I'm really struggling today....

[FullOfHope]

So, H wasn't so sure about our marriage this past August (after MLC mess started 10-11). We would still ML on occassion, but my crazies about a possible OW were really creating a tense atmosphere. There were many months of me constantly questioning him and him telling me barely anything. I really did push him hard. He would back off even more and keep telling me he didn't want to be married, etc. I know there isn't anyone else now, but I didn't stop the pressure (with DB 180)until maybe 6 wks or so ago.

We had a blow-out Thanksgiving w/e when he told me he hadn't been so sure about whether he wanted "us" or not, but now he definitely KNEW without a doubt that he was done. He said he didn't think he could "dislike" me any more than he already had. I have, of course, been the sole reason for his miserable life empty of love and full of hell. According to him, although we have 3 children, we have never had a family. What we have isn't a family? I agree that we have our own form of messiness, but who doesn't? H still carries resentment from an 8yr old incident in our marriage and brought it up today while telling me he wants to move out. He says it's old hurts he doesn't want to let go of that will keep him from ever wanting to reconcile. This hurts me so much as I know how he holds these painful things in. He has so much pain regarding his childhood and he is handling it by not speaking to his mother. It's been 5 years since he's spoken to her. He even said it's so much easier to walk away than it is to work through the pain.

I've been DB since the end of November and have seen him notice. He read my hidden journal and initiated conversations (that hadn't happened in over a year). We had a real conversation (about something silly), with genuine eye contact and a close physical proximity last Friday (right before he went out of town on business). I can't remember the last time anything like that has happened. A day or so after he got there, he wouldn't call...he said he'd had time to think about things and he was so hurt/angry with me he didn't want to talk. He got home last night and was so hostile/defensive thinking that I was checking up on him. He wanted to vent before sleep about how much I didn't love him and never have. Lots more, and I just tried to validate and confirm that he was valuable in our home. He even tried to say the kids didn't even care about him. He said he was walling himself off to any relationship ever. No more. He kept telling me he was never going to want our marriage again.

Even with DB, it's hard to hear these things over and over. He's been talking about wanting to move out for a while, but we couldn't really afford it. Now he's decided he could probably swing staying in our camper for a while. I asked if the separation was just a step to divorce and he said isn't that usually what it leads to? Then he said he didn't have the $ for that right now anyways.

Is this still MLC? Sometimes, it seems to fit much of my reading and other times, it just seems like someone so hardened and hurt that they're done.