...Then you may want to look at how to deal with BPD, BiPolar, obsessive/compulsive, and passive/aggressive people. Oh, and obnoxious ones as long as you're there
You should not be cleaning up this mess. You have enough stress and should let that one go off your plate. Think of this as that scene in Pirates of the Caribbean 3 where they are outrunning the black pearl - they are casting everything not needed overboard as fast as they can - then realize too late they sent the cannonballs overboard. I don't recommend sending the ammo overboard, but even if you do, you'll make it just fine.
And of course you are not strong as nails. Nor should you be. Crying every day? Heck, I've done that. I'm a former Marine. I have walked through h@ll and back before, during and after with other areas of my life. I'm a guy. I don't get to cry in public without people thinking I'm whacked or weak if I were to conform to social norms. I'm not very good with rules though. I can follow them, but prefer not to
Sadness. Been there, done that. I have never taken a bubble bath filled with wine. I've always used hot water. To each their own
You're still processing. Don't be afraid to have those feelings. Be afraid to have no feelings. Be worried when you are done with these feelings so that you don't get angry and wish him harm. That would be the gravest of tragedies compared to what is happening now. Aside from the impact to the kids.
The reality is you cannot stop him. You cannot control him. You can only protect your kids from serious harm. Not perceived harm or emotional harm as much. You can also have a good laugh from time to time. You can know that you are doing things to the best of your ability. When he walks away, and trust me he will be looking for a way when he realizes he can't make you leave voluntarily and the judge won't side with him, you need to know you did everything you could for you. That you were gracious, kind, compassionate, and smelled great
So the question becomes, how can you deal with the reality in the best possible way for you and your kids? Will worrying about tomorrow help? Will stocking the fridge with fish sticks help? M&M's? Broccoli? Will worrying about a messy house? Will worrying about anything help?
Not really. This isn't about you so it's out of your control. That's the part that's unfair, right? You do everything right (or at least, to the best of your ability) and your spouse runs off with twinkly tw@t or whatever. They lie, cheat, steal, and generally try really hard to manipulate you into thinking it's your fault and you should leave for being such a scumbag.
So step back a bit, and realize you'll be the one left standing. He'll be the one on his knees when all is said and done. You're the one that the kids will come to when they are tired of having a playmate. When dad loses the ability to stay interested for a few years, or when his anger gets to be too much. My kids know the anger from their mother. They tip-toe around. They have adjusted to the new norm just fine in that regard. Is it sad? Yes. Can I change it? Nope. Are my kids going to be ok inside and out? My son is. Not too sure about my daughter yet - time will tell. The D is the one she became a playmate with (reversal if you're wondering). But I'm the lucky one to be honest. It hurt like nothing before or since. It's maddening to have somebody still trying to stir up drama and anger this long after everything is said and done. But I'm the lucky one and I'm the one standing and my kids are fine.
All in all? Life is good. The situation su@ks, and it doesn't feel good, but life really is good!
It'll all work out in the end. Don't spoil the ending by reading ahead or worrying about it. It'll be a surprise you will really like when it gets here. I promise. It's up ahead...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
