New Year, New Life (19 months)

[Accuray]

I was very very disappointed to find that no one in my H's family CARED enough about me to ask me how I'm doing or acknowledge that I'm in a hard situation. If you ask them they'll say they care. But what they cared about more at Christmas was to avoid any unpleasantness my emotions might cause.

Adinva,

Just like getting upset about your SIL not calling you, I think you need to be more explicit with these people about what you want and need. If they don't deliver then, go ahead and get angry. It feels to me like you are looking for some mindreading on their parts. They probably care for you more than you are giving them credit for but don't know how to handle this situation. It's awkward and difficult and hard to know what's appropriate.

When my sister left my BIL, I had no idea what to say to him. I thought that anything comforting I might say would sound hollow and/or falsely reassuring. I thought that my attempt to empathize with him would make him angry because there is no way that I could know what he is going through. I was also afraid I would put my foot in my mouth in some way because I didn't and couldn't know the whole story.

Therefore I did a crappy job letting him know I cared -- but I did. I just had no idea how to approach the situation and feared making it worse Had he told me what he needed or what I could do I would have been all over it.

This situation is completely foreign to your inlaws. I think you need to make the first move and be explicit if you want some compassion and/or support. It will feel crappy to have to make that first move, but if they respond the way you want, that pain will be quickly forgotten. If they don't step up then you can leave them behind without regret and know it wasn't just a misunderstanding. Tell them what you want and see what happens. Make the first move. They may surprise you.

Accuray

[adinva]

Thanks SS, that is really helpful. I think if I weren't trying to provide my kids an idyllic concept of a family with aunts and uncles and grandparents, I wouldn't give a hoot about making a special trip out to see MIL this weekend. I like her, she's nice, but she's a busy lady and has her own circle of friends. She doesn't need me and I don't need her.

But I think kids need quantity time with relatives to get to know and care about and love them, and vice versa. I think it's up to us the parents to schedule that and make it happen. It would be sad for them to not know or care much about their living grandparents, I think. And plus - with their immediate family blowing up I thought it was important to help maintain ties with the extended family to give my boys a sense that not everything is changing.

I think this is a chance for H to see that he's not walking away from someone who is petty and vindictive but a woman only a fool would leave. I'm not going to count on him seeing that, but I know if I decide to stay home and let them go without me, that I can count on him NOT seeing it.

[labug]

I see you trying to control lots of things in the above post.

Your sons' concept of family, your kids R with relatives and your H's view of you.

What might happen if you let go and see how it falls into place without the engineering, it might be just as good or even better than your expectation.

Expectations-resentments waiting to happen.

[adinva]

I know bug but I'm trying to decide if I go to lunch Saturday or don't. Is it time to distance myself from H and stay home because we are not together? Or is it better to act as if and spend the time with him?

I shouldn't have tried to reach out and start a relationship with my MIL at all, because that is trying to control how she thinks of me? huh. Or because that is trying to control whether my kids know her? She is over 80 and I'd like them to know her.

I'm really po'd that she took my email and turned it into a group date with H. That created a problem for me where there wasn't one before. And H accepted what was now HER invitation and I haven't come one step closer to having my individual relationship with MIL.

This is obviously an awkward time for me as well as everyone in H's family, and if there is going to be progress through it, someone has to have the courage to make the first move. I thought that was what I was doing with my initial email.

I'm not sure emailing someone to ask if we can get together is engineering. I'm trying to absorb your point bug but I'm just trying to do the right thing.

[labug]

Is the word engineering negative to you? I see it as planning and carrying out the necessary steps in order to complete something.

I know you want to do the right thing but is it the right thing for all those involved? Is it even the right thing for you?

If you want to continue a R with your MIL, perhaps contact her and ask her to lunch, just the 2 of you. And then if that goes well bring the sons at some point.

I'm really po'd that she took my email and turned it into a group date with H.
You have no control over what others do. Be po'd, let it go and then you might realize that 'she's always been this way so why am I surprised?' Tuck the information of what she did away for future reference.

if there is going to be progress through it, someone has to have the courage to make the first move.
You did make the first move and then she made her move which wasn't what you wanted but it's what she wants, this is the direction she wants it to go. (see above) YOu can either acpet this and go along or not.

