It is so hard to surrender the idea that he never felt love from me in all these years
He did, he's just spinning history right now. Try not to let it get to you. It's upsetting, but you've got to remember that he's in a fog.
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but yet feels love from OW in just 9 months since he has met her... and really only 4 months since they have been exclusive.
I know what I'm going to tell you is hard to do, but you've got to do it for your own welfare. You've got to quit dwelling on H and OW and turn the focus on yourself. You can analyze their R to death and you will never understand it. It will never make sense. It's no indication of you as a person, you need to recognize your own value and appreciate that you have worth and are important, then build on that. You can't let your H's actions tear your self-esteem down any lower. It's time to rebuild yourself and make yourself better, more attractive, more centered, happier and healthier. This is what DB'ing is all about, make yourself into the W only a fool would leave.
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Thats not to say there werent things I could have changed..of course
Don't ignore those things. DB'ing is a discovery process. Discover what you did wrong, and do 180's on those things.
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H was broken for many years with his depression and I always tried to help in any way I could. Mainly, by allowing him to have a life of his own that involved LOTS of golfing. That was always an issue..how much spent golfing.
What do you mean "that was always an issue"? I'm getting the impression that while you may have allowed him to go golfing, that perhaps it was always a sore spot with you. Did you express that to him? Even though you let him go, if you complained to him about it then he probably didn't see it as a positive thing.
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I dont believe that I stopped meeting his needs completely in our marriage, but life did get in the way, as it does when you are married 15 years and have 2 kids.
Well it goes both ways, I'm sure he quit meeting your needs as well. But don't just sweep it under the rug, acknowledge it. You quit meeting each other's needs and the M suffered. It happens, it happened to me and my W too.
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We got comfy and then when lift became overwhelming...he ran.
It seems like you're harboring a lot of resentment towards H. It's understandable after what you've gone through, but I mention it for two reasons. One is you've got to forgive him and get past it before you can fully detach. Two is you've got to set it aside if you have any hope of evaluating your own faults and doing 180's on them. As long as you blame H you won't be able to effectively search yourself.
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I dont know that I could have changed anything
Of course you could have. None of us is perfect. We all could have done better. So could our spouses.
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He always looked at me with such love and then BAM....done. He doesnt love me anymore...he doesnt want to be in our marriage...He doesnt want to work on anything...when family was his # 1 thing always.
This is the case for many if not most of us here. A seemingly loving spouse suddenly decides they're done, and to us it seems like it was overnight although to them it took months or even years to get there.
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I find it hard to move on and have a newborn and pretend that all is well and that we are some happy family.
All will be well again, with or without your H. When you realize the truth in that then you're on the path to detachment.
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I hope that one day he will look back and see what he did and maybe realize that he made the biggest mistake of his life.
Here's another clue about detachment, when you finally are able to detach you will want your H to be happy, whatever that means for him. Because you will realize that your kids will be spending time with him, and the happier his home is then the better adjusted your kids will be to going back and forth. If you can become that person, the person whose PMA is not dependent on whether your H is there or not, then you've detached. And THEN he might start regretting his choices.
