I get the focus thing. And I don't think there's anything wrong with taking time to grieve, even to feel sorry for yourself. It helps you to heal. Eventually, that will get old and you'll pick yourself up again. But it doesn't have to happen this minute. Just be gentle with yourself in the meantime.
You phrased it quite well regarding H's actions. Hard to feel important to him when he keeps demonstrating that I'm not.
Okay, yes, I think you and I were simply interpreting the word compromise differently. I don't think it's so much a standoff, because I would still be willing to meet in the middle. I'm simply not willing to go back to it being all about him. I think the current dynamic just demonstrates the dysfunction that exists at a deeper level.
I don't really blame the therapist. He's only working with what H presents. H clearly doesn't want to talk, and the therapist facilitated H's need. Now if H had asked the therapist for a more healthy way to discuss issues, then I'm sure he would have gotten a completely different answer.
I sort of feel like a fly on the wall lately. Since I stopped talking to H (not entirely, just anything of a personal or emotional nature) my attitude has really warped. We drove to visit his family this weekend. It's a 6-hour drive one-way. In the past, we would have spent the majority of that time arguing. This time, we didn't spend one second. It was relatively silent, but not uncomfortable. At one point, H asked if there was anything I wanted to discuss and I said no. Was he just baiting me? Is he exhibiting some co-dependent tendencies? I don't know. There was only one moment where I expressed something slightly deeper than fru-fru level, not even about him or us, and H immediately shut down. I found it humorous, because you could almost hear the crickets. In the past I would have been angry and pursued, but instead I just chuckled to myself and picked up my book. I feel sorry for him. But sadly, it also makes me feel like he's a coward, and I find that very unattractive.
I really don't miss the conversations. They weren't productive. I never felt heard. His response to anything I said was, "I know, but...." I don't know what his game plan is now. He has a hard enough time managing when I tell him exactly what I want/feel. I can't imagine what he's going to do now.
Just got off the phone with my father. I don't know why I feel so humiliated. Like such a huge failure. Just so embarrassed. Ugh. He's a recovered alcoholic. And he was trying real hard to explain to me the nature of the whole thing, but I found myself getting upset. I don't know why. I just didn't want to hear it. Just humiliated that I got myself into this.
You would still be willing to meet him in the middle? Ok, what does that mean to you. There is no compromise with the lying and I get that and don't think there should be. What's the next biggest issue? How would you be willing to meet him in the middle?
I understand about the therapist and you are quite right about working with what he had.
I understand about the car ride. You don't miss the fighting. Boy, I get that so much. But what do you miss? What place are you trying to get to? You said that from the beginning there might have been issues creeping in. You also stated today that you might have had fairytales in your head as to how things would be (don't we all). So, where are you trying to get? Someplace you were at before with your H or to the fairytale?
Oh, no, you shouldn't feel embarrassed! I totally get it, though. I've done the same thing with my sitch, feeling like I was a complete fool to think I could easily manage the problems inherent in step-families. It's just so much easier to see from the outside, that you aren't responsible for your H's alcoholism. Besides, you were probably pre-programmed for it by your parents, in the environment you were raised. I actually think you should be proud, you're doing really well, considering. The trick will be not stepping into it again in another R.
Meeting him in the middle.... I've typed and deleted 3 paragraphs already. I'm not sure how to answer this in the current state. In the Christmas example, I feel like I was already extending myself on behalf of him and his kids, especially given our history. He wasn't doing anything for me, but then still expected more from me. In the sleeping arrangements, I was willing to accommodate his request of sleeping together if he wore his CPAP, but he didn't want to do that. Currently, I'm having a hard time defining what that would look like. There's such little common ground anymore.
Did I say something about fairy tales? I don't remember that. I admit I wasn't ready for the problems of a step-family. I knew there would be some, but didn't expect their mother to be so vindictive, even sacrificing her own children, and certainly wasn't expecting it from H. I also knew that M required a lot of compromise, but I didn't realize it would be so one-sided. So, yes, I was surprised by some things, but I'm definitely not looking for a fairy tale, never was. In spite of that, the fact is that my H lies to me. Even if I have a reasonable, practical image of M, how do I factor that in? I find it unacceptable too.
I read a description somewhere today that fits my M, I think. I feel like I'm living a life of quiet disappointment. I'm am just so disappointed that my M is so far off from what I invested so much in and worked so hard to create. And there's no point fighting against it, because H is who he is. I've stopped hoping for more and just imagine my future without him. It's sad how deep it runs, even my dreams at night don't include him.
Besides the humorous beach analogy you posted earlier, what can you still imagine with your H? Maybe it would plant a seed in me.
It took a while for me to come up with the answer to your question of what do I miss.
I miss trusting H. I miss believing him when he says he'll do something. I miss the security I had when I thought he had my back. I miss dreaming up and planning fun things that we could do together, without all the baggage and knowledge I have now that ruins it before it even begins. I miss being relaxed around him, instead of always fearing the next surprise, something new and hurtful that he does without even trying. I miss thinking that we were going to grow old together, happy and loving each other, one of those old couples that still hold hands when they walk together. I miss my present and future as I imagined it.
I'm sorry it's taking awhile to respond, CV. Just sitting and thinking. Panic attacks again. I sooooo love those. Had an argument with my H a little while ago. I leave here on Saturday. He's trying to convince me to leave tomorrow. Sounds real broken up, huh?
That response made me cry. I get it. My life for the last 2 1/2 years hasn't been fun. I have trouble sleeping a lot. I try to visualize something to dream about. What do you dream about now? What do you hope for now the most?
I soooo get quiet disappointment. My disappointment just got louder but I lived like that and I know exactly what you mean. I want to ask you about the cpap thing again. When you left the bedroom, what did he say?
I wish I could give you a real hug. Didn't mean to make you cry. No, your H doesn't sound exactly broken up, though he could just be saying it out of anger. Either way, it's evidence that you're doing the right thing, I think. Are you able to take all your things with you? Do you have to come back? I might be concerned about leaving anything behind that's important to you.
I can't remember right now what I dream about. You know how you can remember it when you first wake up, but then can't remember it 20 minutes later? That's what I do anyway. I just wake up a lot remembering, and think to myself how curious that H wasn't in it, things that he should be part of as a family.
I don't remember H saying much when I first moved into the other bedroom. It didn't come up until an argument some time later. We talked a lot about his snoring before he got his CPAP, but he wasn't doing anything about it. He finally got it after I moved into the other BR, but wasn't wearing it because he didn't care if he snored. My aunt was advising him that it changed her life, because she could finally get a good night's sleep without her own snoring waking her up. I guess it's just not the same for H.
And I would ask for another spatula, and H would promise to get it. And two weeks later, I would remind him and he would promise again. Any more reminding and I would be accused of nagging. In a month I would just go get one myself. Besides, he didn't get it for me in the first place, I did, so he wouldn't even know where to get it.
BTW, am I wrong in thinking it's basic common courtesy that if you break something that belongs to someone else, that you offer to replace it? What does that say about our R if I have to ask?
Didn't mean to make you cry. No, your H doesn't sound exactly broken up, though he could just be saying it out of anger. Either way, it's evidence that you're doing the right thing, I think. Are you able to take all your things with you? Do you have to come back? I might be concerned about leaving anything behind that's important to you.