I'm not trying to beat you up, just give this some time. It's all very new for everyone, it won't all be resolved in the first couple of weeks.

I think you've read along as I've walked through this journey. I did all kinds of "nice" things for my ILs when H and I were married and never felt appreciated quite enough. But what I've learned is, I wasn't speaking their love language. I was doing things that didn't mean a hill of beans to them and some of it might have been uncomfortable (surprise parties for anniv.) I kept ignoring the signals because of what I wanted.

I know that feeling when those who have been a part of your life seem to be so willing to let you go. But we don't know what's in their heads, as Accuray wrote above. We only know our emotions, our feelings and they are uncomfortable and we want that discomfort to go away. So instead of working on accepting our feelings, we keep trying to "do" something so we'll feel better.

But that's about our feelings.

Just give it a month, then 2 months, see how things feel then.

[StubbornDyke]

Just one more perspective... The current "group date" is not at all what you proposed. (And you might not want to set a precedent of "bait and switch" working.) If you want to make sure your kids get to see grandma, that will happen regardless of how many adults go along with them.

Seems to me that MIL would be perfectly happy if just the boys showed up. Since H jumped on board, that's a perfect opportunity to say, "Great, you guys will have a fun time."

From a logistical perspective, it only takes one of you to drive the kids there. Unless you really want to see MIL and are willing to do the group date to accomplish that, then it's fine to just drop back to the main goal of getting kids to grandma's.

[Accuray]

I agree with StubbornDyke, why not just call or e-mail H, tell him how you feel and what you want?

"I would like either one of us to go but not both -- what would you like to do?"

I don't see what's wrong with that.

Accuray

[scaredsilly]

^^^agree. It's his family. You probably wouldn't drag him along with you and the kids to see yours. He's the one who will now have to make these relationships happen and work.

[adinva]

OK Bug first. Yeah I read a negative connotation in your word choice of engineering. You said what if I let go and let it happen without engineering, so I took engineering with negative connotations. As a fellow recovering control freak it is exactly what I was doing, planning, preparing, laying the groundwork for an outcome I think is desirable to everyone.

Now, PO'd. I'm just not sure I'm working toward being a person who says whatever about everything. I have hopes and disappointments and I'm not sure what's wrong with that. Trying to avoid them all by letting everything go and manage itself is like the botox of relationships. Everything will look smoother and prettier but how real is it? I think I'm still going to hope, expect, wish, try to do the right thing, sometimes have it work out and sometimes not. I guess Buddha wouldn't do all that. Maybe when I've done more work I'll let more go. But I currently don't see the harm in communicating my wishes for the relationships in our family. If I've learned anything in this it is that I'm courageous and don't mind being vulnerable and getting hurt, well don't mind it so much that I won't give it a try. So I want to try, until I don't want to.

Accuray, SD, thank you so much for weighing in on my crisis-du-jour.

Ta-da. I'm not going.

I have too much on my plate right now, and I've got to simplify for my own sanity. I'm happy that the boys are going to see grandma and give her her [item needed for craft] that I've been collecting for her, a little favor to show I care. I'm happy that they're going to spend some time in the car with their dad, however that turns out. Time is good, and time is very limited these days since their dad doesn't have a schedule and doesn't come over much.

I texted H tonight and said I'd like to schedule time to talk since we're not doing our Saturday walk the dog talks anymore (since he doesn't live here). I have a lot to fill him in on S12's meeting with the sleep doctor and the upcoming routines, new medicines, recommended tests, charts to fill out, etc, for his upcoming sleep study. Too much for an email or text, plus he might have questions, F2F is better for me to fill him in.

I said I plan to take S12 to his psych appointment tomorrow, and H should go too if he wants too, and then after that I will not be going to MIL's. I need to work more this weekend. Then, I reminded him that we discussed S14 needs to be home by 5 for another commitment.

H said OK, will be at the appointment, ok, will get S14 home by 2. I said tell MIL sorry and I'll see her next time. H said ok.

The tempest in a teapot is done.

Back to you bug, yes, I could have expected that MIL would bring H into the loop. It probably made her uncomfortable that I emailed her about making plans and didn't include him. I don't know why she chose to include him, but that did change what we were doing and it was no longer what I wanted to do this weekend. I don't need to know why. Regardless of if it's a cultural thing, or she's hoping we'll connect, or she mainly wants to see H, or any other possible reason, doesn't really matter. It isn't a surprise and I learned, if I want to do something with MIL I need to be a lot more clear and not pawn it off as a visit with the grandkids. I'm not sure I want to do something with her at all, it just seemed like "the right thing to do." Now, it's the right thing for H to do.

BTW H stopped hanging out with my parents a couple of years ago. He stopped attending our family reunions, he didn't hang around other than just to eat when I had them over for meals. He acts like he really doesn't like them. They have their quirks but I don't know anyone else who doesn't like them. I like them a lot! We like to try fancy cheeses and my dad'll have a glass of wine with me and my mom tells stories. They say, every single day if given the opportunity, that my boys are taller than last time they saw them. They ask questions and share information from other family members. They're involved, annoying, interested, caring parents. Also critical, nosy, sometimes not very interesting. But, they're mine and I'll keep 'em. H was so rude to them over the recent years that my mom was saying "is it me?" and I kept telling her, "No mom, it's not you."

MIL seems cooler on the surface. She has interesting activities and keeps herself really busy, has fewer medical problems to complain about and doesn't complain about those she has, and is just a cute, hip little grandma. But there are always things she's not saying, harsh judgments of others, pointed questions that imply criticism, and her priorities are just not with us.

But it's normal to be more used to your own annoying parents than your spouse's annoying parents.

I just don't know if I really am going to spend much effort trying to build this elusive individual relationship with her. I will take some good advice and just not decide that right now.

[adinva]

So I have been diagnosed with ADD. That's not a very big surprise to me, but I've been connecting dots and I feel ADD played a role in my marriage breaking down. Not all of it or even most of it, but enough of it that I'm disappointed I didn't see I needed help.

In all the struggles we've had with S12 I could relate with him and teach him coping skills that I used, but since I was able to pull it off in school and do pretty well, I didn't need as much help as S12 has needed. He is just not succeeding in school and it's affecting his self esteem, whereas my ability to pull an A out of a hat at the 11th hour increased my self esteem, rightly or wrongly. But going through the screening with S12 and seeing how immediately some medication helped him get through the static and be functional in a classroom where he was constantly hearing OMG why can't you just... x or y or z that everyone else was doing...... I thought, why didn't I get that kind of help, and why don't I now?

I mean, gee, when H was so mad about the dog poop and I first criticized his being anal or not helping himself or not realizing I'm also busy and being more supportive and, a million other things, and then I made a calendar entry that auto-emailed me about dog poop, and then STILL forgot, that's what we're talking about. And he got so mad and so frustrated and so "why don't you just...." and I thought he was being so mean. That's just one thing, there's the piles of paper in the kitchen, the inability to put away my clothes he cleaned and folded, on and on and on.

I'm not saying this is a scapegoat I can hang my marriage problem on. But it made maintaining my good marriage and my husband's goodwill an uphill battle and I didn't know why it was so hard and why if it was so hard he couldn't just let it go like I did.

With the bomb and separation and the meetings with financial advisors and lawyers and my normal job and the teenagers and now the household and financial worries, and being behind at work and behind with my company and behind with the boy scouts and more I won't bore you with, I'm in a hole so deep I'm looking potentially at serious trouble if I don't start digging right now, and I still have trouble filtering out the extraneous.

So this is just a label, but it explains why a smart capable strong independent person can be seen by her h as lazy irresponsible incompetent and just plain no-good. I always thought he was wrong...which allowed me to feel fine...but kept me from accepting the truth that was under his complaints.

My Family Communication book teaches you to allow your spouse to speak truth to you, that it's part of their right and role as a spouse. I got defensive, made excuses, and went on the offensive accusing him of being petty. It's hard to get past that and ignore the hurt feelings of it and get right down to, hey, what CAN I do about that?

I feel like getting treatment for ADD to get my life back in order is just another way of taking what this sitch taught me about myself and doing something to make myself better. It's not a magic bullet.

But at least in my next relationship I won't have to ask him to overlook the 25 piles of paper in my kitchen because if I want to I can keep from accumulating them. That didn't seem to be within my power before.

I hope this is a step forward for me, I think it is.