Divorcebusting.com  |  Contact      
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 241
T
theUF Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 241
Thanks Valeska19.

Yes that was the first thing I had to realize about boundaries, they are for myself. Not to make other people act a certain way, but to distance myself from what I do not accept.

I'm a handy guy, and I like fixing stuff/finding solutions. That is partly, why I help out a lot. But in the time before BD(especially) it was also b/c of fear. I was not around as much as I should and feared what would be the outcome if I didn't at least do x or x.

My mother always needed help with stuff. She has been loving, but quite manipulative throughout my life. Guilt tripping A LOT. I have no doubt of her love for me, I just don't think she knows another way to act on certain points. She would always use statements that inclined some underlying threath something bad would happen b/c of my actions or lack of. I'm going to try out counseling to better understand these issues and how they might affect me today.



On a side note I clarified with X our agreements for christmas, so now there is no doubt as to what they are. I also said I was unclear about what she had said about christmas breakfast.
The answer? "Nothing that concerns -you-"
I just said in a good mood, "well, then everything is settled, see ya"
I guess the rollercoaster continues, but at least I'm detach just enough to not let it affect me too badly smile


Together for 8,5 years.
S2
Interest in OM.
She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out.
No signs of OM, not digging.
Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.

Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 241
T
theUF Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 241
Haven't posted for a little while b/c I've been trying to figure out where I stand.

She has been nice and kind lately, but she is not the girl I loved anymore. My love for her is growing cold.

We agreed to buy present for each others family, but when I came to her parents place, she had for some reason told them it was completely out of the question that they were going to buy anything for me and vice versa. So they didn't, and felt bad for it. She is being super nice towards my friends, but is denying her parents to buy me a present. She didn't say anything to me about it, so I bought something for them. WTH is she thinking.

We bought gifts for each other, from S. She sent me a nice message christmas eve and thanked for the gift. She also gave me a nice gift.

I loved her for being a loving caring devoted mother, a loving faithful spouse. Good with money and responsible. Now she is running around wasting money, drinking and partying.

I know feelings are complicated. I know I still have feelings for her. After so many years, sure. But, for now I'm done.

I'm still going to work on me, my plan hasn't changed. Maybe she will be a gauge in my progress.
But, she is not a person I want in my life as a spouse anymore.
I don't even really want to spend time with her at this point, I just can't.
If there is major changes, who knows how I will feel then.

But I deserve better than this. I have to let her go completely, and treat myself with respect.


The new year is coming up, and I'm feeling positive about it. I will have good times with my S. Connect more with friends. Evolve in my hobbies and possibly take up skydiving again. I'm taking my life back! smile Who knows, maybe somewhere down the road I will meet a nice girl!


Together for 8,5 years.
S2
Interest in OM.
She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out.
No signs of OM, not digging.
Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.

Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,498
Likes: 106
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,498
Likes: 106
I know it's hard UF... but you've only been at this for a few months...

They say 1 month of consistent changes per year together in order for the WAS to start believing the changes.. so by that timeline - you still have time.

You are really doing the work on yourself that is needed to become a man only a fool would leave - becareful about giving up so early because YOU feel you deserve something...

You got a gift/and a thank you from her - be grateful for that. There are some here - who didn't.

You have NO idea why she says one thing and does another - that's why we say believe none of what they say, half of what they do. If we did - the fight would be over in a couple of months.

If you are truly done and want to move on... then by all means do it.

But it sounds like you are more frustrated than anything.. which is coming out in the form of sounding a little self-righteous. (ie: I deserve better because I AM BETTER)

Tread cautiously with this mindset...

You're journey has nothing to do with hers.
Your actions toward her are not dictated by her actions.
You don't love her expecting her to reciprocate... or even appreciate it.

Drop the expectations... they only hurt you at this stage of the game.


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 241
T
theUF Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 241
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
I know it's hard UF... but you've only been at this for a few months...


