I see you trying to control lots of things in the above post.

Your sons' concept of family, your kids R with relatives and your H's view of you.

What might happen if you let go and see how it falls into place without the engineering, it might be just as good or even better than your expectation.

Expectations-resentments waiting to happen.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss