finding my way

[ForeverYoung]

GALs??? What are you all doing??? Need new ideas!!

This topic should be a stickied thread.

I can vouch for the fact that in the beginning you really do have to force yourself.

A few of my GAL's

Host a small weekly Martial arts class in my home
Joined a Meditation meetup group
Joined a Bicycle riding meetup group
Go to pub with friends to watch UFC fights
Go to movies with friends
Went to several festivals with friends
Went to the dragstrip and raced my car
Took a two night, out of state vacation to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
Took 3 Online courses.
Joined a one time Zumba class (at work, and I was the only guy to show... the ladies cheered when I walked in!)
8 week Fitness bootcamp (also at work)
Home and auto repair projects

In the works: Start up a cardio TKD exercise class at work.

[mamabird]

I've been thinking about GAL too. I know I need socialization - it's a big distraction for me and I always feel better when I socialize and/or have something meaningful to do. My time and finances are a bit limited, so I am struggling with this, but one of my friends does a boot camp, and she made lots of friends there (I am in no way shape or form a boot camp person).

I have been doing some volunteering and I like it, and I do a lot of volunteering/work at my kids' school. I've also been thinking about taking Zumba and looking into doing some coach certification training. Maybe get more involved with my college alumni association. Maybe a D support group.

I know that when I haven't had enough GAL, I get very bored, spend a lot of time on FB, and then get into a big rut or get depressed. I try to make social plans every week so I can avoid that.

[littleGTO]

ruby, FY & Regretful,

Thanks for all the suggestions! I'll have to make a point to look for what interests me/peaks my curiosity.

Part of my sitch right now is that I have my kids 7 nights a week. My H comes after school for kids then leaves when I get home. He comes/goes during afternoon/early evening hrs on the weekends. When I tell him I have plans on a Fri/Sat eve. it feels like asking permission to do these things.

My kids are old enough that they can stay on their own in the evenings for a while, if H won't/doesn't want to stay, but I don't feel comfortable leaving them for very long (oldest is 13).

The sitch is how it is at my choosing but I'm wondering if it would be better if H had kids for at least one night each w/e.

Thought?

[swoop]

My W and I went back and forth on this. We are a little different than you it seems, in that we both want each other to spend equal amounts of time with our D. Oringally, we had her revolving every couple days. We have recently switched to one week on one week off, with a single afternoon visit to break it up. Personally, I think your H should have them at LEAST one night a week...more would be better. That gives him a view of being a single parent, lets you GAL and leaves a little mystery (for him) regarding what you might be up to

[littleGTO]

Thanks for your input, suckerpunch.

I am adament that my children stay in only one home (ours) during the M-F school week. I am okay w them doing an overnight w their dad at his aptmt if this gets brought up again (they have not yet done this at all). But he has a 1 BD so not really set up for the kids to stay there.

I am thinking what we are doing now is NOT how things will ultimately be if we don't end up together. I will fight for physcial custody if it comes to that though. I don't think it is best for children to go back & forth between households, I don't want OW as part of their lives, and I did not ask to be a part-time mom! Sorry, I'm just very passionate about not losing my children (even though I know I will have to share time w H). This makes me so very sad.

On the flip side-my H seems to be doing much better w kids since he left (as he has his own free time/free space to doing whatever when he leaves). I, on the other hand, feel like I am short and sharp and not at all myself . I lack patience and I lack the desire to spend real quality time w kids (although I do TRY..). I HATE feeling this way!!! I LOVE MY KIDS. But it is where I'm at.

I am seeing my PCP on Tuesday to talk about A/Ds. I feel that I'm at a point where I need to do something pro-active. I do suffer from S.A.D. (seasonal affective Depression) so Jan/Feb are not good for me. I did purchase a happy light & am trying to use that daily.

[swoop]

I was in that same spot. I really had a struggle initially with spending time with my D. I was just down and distraught and the idea of spending "quality" time with her upset me, as strange as that sounds. I guess, because every minute I was spending with her made me think about the past family situation that we had. There is no denying that life is changed, at least for now. You have to FORCE yourself to "mom up" for your kids. Just like GAL, after you get back into the swing it gets way easier, at least that was my experience

I started AD's and pretty quickly saw an improvement in my ability to control my emotions. It definitely took some of the peaks and valleys out...not all....but definitely improved. If that is something you are open to, no better time than the present.

[littleGTO]

Journaling

Had a very emotional weekend. I am definitely entering S.A.D. mode. Luckily I have an apptmt w my PCP on Tuesday. Will ask for ADs, maybe anxiety meds too. (Thoughts about ADs from others who have tried them?)

