trying to save my marriage Phase 2

[MrBond]

"I guess I'm just not sure what kinds of things I can comment on."

Think back to when the two of you were first dating. What type of things did you compliment him on? Don't go overboard just a nice thing here and there. For example "I like that shirt you have on" or "I was thinking of hiring a handyman (for something) I'm not sure though. You did a great job doing it I'd hate to have it not be the same". Or whatever.

"When he comes here, he sits on the couch and that's about it."

Then do something like maybe cook something and ask him to join you or cook something new and ask him "hey I'm trying a new recipe, and I need a second opinion."

"If he does things while he is hear, in the past I have always said thank you and follow up with an email to say thank you and that I appreciate it."

Just once thank you while he's there is enough.

"When he talks about his work and his shooting hobby, I could tell him how well he is doing. He is really good at it and his job."

Sounds good. He probably didn't get much of that in the past.

"But should I initiate conversations?"

That's up to you. No harm in doing so as long as you don't expect a response.

"Can I ask him to do things like shovel to show that he is needed?"

No. That doesn't show that he's "needed". That just shows that you need something done and don't want to do it himself.

"I really can't think of any actions that he is doing right now that I appreciate, putting the money in the bank on time?"

That's why you tell him 'thanks'.

"I've definitely shown an interest up to the point where it was starting to interfere with our relationship because his hobbies were getting more time than me and D."

But they were important to him.

"I've never gone tho (I am afraid of guns). And now I don't really know when he goes since he doesn't live here."

Well now it's too late, but you should have been more involved more in the past. Keep that in mind.

"Well I didn't reply cause I wasn't sure if I should or not and now its been a few hours since he sent it so it would be odd if I responded now."

Why? It's just a thank you. Two simple words. If you can't show him simple gratitude for that, then it's no wonder why he didn't feel valued.

"So I should respond to all emails? I was told not to as part of db-ing."

No one said you had to answer all emails. Just the ones that require a response or a measure of gratitude.

"Specific actions while he is here in my mind would be to look good, be happy, attentive, be nice and make conversation"

That's fine.

"and get him up off the couch and doing things with D and I."

No. Get him to see the fun you are having. You can ask him if he would like to join you but don't do anything physical or push him into joining you.

"Or would that be too much? I've been trying to give him and D space when he is here so am usually in another room or in the garage."

You don't have to give him anything. Don't run away from it. Stay in the room if you want to.

"One time he came, right after he first moved out, we played a few games together the 3 of us. It was nice and it was fun (and my idea)."

It may have been your "idea", but it was HIS choice to participate.

"But then am I "forcing" or making him be a father and would that hurt me in the long run? He said to me "I make/made him a family man"."

Don't overthink this. you can't force him to be anything he doesn't want to be.

"I really appreciate your feedback."

That's what we're here for. Just build yourself up and stay strong. There is another author Joe Beam who is another great read and is line with Michelle's DB philosophy. Another marriage resource to cover if you don't have a coach.