trying to save my marriage Phase 2

[MrBond]

"How have you tried to make him feel that way without telling him?
- I'm not sure I have. Doesn't that go against DB principles?"

No. DBing is about doing what works. And what you've been doing hasn't worked.

"But in my sitch I don't think they apply, very confusing."

Not really. You're just not supposed to actively pursue him.

"I have asked him to do things around the house,"

Asking for chores isn't the same as VALUING him as a man.

"paid attentive and have been responsive when he tells me things."

Every now and then drop a nice comment about what he's doing. You don't have to do it ALL the time. Just slightly show that what he does is appreciated.

"What else can I do without words? I've expressed myself and my remorse through words and my actions I think. But I'm not around him a lot now."

That's not what I meant. I mean how have you told him he's doing a good job at something. That his actions are appreciated? That's how he wants to feel and is what he's getting from the OW.

"Whose idea was it to get the dogs? What can you do to make things seem less hectic and less cluttered?
- we both love dogs, well he lives with a cat now. I can and do keep the house as clean as possible esp when I know he is coming. I don't know how to make it less hectic."

Get rid of all clutter. Make the home spacious and inviting. Re-arrange the furniture or put up new pictures or paint. something that shows its new.

"Have you ever tried doing this?
- I can't, not while she's going with him. Its a very specific hobby, skeet shooting. I would love to try but it would be too obvious and I can't just show up."

I meant before. Have you ever shown an interest and tried to participate in what he's doing?

"don't. Just say 'I'm having lunch with a friend right now. Thanks'.
- wouldn't that be rude or "uncaring" when I should be showing him I care?"

How would this be interepreted as "uncaring"? He made a deposit and that's that. You thank him for what he did and to add a little mystery to show that you're not dependent on him, you add the lunch part.

"This is where the db stuff gets me. Why would I say this?"

You're just being polite. nothing more nothing less.

"What would this type of response do? I would rather just not reply. (And its supper time where I am :))"

REply so that you don't seem rude. Then just say you're in the middle of something. DON'T leave him with the impression that you're at home pining for him.

"What kind of an impression can you leave with him while he's there?
- that I care about him and our daughter? That he interests me. That I am happy and content and D and I are getting along just find without him?"

No I mean actions. What SPECIFIC actions can you do that will leave him with a positive impression? One suggestion would be to make yourself as physically attractive as possible while he's there. He may not react to it, but it will help to boost your self-esteem. Then again he might start seeing what he's missing. Do something different to show him that the situation is NOT the same as before.