Also, I am clearly in the ANGER phase of abandonment. I am angry at H but since I'm not suppose to be showing him this side of me, I have no outlet...well, my outlet is unintentionally my kids. I am embarrassed to admit this.

My kids are each experiencing their dad moving out in different ways. One is that they are using fighting/wrestling (more than normal) to act on their anger and to get out their aggression.

I am constantly breaking up their physicality towards one another. It is exhausting. And, they aren't listening, either. I am not patient. I have yelled at them. In fact this morning I completely lost it. I screamed (& cried) "I need your help. I need you to listen and follow my directions when I ask you to do something. I need you to stop being physical with each other. I didn't ask to do this alone! I didn't ask to have to deal with all of this myself! I am so angry!"

I slammed doors and went to my room (like a teenager in a tantrum). Of course I made my boys upset & S9 cried and went to his room to calm down.

After a few minutes & still me crying I went to my boys, apologized and we hugged, and talked about why I was really angry--not at them, but at their dad for not being here. BUT, that I did need more cooperation and help from them.

I feel out of control. I feel awful. BUt, S13 did admit that he didn't want to talk about things but they did bother him. I talked to them about going to family counseling.

I don't really know if they should all see a C together or the whole family (H included). Younger 2 sons see a C at school weekly already. Any thoughts from you parents out there?

[eyesopen]

I am no expert on this, but I think your H should be involved. I also think think that the boys seeing one on their own is good. They may not want to share some things with you, but may feel more inclined to a C.

Are you seeing a C? Could you ask them what the best course of action is?

[AnotherStander]

Will ask for ADs, maybe anxiety meds too. (Thoughts about ADs from others who have tried them?)

Sorry you're having a rough time! A couple of months after BD I fell into an extremely deep chasm of depression and anxiety. In 3 days time I got 2 hours sleep total. I was falling apart at the seams and felt totally dead inside. I've never been that low in my life, it was horrible. I started on A/D's (Viibryd). I started feeling a little better after about a week, but it really took 3 weeks before I started feeling like my old self again. Initially they told me to take it at night, but I couldn't sleep so they gave me Ativan for that. I was able to sleep with the Ativan, but woke up feeling fuzzy-headed and groggy every day. I finally moved the Viibryd to mornings and was able to quit the Ativan. I was still getting anxiety attacks (for no reason, they'd just hit during the day and I could barely function, couldn't even sit) and they gave me Clonazepam to take just when the attacks hit. It worked quite well, it knocked the anxiety down right away. As the Viibryd took hold I needed less and less Clonazepam until I quit it completely because I wasn't getting anxiety anymore.

The only reason I typed all that out to you is so that you realize you have to tinker with these things (with input from your PCP) until you find the combo that works for you. It's kind of black magic, what works for one person may not work for another. But in my case, the A/D's (once dialed in) worked wonders and made me feel like my old pre-BD self. At this point I haven't had any anxiety at all in 3+ months and I've been tapering off the A/D's as well, I'm down to 10 mg (was at 40 for a while).

The doctors call what we're going through "situational depression", so it's quite possible that you just need to be on A/D's until your situation stabilizes. If (like me) you hate the idea of being on long-term med's, just look at it as something to get you through the worst after which you can taper off of them.

[littleGTO]

Thanks, AS,

The thing is I haven't been myself since before BD#1 which was almost 7months ago now, so I'm not putting all my marbles in one basket..

However, I do suffer from S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) which is otherwise known as the winter blues. My H says that at this time last year I was "as mean as I've ever been to him in my life."

I can recall being depressed and "sad" and withdrawn due to 3 1/2 wks of "female issues". At the same time H had OWs complete undivided attention with her constant ego strokes (as apparently she was in a verbally abusive M) & saw my H as her "knight in shining armour." Little did I know along with my MIL's terminal illness my H was slowly withdrawing too.

I have apologized for any "meanness" I showed him many times. Too little too late, I guess, as OW has him wrapped around her little finger.

I hope the ADs help me to function better, as I am not doing well. I want to be there for my boys & right now it is a huge effort for me & some days I find little enjoyment in anything at all. S.A.D. in so many ways. I find it ironic that H has caused all this grief/pain & yet he seems to be doing better and I am doing worse.

Also, I am looking to change ICs b/c mine while sympathic to my cause doesn't seem to have a lot to offer in terms of advice or strategies for coping. ANd, I do need help now. Being here is very good for me.