Yes it hasn't been long at all, and maybe it is my impatience affecting me. Lets trade "maybe" with "probably". But...

Originally Posted By: Valeska19

You are really doing the work on yourself that is needed to become a man only a fool would leave - becareful about giving up so early because YOU feel you deserve something...


...I'm not giving up. My plan for changes hasn't changed.
I do feel like I'm done, but its more of a "I'm done hoping, watching, gauging etc"
I feel I really need to step back and see were life leads me.
Really let go of her.



Originally Posted By: Valeska19

You got a gift/and a thank you from her - be grateful for that. There are some here - who didn't.


Yes I am grateful for that. It brought a smile to my face and I thanked her back. She is the mother of my child, and I hope we, at a minimum, can be civil.

Originally Posted By: Valeska19

If you are truly done and want to move on... then by all means do it.


It's hard to put into words.
I'm not anxious to move on. I'm not looking for a new partner.

I'm using this time to work on me. To find out what I want in life, and what I can do to make me a better me.

I'm not sure if it would be wise to reconciliate if that was an option at some point, but for now I'm accepting that right NOW, it's not even an option. I've been thinking lately about "would I want to R if possible?" "would I take her back if she wanted to R?" And I need to stop that, b/c there is no way I can know that NOW. My reality now is that she is gone, and she is not looking to R.

Originally Posted By: Valeska19

But it sounds like you are more frustrated than anything.. which is coming out in the form of sounding a little self-righteous. (ie: I deserve better because I AM BETTER)


My frustration is not the driving point here.
However, yes, it was a self-righteous comment of me.
I'm here for a reason, I'm part of that reason. I did deserve this.
On the other hand, I'm also lucky. It opened my eyes and gave me a chance to really work on me.
If we put aside what I deserve, I think what lies beneath is what I can take. I'm handling this quite ok mentally, but it still hurts to be treated this way. That hurt/disappointment makes it hard to see the spouse in a loving way.


Originally Posted By: Valeska19

Your actions toward her are not dictated by her actions.
You don't love her expecting her to reciprocate... or even appreciate it.

Drop the expectations... they only hurt you at this stage of the game.


It's a tough game, and a rollercoaster. It's hard to know how you will feel tomorrow or a week/month from now.
I'm hoping to change my life for the better, and like I said I really want to become a better man.
But trying to hold on to something that is lost is hard.
The only thing that makes sense right now is to work more on letting her go and focus on me. I don't see it as a definite decision to drop the rope, but more of a path ahead.

Makes sense? Probably not, feels like a lot of rambling grin


Together for 8,5 years.
S2
Interest in OM.
She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out.
No signs of OM, not digging.
Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.

Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 241
T
theUF Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 241
Wishing everybody a happy new year!

Had a lot of fun celebrating new year. Went to dinner and had some good food. Got a call from eX right afterwards, so had a chat with S which was great. He sounded really exited to hear me on the phone. I've been spending a lot of time with him now the last week, and he brightens up my days for sure!

Small chat with eX after and she wished me a happy new year. Went to a party with friends in the evening and met a bunch of new people.

Today I went to pick up S at eX place. We haven't exchanged in person for a while due to work on both ends. She asked me for help with some electronics, and I just offered her some thoughts on what she could try.
She seemed a bit...spent. We talked for a short bit and she mentioned something like "I'm sick of it all" when dealing with the electrical problem.

I brought up an issue S has when going to bed, and what I thought we should do to improve it. Wasn't a very productive conv, she just had a "get in line, problem. get in line" attitude towards it. Decided to back off for now and rather bring it up again at a better time.

Right after BD she seemed so happy and content about her choice. Seemed she had high hopes for how sweet her freedom would be. I guess that's why minor problems get blown up for her.

