I've decided to try and stick it out and not move for as long as I can take it.
I think that's goodness. Hang in there.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
I was on treadmill and she walks right by the empty machine next to me and goes to treadmill on other side of gym. This ticked me off and not sure why.
Are you doing this half marathon for you or for her?
One other thing has been bothering me for almost a week but I didn't post about it because I wanted to give myself time to think about it before asking for your opinions on it. Sadly none of my answers really support what we're all fighting for which is probably why I haven't posted until today
Last Wed I saw my IC who seems to really get me and isn't afraid to use the 2x4 method when needed. I've seen him off and on for a while but pretty much weekly the last couple months. Last week I was pretty angry, as you guys know, and I was venting and he told me to stop playing the victim and we discussed things I have control of and he reiterated that's what we need to concentrate on. He then changed directions and asked why I wanted to stay married. He's been very pro marriage and pro the DB style. He said over the time we've been seeing each other I've referenced on different occasions how unhealthy the relationship was and how one sided I felt it was with regards to love (as a verb). He reminded me that 6 months ago when we talked the reason I said I wanted to stay married was for the kids, the fear of being alone, and the hope that one day either my W would become person I want/need or I would change to accept what W offers. He said he felt I wasn't afraid to be alone any longer and he wanted me to think about some things to make sure I was doing this for the right reasons (my happiness). Last week he asked me 3 questions that I'm having a very tough time answering.
(1) Am I trying to save the marriage because I'm so competitive and I hate to lose? I hadn't thought of that but I'm afraid he might have a point. I rarely lose at anything I put my mind to and I always said I wanted to stay married forever and never get divorced. I didn't want my kids to have to deal with things I did growing up and I was willing to sacrifice myself for that goal. I think not wanting to lose may be my main driver after my kids not having to live in a broken home. Is that really messed up or has anyone else thought this way?
(2) When was the last time I was down or hurting that my W made me feel loved or cared for? This one really hurts and has helped fuel my current disdain for my W. I've spent a lot of time this week looking at old pictures, reading old letters, etc... to find something and I can't answer this F'n question. Any of the issues I've had over the years, either physical or mental, my W hasn't been there for me. Don't get me wrong, when times were good we had fun and it was great, when it was neutral we coexisted better then most and co-parented good, I loved always having someone to do things with and we were friends, but when the chips were down I can't think of one instance where she supported me or went out of her way to help me or pick me up. Every instance I could think of she was checked out and just let me deal with it on my own. Many of the ones I thought of I remembered her actually being upset or even angry with me that made things worse. Even the last 2 times I was sick (both times with flu) she didn't lift a finger to help. How sad is it that I'm having this hard a time remembering anything over last 10 years? I'm not sure if my IC knew the answer I'd come up with to help me detach or if he expected a bunch of examples to give hope for the future.
(3) If I don't think about kids do I think I could be happy and get my needs met with my W? This was also a tough one because my needs haven't been met in a long time and that's very clear to me now and I can't accept it any longer. I'm trying to believe that if both W and I are willing to change (which she shows no sign of doing) then I think I could be. With a lot of work I think we could get past the roadblocks that have held us back. I know where my head is but the problem is she's told me in her head everything about me is so negative right now that she doesn't think she can let it go without D and it isn't worth trying. I also now see that over the years I've let her attitude and blaming bring me down which I'm now fighting to get out of and become who I want to be and I don't want to ever feel that way again. So answering this question is tough because I can only control me. I know that I can, and will be happy in the future, I just don't know if W is in the picture or not and I have no control of that. I'll continue to DB and see what happens for my own sake.
I'll be talking with him tomorrow and will obviously be giving these more thought. I have to say though it makes me nervous that I can't answer these questions because I'm really trying hard to find reasons to keep fighting. The more I'm fighting for reasons the more I'm wondering if D is the right answer. Just need to remember the past does not define the future and it can be different.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Honestly, I think all those questions are a little too focused on your W. Yeah, she probably didn't/doesn't know your LL and you're at a point know where even if she did, she's probably not willing to do anything about it.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
I didn't want my kids to have to deal with things I did growing up and I was willing to sacrifice myself for that goal. I think not wanting to lose may be my main driver after my kids not having to live in a broken home. Is that really messed up or has anyone else thought this way?
I gave up on the "not wanting to lose" thing a while back, but the kids are definitely a huge driver for me. I wouldn't stay in it for them alone, but understanding the statistics and how D affects kids (academically, socially, etc) is a big big thing for me.
I think the biggest thing I realized is that M is work. Now that I get that, I don't think it'll be easy with any woman. Sure, it'll start easy, but after the honeymoon phase, it'll take work. And if I'm going to work at it, I'd rather start here given everything at risk, even if I'm the only one working for the moment (my W was the only one working at it at other times, so I think I owe her that much).
