trying to save my marriage Phase 2

[MrBond]

"I am incredibly remorseful and regretful for what I did and I intend to spend the right of my life making amends for it."

That's good.

"I love him and I respect him very much but I do not respect what he is doing now and what he is doing to our daughter."

That's your right to just as much as it's his right to have resented you when you were going through your MLC. Just to be clear, he's not doing this to your D. What's happening to your D is a result of your bad M. It doesn't make him a bad person and he's not doing it purposely to hurt your D.

"That is not my understanding of how he was as a father that is the reality."

See? It's YOUR understanding. You had a picture of what a father should be and he probably had his own. You had expectations. He doesn't need to live under your expectations any more than you would want to live under his.

"He really did not do anything with our daughter unless it was with me as well, never on his own."

Doesn't make him a bad father. It could very well be that he wanted it to be a "family" thing. I often invited my W along to things she didn't want to do because I wanted believed it was important to do things together as a family unit. My W didn't agree.

"And in 5 months where he is now supposed to be a "single" father, he has not been at all."

To him he is single. He's moving on.

"In 5 months he has never even taken our daughter outside of our home. there is a very good chance he did not bond with her after the adoption."

Possibly, but you're not his therapist.

"No he was not honest with me."

I think he was afraid to because you told him that you were going through something and was more interested in yourself at the time. He might have thought that to you his needs didn't matter.

"I didn't even know at the time I was not meeting his needs because he did not tell me until after I found out about OW."

You didn't need to "know". If you went out on your own and did your own thing, it's kind of obvious that that is what is going to happen.

"We went out together, slept in the same bed, had sex, told each other we loved each other, (from me it was more I do love you but something is wrong, something is missing)"

That's your interpretation. He probably saw something else. Again if the two of you never really talked about what you were going through this is what happens, instead things were swept under the rug,

"So no, she did not come into the picture before my MLC, but close to the end of it."

Okay so your can't include the OW as one of the factors for your MLC.

"But now he is doing the same thing."

Which is in his right to do so just as much as it was your right to go out with other people during your MLC. When you were out he might have imagined you with other guys. I know I would have if it were my W. So with you going out and then coming home to make love to him, etc. it could sound like cake eating to him.

Again, don't mean to belabor the point but all of this has to be understood before you know what to do and how to act around him.