I think it's time for me to really start detaching. Previously I was trying to be super husband and show her all my changes but her attitude wasn't changing and the D is still going as planned. I see that I was letting my expectations get control which was affecting my attitude (i.e. thoughts like why isn't she seeing and appreciating this new me?). I'm going to continue to work on my changes but be truthful to myself and know that I'm now doing it for me and my future and not doing it to save M or so W starts to like me again (which I think was my underlying goal the last couple months if I admitted it or not). If R happens great but if not that's fine too. I've also decided that I'm done feeling bad or taking all the blame for M issues and I won't beat myself up over it any longer. It was a joint effort to get to where we are if she wants to admit it or not. I've admitted it, asked for forgiveness (from her and God), and I'm changing what I need to change and that's all I can do.
AS posted what Peanut said about detaching and this is my current mindset with regards to becoming detached:
Quote:
Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
Journaling since last post: My anger towards W over how she told kids about D seems to have lessened greatly and I'm able to be in same room with her. I'm still shocked/ disappointed in how it went down and how W handled it but no longer dwelling on it. I still don't really have any feelings towards W one way or the other but I have been friendly (think acquaintance type). I've helped with the website, invited her to things kids and I are doing, and even been funny the last couple nights. Kids and I are having a great time which is pretty normal, we hang out/ play from the time I get home until they go to bed and I'm loving it. D7 has been pretty stable since NYE only asking the occasional question but no more tears or attitude changes. Surprisingly S4 has asked me twice this week if we were still getting a D and he has become really whiny and a little rebellious when W is home. When she's not there he acts normal. No idea if it's D or just a 4 year old testing some boundaries but I'm watching it closely.
For whatever reason I've been in a really good mood the last 2 days. My workouts are back on track and I'm feeling good again. Even work has been fun and little things haven't been bothering me. I've really been living in the moment in all aspects. I guess another goal is to keep this going as long as possible. Have plans for something the next 3 weekends and starting to go out to lunch with friends again so GALing is in process.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
