Walking the path to my own happiness

[mamabird]

LA, I think you are going to have to go into somewhat of an "ignore" mode. I used to say to myself "Is it worth dying on the hill for?" And what I meant was basically what Wendylon was saying. If it didn't really affect me and it wasn't worth dying on the hill for (arguing), then I tried to ignore it and let it go.

I actually have been trying to do this... maybe it doesn't come through all the time on here. I could come up with a laundry list of things he does that annoy me that I just ignore... but some of it - beard trimmings on the counter, leaving the front door unlocked, sending the kids out without sunscreen or a jacket - well then I gotta say something! I will say I've never interfered w H's medications! I am sure though, that he thinks I condescend to him. He does have a degree from a good school (it was my X that didn't) and he's very smart, but yet he always has to feel threatened in some way...

H fancies himself a "decent guy." That said, he does not want me to consult a L for a separation agreement. He explicitly does not want any of this to get nasty, but I agree, in the end I have to protect me and the boys. I don't exactly have a L on speed dial but I do have a few names ready to go.

I'm wondering if he really will go through with moving out. He actually referred to our bedroom as "our room" tonight - for the first time in months. Not that he's inviting me back into it, but today, at least, there was some pleasantness around the house. I can't help but wonder if he is dragging his feet on moving out. Still and all, I can't stay in this limbo forever.

[Crazyville]

If you're at this point, considering calling a L, questioning when H is moving out, etc., what is the reason you haven't moved back into the master bedroom?

[mamabird]

It's that "do you wanna be happy or do you wanna be right" question. My H already sees me as an evil traumatizer so I figure it is not worth making things worse. He doesn't need any more reasons to say I'm not sympathetic to his plight. Plus, I have no desire to be with him any more. I could push, but what's the point.

My IC thinks he's a bit confused and conflicted and I agree. Plus I got this weird email from some parents at the school asking for dinner plans - said that they had discussed w H... A double date, seriously?

[mamabird]

No double date, that's not a surprise. Misunderstanding on the part of the other couple. My H is now starting to GAL big time and my feelings toward him are starting to darken. Last night I interrupted him and he said, in front of the boys and in a nasty tone, "Do you have a social problem?"

Par for the course. I am so over it.

[scaredsilly]

what a dickhead.

[mamabird]

It's his way of trying to exert power/control. Like I said, I am over it.

[JuneReN]

Good for you Regret...don't bite. Lol, maybe you could give him beard trimmings back, like in his bed...:)

Seriously, I think you are amazing and can't imagine how difficult your sitch must be on daily basis. As to him living in the rental, he is probably quite aware of the implications on finances. I like to advice of whatever, but I will prtoect the kids and myself. Obviously paraphrasing, but it is solid

[mamabird]

The thing is, if he moved back into our old house, he'd have to kick out the renter WHO IS PAYING $1000 MORE THAN THE MORTGAGE!!! Hello, H? What the F are you thinking? SUCK IT UP!!!!!

Granted, furnished apts around here don't come cheap. I found one that's around the same as the mortgage on our old house but it has EVERYTHING - linens, kitchen, everything - and that price includes utilities... H could pack a suitcase and he'd be done. I think it makes sense, for now...

I've actually thought about putting cat hair in his, formerly our, bed. He is highly allergic, ha ha!!!

[mamabird]

PS I just signed up for a terrarium class. I am excited because I desperately need some new GAL and I figured out that I like making things and I like plants. Some of the meetup groups here are so weird so I'm very hesitant.... but I feel like I need to expand my horizons a bit.

VERO - if you are reading this - do it with me! It is at The Classroom in Echo Park on 2/2.

[mamabird]

Had lunch with a girlfriend today. She is an ex-restauranteur and very involved in the food world and definitely appreciates a good meal. My kind of GAL (pun intended). I'm hoping she and I will have more chances to go to nice restaurants since I'm not doing that with H anymore.

In the vein of "doing what's best for me and the boys", I've decided that I want to do my own budget for the year. It would include all of the expenses to run this house and to pay down my own debt. That way I can figure out what I really need to live on. I'm hoping to get a monthly stipend from H and clearly delineate who pays for what. That way, I don't have to fret over how H is spending his money. Let him dig his own grave. He is still going on that Italy trip which irks me but I have no control over what he does anymore.

The main concern is that we do have some debt in both of our names, plus the two homes and we'll have to get a lawyer to sort that out. There is a chance that if he really screws up he could take me down with him.

So, I probably will need to meet with an L just to do some financial strategizing. If H's company goes public (as planned - and it's not speculation, it's actively in the works), he could stand to make a lot of money. We may need a legal separation agreement.

I'm feeling a lot more "over it." There is no emotion left in this for me. As I continue to walk away I'm getting a different, clearer perspective as to what has really been going on for the past 5 or so years. It hasn't been all bad or even 75% bad. Probably only 10% bad, but that 10% was enough to kill it. He probably feels same about me.