Your h's behavior is what we call "cake eating". As long as he's got it good at home and you aren't making waves, he'll continue as he has w/you, i.e., being nice, telling you he misses you, etc. However, if you were to shake things up, you would see a different side of your mlcer.
Your MLCer is very normal for MLC land. Some do exactly what your h is doing and others go completely off the rails at the very beginning. It's time you do some 180's and start making changes for yourself that you will be happy with. It's time to let your man see that you aren't waiting the in the spot he left you, but are going on w/your life doing and experiencing new adventures.
Time to take the rest of the cake and put it in the freezer or garbage. He doesn't need another slice because he's entirely too comfortable w/his present situation and will not change for a very long time. Please do not become a doormat to his promises and crumbs that he is offering up to you. You are far, far better than the ow he is seeing now. You are the prize!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yeah, I don't get the lack of boundaries and consequences either. You're going to see the OW again? Fine, then I will pack your things and leave them on the front porch for you to collect when you return.
Or: you're going to see the OW again? Fine, I'm going to Aruba for the week to have some fun. See ya.
Thanks for the posts MrB and Sunshine. I'm having a rough evening here. I think fear is keeping me from doing what you've both suggested. I don't want him the way he is, that's for sure. I do want him to wake up and smell the roses.
The confusing part of all of this is that we do have fun when we go out and almost always have wild/crazy private times both here and when we take trips. That's the comfusing part. We have a good time together! There are times when he shows signs of depression and just wants to sleep or sit in front of his computer and they seem to be getting more frequent over the past few months. He didn't want to go to our family Christmas party and I didn't push it. At the last minute he decided to go because he thought it was the right thing to do. Of course, he had a good time when we got there. I am begining to feel like I have to keep him entertained to keep his interest. I don't mind doing that but lately it doesn't seem to be enough, he's not here, he's there.
He fits the desciption of Frank Pittman's "Emotionally Retarded Man" perfectly. He needs the drama and swirl that comes with the OW. It helps his brain feel good.
I will do exactly that MrB...no answering the phone, no responding to texts and if I allow myself to let go and say what I've been thinking, I WILL tell him how disrespected I feel. I know that I deserve to be with someone who cares and respects me even though it's the last thing on my mind right now. I've held back for long enough. I just have to make sure that my Mediterranean blood doesn't boil and I say things I will regret.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Snodderly and kml...I think I get it. It goes against what I thought I was supposed to be doing but I certainly can do all of the above. I do have a life without him but I've hung close during this time because I was worried about him and his behavior. When the OW appeared and he told me that he was going to go visit her I knew I should have reacted in the obvious way and told hin to buy a one way ticket!
What I have the most trouble with is the depression. I can't help him, I know that but I feel like I need to be sympathetic to him at the same time. When he tells me he's not depressed I tell him that it wouldn't hurt to go to the Dr. to find out why he feels tired, lost weight and can't sleep. Do I stop making suggestions and just let him figure it out himself?
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
You've suggested that he see a physician and he's not taken the advice. I would not mention it again because he's got to do this on his own, just like an addict, i.e., until they hit bottom, they will not seek help.
You can be sympathetic, but don't become a door mat. Yes, he's got some issues going on, but there's nothing you can do about them. Why? Because you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.
I wouldn't be too quick in picking up the phone or answering his emails/texts. He needs to see that you are going on w/your life. Right now, he's got the best of both worlds and until he begins to sense that you are pulling away and are living your life for you and not waiting around on him, he'll continue this behavior.
I understand the worry you have had because of his behavior, but you can't control him and he will most likely not listen to any of your suggestions. Mlc takes a long time to process and it's not a good idea to attempt to pull him out of the crisis because the next time around will be far worse than it is now. They will do and say things that you've never imagined and all you can do is step back, detach and let them go. Bottom line, he's missing something in his life and he needs to go back and retrace his childhood steps to confront those issues that stunted him emotionally in order to grow up.
You will need to determine what boundaries you want to put in place and stick to them once he returns home. The saying around here is "let go, let God". That saying is so true because God is the only one that can help him save himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, it worked, sort of. Yesterday I had a lot to take care of so I started early in the morning. As I was leaving the phone rang. Saw that it was H. I closed the door got in my car and started my errands. A few minutes later a text telling me that he tried calling me at home and that he missed me. I ignore it. An hour later another text saying that he tried me at home and still no answer. A few hours later I sent a text telling him that I'm running errands (so that he doesn't have the neighbors break down the door looking for me). He calls immediately after he receives my text telling me that he'd called 3 times and was worried. I repeated that I was running errands. The line was silent for almost a minute. I asked him if he was still there rather than "you called me, what do you want?" He asked me where I was and what errands I was running. Today, he caught me off guard. No caller ID so I thought it was my daughter. I'm starting to see how nutty he really is. He was making no sense, he was chuckling at everything I said. He was either drunk or with the OW playing some sick game. I said as little as possible, let him ask his questions. I politely answered but didn't ask or say anything more. It was 15 minutes of him trying to carry on a one sided conversation. Seconds after we hung up, the phone rings again, this time with caller ID so I know it was him. No, I didn't answer but then a text comes telling me that he was calling back to tell me that he missed and loved me. The phone rang again about 10 minutes ago...nope didn't answer.
He has so many issues from his childhood and teen years. I suspect this will take quite some time. I'm not sure if I'm up for what's to come. We've always listened to what the other has to say and trusted each others judgement so my natural tendency is to tell him how I see his behavior as destructive, etc. It's so hard not to talk to him like we've always talked. I just have to keep telling myself that it will make it worse and visualize that "Stop sign" before I open my mouth. Ho, Hum. Time for a Sunday drive.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
I've been doing more of the same as I stated above and it is definitely working. This afternoon he sent me a text asking me why I'm not answering his texts or taking his phone calls. It had only been a few days since the last contact with him and now he's hurt and pissed? He tells me that he thinks that I don't want to talk to him and that I'm out having fun. Duh????? So I'd say it is working. I told him that I was sorry that he felt that way. The cake eater is actually paying attention to MY behavior.
My biggest concern right now is what to do when he comes in tomorrow night. He asked if I would be able to pick him up. I told him that I was getting together with friends for dinner and that I'd let him know. It will take a train, a boat and a 2 mile walk (all uphill) to get home....dragging a suitcase no less! LOL! So what do you think? I thought I'd offer to pick him up (I'll be driving right by the airport on my way home) if he wanted to wait till I'm finished with my evening. Sort of putting the ball in his court. He can take it or leave it, right? Or is that being too accomodating? Thoughts, other ideas?
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
I would offer to pick him up after you finish up your evening w/your friends and if he doesn't want to wait on you, he can find his own way home. You are giving him a choice to make of his own accord. However, whatever you do, don't change your plans.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, thanks for the response. I appreciate you being here for support not just for me but for everyone on this board. As I read through the situations I can't help but wonder why some people go through such a rough time while in a MLC and others don't. I understand that events from long ago and sometimes not so long ago events can trigger it but why do some just lose their minds and others find a way to work through it without destroying everything and everyone around them? I've had some pretty rough years with parents passing, kids misbehaving etc. and I do remember going through a time when I just wanted to leave it all for some peace, quiet and calm. My childhood wasn't a piece of cake and teen years were pretty awful at times but for whatever reason I stuck with my husband and family because it was the right thing to do. It wasn't their fault that I had trouble dealing with issues. (shaking my head here)
On my way to dinner shortly. I'm a little nervous but very confident that I will say or not say the right things when I see him. A little prayer might help me hold my tongue still when necessary.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
It all depends upon the childhood issues and just how deep they run. If they were emotionally stunted by abusive parents or parents who didn't validate/affirm, this is one of the issues for those going off the rails. The coping skills for those who go completely nuts are not there. They didn't learn how to cope. They were always told to do this or that and the parents didn't allow the child to express his/her thoughts. There are some instances of mental and physical abuse as well for those of them.
Coping skills really are what the mlcers need as well as a couple of years in a padded cell for those who go off the rails.
You will do just fine. Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
