would love to hear your criticism and suggestions.

[dorightman]

Went to a new MC tonight. Didn't get anywhere.
W wants a true separation, I've not really given her that because I wanted to "save" the marriage. But , the reality is that the marriage is over and has been over for months, if not years in her mind.
I've come to the decision that in order to give her a true separation, we need to divide the money so that I can know what I can afford and get on with my life.
She has been stuck because of her fears about money, but she has to face the piper because it's her decision to separate and not try to make any headway as far as reconciliation.
I have to accept the reality, that she won't try to save the marriage and because she is stuck, I have to take responsibility and do the right thing.
So I will set up a meeting to see a mediator and move on from there. I will not start a divorce, but I'm sure she will as soon as the money is divided.
It will be very painful, but I've been suffering now for a year and she's not giving in an inch. I have to accept the reality and do the right thing.
Sad, but true. Maybe if I'm lucky she'll have a change of heart later on, but I can't think that way any longer. I have to move on.
Does anyone here think I have any other alternatives?

[Aventinus]

I am afraid that you will not win her with buying presents and make up for what is done. And you need to start controlling your anger immediately. Whatever she does, you should not react like that.

She is moving out, you cannot shoe or talk about your feelings. Talk about hers, and only if she wants it. You have to give her time and space even if it means she will leave.

[dorightman]

I have a question for the DB Alumni.

I'am looking for my own place to live, to set up a bedroom for my kids and honor the separation my W wants.

My question is, should I set up an appt to see a mediator with W?

Right now, I'am paying all the bills except health insurance. W works, but only makes a small fraction of what I make. She will stay in the house with the kids.

I feel like she's cake eating because she still wants me to take care of the dog in the daytime, the kids whenever she wants her alone time(I want to spend time w my kids) .

I sleep at a friends place now, but show up to the house and take care of things there.

She says she need "time & space", but I think she wants a D. She took down all the wedding pictures in the house of us.

Should I try to get my own place and continue to pay all the bills, or should i see mediator and make her take responsibility for her own life and decisions?
I guess my fear is that mediation will take us one step closer to D, but all my friends tell me to move on. They say that it's obvious she's totally done with me and I need to take control of my life to save me because she's only looking out for herself and the kids.

Would really appreciate some advice here!

[dorightman]

Just had a talk with w. I asked her if she wanted a separation to sort things out, or if she is done.
She said she's done, and has been for a long time. She's just been afraid to tell me the truth because of how I may react.
I don't know what to do except to call the mediator and start the process.
She has her heels dug in and will not accept any other outcome.
Does anyone have any advice for me at this point?
I don't know what else to do?

[MrBond]

First of all... STOP TALKING TO HER ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP!

You do understand that you keep shooting yourself in the foot. You haven't worked on any of your issues yet. The clinginess, the crying, the insecurity ... that's why she's leaving.

"She's just been afraid to tell me the truth because of how I may react."

She's right.

"I don't know what to do except to call the mediator and start the process."

No you don't need to do that. Stop thinking about it.

"She has her heels dug in and will not accept any other outcome."

Yes but it can be changed. But it starts with you.

"Does anyone have any advice for me at this point?
I don't know what else to do?"

I have a suggestion... start dealing with your own issues and STOP TALKING TO HER ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP!

[dorightman]

Thanks Bond, I needed that!