Does that feeling of being grounded still resonate with you at all? Is it something that was good enough to have any draw for you still? I'm not even saying it has to be outside of your M, but can you see any way to recreate that?
I can see why you would have walked away from your first M if it was that abusive. I'm curious as to your ability to do it then, whereas fear seems to have an over-powering grip on you now? Maybe because it's because this M is just empty rather than abusive, and maybe that's easier to take? I don't know, because I really don't have much experience with D, thankfully. But in watching H's ex, it seemed like after her first D, it just got easier and easier for her (she was M'd/D'd 3 times). I'm not suggesting that's a good thing to be experienced in, but I can see where it would give someone the confidence that they'll get through it and be alright on their own. They know the D process, they have some experience under their belt, etc. I guess I just feel so bad for you and the fear you mention about a lot of things. Fear leads into so many other emotions and makes them all so much worse. It's the difference between night and day -- things are scary in the dark and seem utterly ridiculous in the light of day (for me anyway.)
His kids hurt me, yes, but I blame it as much on their parents as anything. I came into the M with the highest ideals of what a wonderful family we would make. Their mother was rather deficient as a parent, very cold and uninvested, and I hoped to fill the void she left in them. But she was such a bitter and jealous person, that she fed the kids a daily dose of bitterness and self-pity, blaming all her problems on H and me. The kids were too young/gullible to rationalize through it, and eventually jumped on the bandwagon with her. Being the stepmother, I became everyone's target, even H's. There are several books that I've read since on step-parenting that, if I had read them before I got M'd, would have caused me not to M H in the first place. But that's a topic for another board. My problems weren't unique, in fact quite typical. I just wasn't prepared. And as I said, I have a good R with 3 of the 4 now, but it's just friendly rather than close.
I agree, most parents would say the same thing -- that they would do anything for their children. Unfortunately, sometimes that manifests itself in things like a mother having anohter student killed because she's competing with her daughter in cheerleading and it looks like her daughter might lose to her. So I guess I would clarify my statement to say that I would do what I believe is best for my S12, but not "anything." And tossing out my own moral compass is not one of them. I mean, really, it was not a life-threatening event that made my H offer to let his daughter drive my car, and if he felt it was an alright thing to do, then why did he hide it? No, I can't ever imagine myself doing the things he has done, not even "for the sake of my S12." H did as much damage to his daughters in the M lesson he taught them that day as he did to me.
I really can't speak much for their M. I didn't know them then, only knew H through work. H presented that it was all her, but knowing him as I do, I'm quite certain that wasn't the case. But for whatever reason, she had an affair and D'd H.
Compromise is definitely needed in M. The definition of compromise is two people each giving up something so that each can get something, or specifically from the dictionary, "something intermediate between different things." I'm very aware of this and usually factor in my "offer of compromise" before I even ask for something. But this doesn't work with us. It's why I've had to focus so much on boundary-setting, because I would let H just bowl right over me. I may seem tough now, but I wasn't always. So for example, H snores and it makes me not sleep well. I moved to the other bedroom. H wanted me back in bed with him, so I said I would if he wore his CPAP, and he agreed that he would. He did for a night or two, then I noticed he's not wearing it, "because it's uncomfortable." So much for compromise. It comes across to me that it's perfectly fine for him that *I* be uncomfortable because I can't sleep with his snoring, but he shouldn't have to be uncomfortable, either with me sleeping elsewhere or his wearing his CPAP.
More specifically to his kids. Last Christmas was a big blowout for us. His kids normally come over Christmas eve. A little history first.... we always got second billing for any holiday/event. Their mother would put up a big stink if she didn't get prime time, regardless of what the custody schedule said. So we *never* have gotten Christmas Day. Fine. But with the intent of having *some* sort of tradition established, I'm pretty possessive of Christmas Eve, and only Christmas Eve. My extended family comes over then, too, so it's a pretty big affair. Well last year, there was going to be some possible scheduling conflict. I get this, as the kids get older and BF/spouses are added, things will need to change. But I figure it's reasonable to think it will need to change for *everybody*, which includes their mother. So I suggested that if they couldn't manage Christmas eve, then perhaps they could eek out an hour or two on Christmas Day, and cut their 10-hour day short at their mother's gathering. Well they didn't want to do that. I felt insulted. I think their father should have felt insulted, too, but I've let go of that. He didn't, or is simply used to it, and was willing to have them over the day after Christmas. I wasn't. By that time, I'm tired, I'm Christmas'd out, and the last thing I want to do was cook/host another gathering, simply because they couldn't be put out enough to alter their schedule, even a little. So I told H he was more than welcome to see them, that I would not participate. I would have been willing to host them Christmas Eve, or to incorporate something into the plans for Christmas Day, but not on yet another day. I'm tired by then. H found that unacceptable. He spent zero effort negotiating with them the reasonableness of cutting an hour or two out of Christmas Day, but loads of time telling me how unreasonable I was for not accommodating their schedule. What exactly was H compromising on my behalf?
I'm not suggesting that I check out in everything. I'm suggesting that I check out when he and I can't agree on something regarding his children, which is a lot unfortunately. Since he isn't willing to compromise anything in consideration of my needs, I'm not sure what the alternative is. Our counselors over the years have really chewed him up for his behavior in these issues, but nothing has changed and I have no reason to expect them to. So the solution is simply what can be, as opposed to what should be.
Can you find the connection again? I think some people can definitely do that. If they were genuine when they first met, so that the connection was real, I believe that can be rebuilt. Sometimes life just interferes with that, like business of jobs, children, aging parents, etc. If that can be cleared away and the old connection can be exposed again, then I think it definitely can be.
But if the connection was unhealthy/unreal in the first place, or the connection is broken because of betrayal or infidelity, I think oftentimes it can't be. I'm sure it varies from person to person, but those are my thoughts anyway, based primarily upon my perspective and my sitch I'm sure. Throw on top of that the fact that both people need to want to get there and oftentimes it's only one, the odds keep plummeting. I'm probably not the one to ask this question. I've definitely got a half-full attitude about it. Unfortunately, if it can be done, I don't know how. I'm still looking, just less passionately than I used to.
