Sexless marriage. H Left. Now retrouvaille in 3wks

[AM2012]

Just stunned,

Are you saying that he probably moved back in due to guilt?

I was looking at this as a baby step in the right direction. Am I wrong in thinking that?

[MrBond]

No it is a positive step...HOWEVER, what have YOU changed? Have you cleared up the issues that you had that led to him leaving in the first place? If intimacy wasn't important to you before, is it now? You are really going have to be more sympathetic because from a man's POV, working and providing for his family is the most important thing. And if you withheld sex before when he was doing it, it shows that you didnt' value him.

If you are having another bad attitude about him being home, then nothing has changed. Plus you have to be more patient. There's been alot of hurt between the two of you over the years. It took you years to get here. It'll take more than just a few weeks to get out of it.

[AM2012]

I need help. So my H has been very depressed since this whole situation happened even though he is the one who chose to leave. It's a bit different than other stories I have read on here where once the spouse leaves they are out partying or what not. With my H when he decided to leave he became a hermit. He never once went out stayed home slept, watched TV. He never took off his wedding ring started to become really depressed. I always felt that he never wanted this to happen but felt he has no choice.

When he came to me and said he wants to see if we can work this out he is still depressed. He told me several times that this whole thing is so sad and do depressing. He's having a hard time letting go of the past.

I am having a hard time with him being so depressed about this. Is he depressed because he's given up inside his head? I assume he feels there is no hope at all.

[MrBond]

He's free to feel however he wants. While you can't fix him, you can include him in activities, but don't go overboard. Just get him interested. Besides him coming home, what HAS changed that would make him want to stay home? You didn't answer my question.

[AJW]

I'm a newbie here too AM2012, so others probably have more meaningful advice. However, I see some similarities in our sitch's.

It sounds like you need to worry less about how he feels and more about what you're doing to change/address yourself. By all means, be compassionate and listen to what he's saying, but you need to work on you. I'm saying this because I have to tell myself this too. My wife was home for about 4 weeks just laying around, not talking or showing any emotion with me before finally leaving to stay with her sister last week. I was glad because when she's around it's so so hard for me not to try and talk about the R and press her for information, etc. I think she's depressed as well, but I'm home cleaning the house, making dinners, going to the gym, making plans with friends/family, etc. Of course I think about our sitch and her ALL THE TIME, but as each day goes by I'm thinking more about how I can make myself a better person/husband/father and then implementing those plans. It is hard as hell, but you gotta do it. If he's depressed/sulking/etc., show that you care, maybe ask him if you can do anything and then whatever he says, give a level-headed response. But don't stir the pot.

I don't know what my wife's deal is. I can't tell whether she's depressed because of our sitch, because she can't see our daughter as much...frankly i think she's mostly upset that her reputation is getting ruined by doing this. But whatever...she needs a reawakening and I can't force her to have it. I already had my reawakening, so I'm moving forward with that as best I can...with setbacks of course. One sympathizes.

[AM2012]

Well my thinking has changed. I don't get angry or explosive like I use too. If he says he has to work late again , I don't question it. These were all issues before. One major issue is the intimacy and I don't know how to address this. He doesn't want me coming near him to even hug him so I have left that alone completely. I I is this because he has told me this. So if I being told don't touch mr or hug me it feels awkward,I am not going too.

Of course he's free to feel what he wants. Should I just accept this as a feeling and not read any more into it?

[MrBond]

"He doesn't want me coming near him to even hug him so I have left that alone completely. I I is this because he has told me this. So if I being told don't touch mr or hug me it feels awkward,I am not going too."

I remember that intimacy was a big problem with you in the past so he's probably afraid to open up to you, thinking that things will go right back to the way they were. If he does open up again, are you committed to having the intimacy issue change for good?

Have you done anything to "spark" his interest? You could try by dressing in a more sexy manner if you haven't. Something drastic needs to show him that things won't be the same but he has to SEE that. One thing I would suggest is to go up to him and tell him "I just wanted you to know that I understand what you're going through and if you need to talk to someone I'm there for you." Then just give him a hug and walk away.

"Of course he's free to feel what he wants. Should I just accept this as a feeling and not read any more into it?"

No his feelings definitely matter because they are real to him. His depression is like someone who has fallen into a hole. He looks all around and all he can see are the walls of the hole. He doesn't realize that all he has to do is look up for a way out and that are there holding the ladder. You can help to show him the opening but ultimately he has to WANT to get out of that hole.

[AM2012]

How do I help him see that there is an opening? I am really hoping retrovaille will help with this.

[MrBond]

Did you read my post?

[MrBond]

SHOW him. DON'T TELL him. But it has to be HIS own free will.