Anyway, I hope at the mediator meeting we can work more on the coparenting. She cares about who pays what and who has when, but is quite nonchalant towards how we should raise him and what his routines should be. That bothers me.
She also mentioned he is not eating as much as he should and has problems sleeping. I find that odd b/c when he is at my place he usually eats and sleeps quite OK.
Maybe he gets some snacks in between which kills his appetite, but as for the sleeping IDK. But again she was more stating the fact, rather than trying to discuss.

Continuing detaching and GAL'ing, slowly but more steady


Together for 8,5 years.
S2
Interest in OM.
She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out.
No signs of OM, not digging.
Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.

Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 241
T
theUF Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 241
We spent half a day together the other day along with S. I had decided to keep time together at a min. but I had the day off and didn't want to be away from S. So I took her up on the offer to shop and get something to eat.

We had a great time. No arguing, no sarcasm. Just talking, laughing and joking. It's funny how sometimes we get along "better than ever", and that seems to be the case in some other sitches as well. It seemed to sting for her to see the 3 of us together having fun, like she was reminded of the good times.

It was really nice and a bit bittersweet. Not b/c it hurts to be with her, but b/c I could see how S was bursting with joy that both his parents were there. He was smiling and laughing saying "Mommy daddy mommy daddy".
But I appreciate the positives, and we got talking more in depth about parenting which is good.

I slipped up one time and referred to my apartment as our appartment, but quickly corrected. It was nothing more than a habit.
There was a couple of times when I was focused on S were I would look up at her and she was just sitting there looking at me for a while before looking away. I wondered why but didn't ask.

She also asked me about my living arrangements and life in general and made a comment about her seeing my....change I guess. How I seemed to understand "it" more than before. I said yeah well, that's positive isn't it? She said "well, it's a bit provoking actually, that it took you so long". I acknowledged and said jokingly that while my hearing is good, my head is slow.

She changes hair color all the time, and like the dumb4$$ I am I forgot her true hair color, that seemed to dissapoint her even though we laughed a bit about it. She even mentioned it again today, stating that unlike me she has been hearing the words coming from my mouth. Not like me who doesn't even know her true hair color.

Although we don't argue and her comments were not said in an angry tone, I think they reflect her hurt. I can listen, but often forget. I need to become a better listener(in general).

I feel a need to apologize as I am truly sorry for my mistakes, but don't think I will. I apologized after BD, and I think it will only come across as pursing AKA with an agenda. And anyway, actions speak louder than words, right?

Spending time together doesn't help much with detaching. I guess I need to keep time together scarce, and work more on my GAL. Despite all of this, I'm glad I got my awakening. I'm a much better father, and I will continue to work on being a better man.


Together for 8,5 years.
S2
Interest in OM.
She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out.
No signs of OM, not digging.
Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.

Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 241
T
theUF Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 241
Been pretty quite on my thread lately, been journaling mostly, but I could use some advice right now.

I've been thinking about the possible outcomes of my sitch. Mostly how I would react to them.

One possible outcome is she finds a new partner, I'm being realistic and know that this might be an outcome. I've never been through this before though (serious long-term-R with children) and here is were I struggle :

*She finds a random new partner.

I'll have to be ok with it. Be civil. Friendly. Take it as a man. She is her own person, making her own choices. Hopefully it would be someone respectable. I think I could handle this pretty well, considering.

*She comes together with the guy she was flirting with(OM).
Don't know what to do. I don't know if I can be OK with this. I don't know if I can "support" that.

1.He tries to cheat on his GF with the mother of my child. Knowing our plans for the future etc.

2.He admits fighting with his GF, but is dependent on her b/c he can't afford his own place to live, bearly has enough money for food. He doesn't have a good salary to start with, and he takes time of from work just b/c he doesn't feel like working.

So he is not hard-working, doesn't earn good, isn't faithful, fights alot. The kind of guy I couldn't respect to start with. (I have a non-blood-related family member who acts this way and my eX hated him for being that way. Go figure huh)

IF this happens, how can I ever act as if it doesn't bother me? I don't want that influence on my child, but yet I understand it is her choice to make.
I want to be an adult about all of this and I know I'm looking too far ahead, but this point I struggle with.
How would you guys handle it?


Together for 8,5 years.
S2
Interest in OM.
She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out.
No signs of OM, not digging.
Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.

Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 241
T
theUF Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 241
I've been doing good on not initiating. It's been a week with NC, except short txt about S.

Today she called me. She hates talking on the phone, and usually avoids it. But we had a quick chat about arrangements with S, and she went on for 25minutes about other stuff in life.

Shortly after BD, I bought her an used electrical appliance(heavy,2 people lift) as I owed her one. I got a guarantee on it. Drove it to her house and helped her put it in place. At the end of todays convo she said it was not working right.
I said no problem you have a guarantee, just call the guy and he'll sort you out.
She asked "you want -me- to call? I feel you should do it. You said you'd set me up."
I said after installing it previously that from now on it was her responsibility.

I told her "no, just call him and he will sort you out"
She hinted a bit about me helping her move it and some other stuff as well.
I politely said for her to hug S goodnight for me and have a nice night.

Maybe that was the whole reason for calling, who knows.


What I want you guys opinion on:

Me not helping out with stuff like this was one of her complaints during our R. But now we are not in a R anymore, and I won't accept a dynamic were it is NC unless she needs something from me. (Not saying this was the sole case here). I'm not her handyman or janitor.

I expected her to get mad or upset, but she didn't. Her tone changed a bit, but she stayed polite.

I didn't deny b/c I am resentful, but rather to avoid the resentfulness it would bring. I feel I need to work on not being the mr.nice guy.

Opinions?


Together for 8,5 years.
S2
Interest in OM.
She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out.
No signs of OM, not digging.
Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.

Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,498
Likes: 106
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,498
Likes: 106
UF,
In response to the post on the 1/8/13... don't put the cart before the horse. IF these things happen... deal with it then. Thinking about it now is moot.

DBing is about you changing the dynamic of your relationship. It doesn't mean taking the 1st step or the first ten steps. 25 always told me that it would mean that I would take the first 100.

You are still relatively new to the process and if you w has a complaint that you didn't help her - at this stage of the DBing - it doesn't matter if it's true...

it only matter that is what she believes about YOU NOW..

... and only YOU can work on it.

Yes there will come a time that you can set boundaries.. but not yet.

For now - you will just have to keep doing the work.

I mean do you think it's absolutely absurd that your wife feels the way she does?


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 241
T
theUF Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 241
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
UF,
In response to the post on the 1/8/13... don't put the cart before the horse. IF these things happen... deal with it then. Thinking about it now is moot.


You're right, it is no point. I don't even have the slightest idea to how I would react. I wonder, of course. But I guess I just have to realize it will do me no good to ponder over it.

Quote:

You are still relatively new to the process and if you w has a complaint that you didn't help her - at this stage of the DBing - it doesn't matter if it's true...

it only matter that is what she believes about YOU NOW..

... and only YOU can work on it.

Yes there will come a time that you can set boundaries.. but not yet.

For now - you will just have to keep doing the work.

I mean do you think it's absolutely absurd that your wife feels the way she does?


Her complaint(while still in R) was not that I didn't help, but rather that it took me a while to get around to doing it. (Not that it matters much, just clarifying)

I don't think my X's feelings are absurd. I understand she is upset about having no one to help her move stuff.
I symphatize for her struggles in all of this.
Yet, I feel that it would be more of my mr.nice guy behaviour/fixer behaviour if I jumped everytime she told me to.

She seeks out contact b/c she needs help and then goes more distant again once she has gotten what she wants. She can't even make a phone call herself? She can be a bit manipulative at times, and I feel respect would be lost if this goes on.

Or am I letting my emotions cloud my judgement?


Together for 8,5 years.
S2
Interest in OM.
She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out.
No signs of OM, not digging.
Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.

Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Michele Weiner-Davis Training Corp. 1996-2025. All rights reserved.
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5