But what does he say about you moving out of the bedroom. I don't understand. Didn't he say something? Didn't it bother him.
I don't think you are wrong. I think it's more that your idea of common courtesy may be different than his. He may think that simply apologizing is common courtesy. Honestly, I wouldn't take much from that.
Right now, when you're daydreaming about your future, what do you dream of? Where are your hopes now?
Initially, he didn't say anything that I recall. Perhaps just "I understand." That's his usual response to anything he doesn't want to discuss, his "closing statement." He's that conflict avoidant, he won't even address his own issues in a healthy way. Later in an argument, he said he doesn't like it, that he feels incomplete, that normal couples sleep in the same bed and he just wants to feel normal. But even before then, we weren't even touching, just sleeping as far to the opposite sides of the bed as possible. I don't understand how that feels "normal." It makes more sense now with the last book I read, which explains that men just like to have their women nearby. Not necessarily interacting in any way, just "there." (Unfortunately, that understanding kind of makes me feel like a dog, but that's another topic.)
Okay, so I'll write if off as H and I don't have the same understanding of basic common courtesy. Now how to factor that into creating a healthy M....?
My dreams for the future are as I laid them out before: small dwelling, simple life, new job with travel, regular planned activities....that sort of thing. Were you looking for something more specific? I don't know that I have anything deeper. It's a ways off yet.
BTW, sleeping in the other BR was a combination of not being able to sleep through his snoring and our fighting. I didn't want to be in the same bed as him. Is there something here that triggers for you? You seem focused on this topic. I don't mind, just looking for some perspective.
SS - how did that hit home for you? What question was in your mind?
LIS
Well my H lied to me through out our 13 year relationship and 9 year marriage. That was huge to me but in the end I convinced myself that he only lied about petty stuff, most of it didn't even have a reason to lie about. Not that there's ever a reason but it was just so petty. I found out after BD that the had kissed someone else about 12- 18 months before and had a EA with her for the next 12- 18 months. I'm pretty sure it went further, right before BD.
It's not even 4 months since he left and he has advertised OW on FB. He has my children sleeping over there with her and her children.
This amoungst other things, I have decided I don't want him back. I love him but I don't like him. My question was about why it hurts so much, when I don't want him back. I mean part of me does want him back but he has crossed too many lines and I see thing a lot more clearly now. Just how much I put up with. I think maybe that is part of it, I want him to want me, so I feel valadated.
I know I don't need that but I think deep down, maybe I do want that.
CV, I was diagnosed with mild sleep apnea, I don't snore badly though. I was reccomend to use CPAP and I have to say that is the worst! I tried to use it for almost 2 months before I gave in. Have you ever tried it on? It's terrible, it's like when a big wind takes your berth away and you have to try to breath out against it.
It took me forever to fall asleep with it on and then it would wake me up. I'd wake most mornings to find I'd taken it off during the night.
It was not something I needed, more so something that may help. It might be something that he really can not bear.
What he done with his children was/ is not right or fair but in his mind, maybe he was trying to prove his love for them, maybe he was scared of someone else being a father figure in their life and he wanted to ensure his place to them.
I'm not saying that that makes it any better, even if it is right but there has to be more to it than your seeing. There's always more than meets the eye.
I know how it feels CV, please don't think I'm sticking up for him because I'm not. I'm just trying to maybe throw some different perspectives out there.
As for Christmas, maybe you should have said okay but that you weren't cooking, maybe get take away instead and leave the cleaning/ organizing up to him.
I can definately understand how you felt but well let's just say this was 10 years later. Would you have accommodated S12 ( then S22) even if you felt he should have made the time Christmas Day.
Obviously I have no experience but I've seen relationships before where there is a power struggle between step parents and the bio children.
Infact I have friends who each have their own children, None together. The children are mostly over 17 except one. Both sets of parents, feel that the other treats their own children differently and there is constant power struggle. In some instances, I've even seen one partner explode over the way ther other is doing something for their own child, but yet they do the same thing with their child. It's actually kind of interesting how they don't see anything wrong with it when they do it but feel betrayed when the other does the same thing.
I hope that makes sense.
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
LIS, you're way too kind! Clearly you're going through some significant cr@p at the moment! I wish there was a way I could help YOU. My stuff will be the same tomorrow and the next day and the day after that, for about 6 years probably.
I don't think you should take it too personally. I'm not sure your H would notice you weren't there if he was passed out much.
Do you enjoy your work? Do you have any hobbies you could focus on for now? Any volunteer services? It's not like your plans for the future have to be monumentally different, but for me, just the thought of "peace" is appealing.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. While we know intellectually that we are not thinking the "right" way about what should validate us, it's just an honest answer to what we are feeling and we need the room to voice that. So I completely understand how you feel about the validation. It may not be right, but that's how we feel. Something to work on? Of course. I feel like I'm back at square 1 with this. But it's how I feel.
I guess I'm not sure what peace is anymore. I'm leaving to go back to the Northeast on Saturday. I'm not currently working. I have hobbies that will be left here for now. I mean, I don't know what the heck to hope for at the moment. It's like staring into an abyss.
CV, It seems that you don't want the help. I think your H is trying to understand if her figures in your dreams. Yes, normal couples do sleep in the same bedroom. Dysfunctional ones don't. I still can't figure out if you want to save the marriage or not. Seems not and are looking for reasons not or validation. His comment "I understand" you take as avoiding conflict. Well of course, he is avoiding it. Why would he want it? Why are you instigating it? Moving bedrooms is a step back and to you is a step forward. As the LBS's we are counselled in therapy and DB to simply agree with the WAS feelings and actions yet you are not satisfied with his response. Do you want him to agree or not agree? Honestly I see his frustration as that is what I live with. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. He feels controlled. You feel control when he shuts down. Again, I know that world as it is my W that is the shut down one so I know that frustration. As a side note, there are many solutions for snoring. Look for solutions, not points of conflict.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Why do you feel that she doesn't? I agree that there are other solutions to snoring, but why hasn't her H researched them? I mean it gets to a point of such detachment sometimes that you are afraid of trying for fear that you will be hurt again. If he was distressed about her leaving the bedroom, why not put the CPAP on again or research other options?
I agree that CV wants validation... she deserves her feelings to be validated right now. Right, wrong or indifferent, she needs to share her feelings. Once voiced, then healing and hopefully solutions comes. Isn't that what many WAS's go through. They leave, work through their feelings and either come home (hopefully) or move on.
BTW, been following your situation. I am so sorry for what you are going through. And I'm praying for you.
