ILYBINILWY

[FloydMan]

Sorry everyone, had to duck out for a while. Has been a stressful night and well...couple of years. Boy did I miss a lot on this thread in the past couple hours. I will tryntomcatch up.
About the snoring. Snoring is not good and believe it or not the snorer is not getting a good or healthy sleep either. it is like waking up a thousand times per night. It is unhealthy and one will have their moods affected as they are actually sleep deprived.... they are missing getting oxygen as they sleep. I snore and it drove W nuts. I did not believe her how bad until a few years ago she taped me. I was freaked out. We did not go the CPAP route. I lost a couple pounds...not much as I was not obese, used the breath right strips and mouth guard thing. It all seemed to work and gradually just used the strips. Then I realized I could not sleep as W grinds her teeth. She did not believe me until I taped her. She was blown away. My point here is threefold:
- Snoring is not healthy and could be affecting your H's health, sleep and thus his moods.
- We all have idiosycrosies that as spouses we put up with but as bigger underlying issues are at play we uses these little things to assist us in justifying our decisions.
- There are solutions to little problems as well as big ones. I think if the big ones are resolved, then the little ones don't seem to matter.

Now, the lying. That is a big problem and in my view unacceptable. Where there are little lies there are or will be bigger lies at some point. It becomes habit. It must be confronted and stopped. How? I wish I could answer that but a more professional opinion should be considered. One should not lie because they are afraid of the other person's response to the truth. That is what I have put up with and it only creates bigger problems when the truth comes out. It is unacceptable.

CV, I am with you on the conflict avoidance. It is not good but neither is pressuring someone when they just cant muscle the conversation. I have learned it makes it worse the hard way. My W is the shutdown one and I am the talker, get to the problem type. What I have found and learned from therapy, books and from people who are shutdown types that I have confided in is that this is a learned defence mechanism from early childhood. We cannot change it. It is a matter of learning to work with it. I know the tools now but it looks like it is too late to apply it for me right now...perhaps not if i can get chances to demonstrate this new skill/behaviour I have now. These people do not do it on purpose as they need to process things to be comfortable to deal with the issue. It goes straight to DB practices of changing your behaviour and eventually the other person will adapt to and then ultimately a middle ground is met unwittingly. MWD discusses this in DR. Her H was the shutdown type and she was the talker/resolver. Read that part again in her book if you get a chance.

Lastly for tonight as I am tired. Your point about men just wanting company and not saying much. That can be true, especially after a long day. I like sometimes just being in the room with W (used to anyway). Take it as a compliment. Don't look at it like you are the dog. You are the master and he is the dog just enjoying being there with you. You say you want peace, but it sounds like that is what he wants too. That is his peace. If you had your own place of peace and no man, then who would you be enjoying the peace with? Because as you say you want the conversation too. There is middle ground I can see in this.