Distance yourself from it. Let some things drop to the ground. In cases where it involves the children coming to you, don't back down. He'll have to get over it. Proximity is important - your kids will come to you if you are around. You'll go to them if you are around.
He'll have to get over it. You're their mom and that's how life is.
Remember this. He wants to find SOMETHING to be angry about. He is looking for that damning piece of evidence where he can say, "AHA!" and have the cops come and throw you out of his life so he is no longer made miserable by the monster he married.
What he doesn't yet understand, and may never, is that you aren't a monster. You are a kind, loving, wife and mother. In the absence of being able to be a wife, you will have more energy to put towards being a mother. To boot, the kids will also get a more attentive dad (for however long). Lucky kids! There will be some chafing, but if you ask me having a mother to attend to her kids is a high-class problem to have. My kids didn't have that for many years
If he is going to hate you and be angry at you, the very least that will come out of your behavior is respect for you and your parenting. He won't say it now, but he knows it.
Do what a mom needs to do and let him deal with himself. I know it will make him think he has a chance to pick a fight with you, but I suggest when he talks down to you in front of your kids, that you calmly, and firmly let him know that is inappropriate. And walk away. Your kids need to see that and they need to see it without a big conflict on your part.
To an outsider he'll appear as he is - a flipped out nut when you do that. Let him deal with that.
Some things will fall to the ground while he learns to juggle everything. He is capable if not far behind the curve and whacked out emotionally and mentally. But he is capable. Let him. It'll take some getting used to and he'll try to assert boundaries of some sort, but as I mentioned above, you need to be firm and calm and consistent (kind of like with a child, right?) when you let him know it's inappropriate. Then immediately walk away. It'll take a few times, but it let's him know you aren't to be messed with, it shows your kids you are an adult and gracious (and smell nice), sets a good example for your kids for their future relationships, and it gives him an opportunity to look elsewhere.
Helps if you smile as you walk away.
I described my time doing that as being like raising a third teenager. It was tiring, but it can and needs to be done.
Long after everything stops being like this, he'll remember and respect you for it. Oh, he won't tell you that, but he'll know. More importantly, and this is critical, your kids will know and will have a good example of how to deal with people that treat them poorly. They learn things from their parents and you have the gift of being able to show them. Take advantage of it before any more time goes by. And don't let his anger and craziness be an excuse to not parent your kids. I never let mine, although I would listen to her input (and there was a time we could discuss things) and I'm incredibly glad and thankful I never did.
There was actually a time early on, where I realized it was a choice I had to make. Before she was overt. I knew I had to stick to choices with the kids for the kids sake. It is a tough position at first, but later you realize what a blessing it truly is that the sane parent was able to teach their kids even if the teaching example was the other parent
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
