Unpacking my bags

[needgrace]

Wow... you all are amazing. it overwhelms me how kind and loving this forum is... i feel so blessed to have found this place and to have found each of you.

i have dusted myself off and turned the page (thank you KG)... i am starting to forgive myself, it is a process but each day is easier. i am glad you came back to the boards too.. let's find a way together to laugh at our mistakes and let go of them.. ok sweet friend? And Afa, Busting and SS, I wish you lived close enough to join us.

Val, thank you sweet friend for the wonderful analogy... my pond is so muddy that no one can see anything in there actually, when i was little we had a pond close by and i kept getting these cool beautiful toy sailing boats which would unceremoniously sink quickly when i put them in the pond. so yesterday i thought that my hopes and expectations are like those boats, i continue to launch them into the pond and they continue to sink... and i throw a tantrum of sorts.

val, how did you get so wise at such a young age? you are amazing, lady.

ok.. there are things i know i need to do now.. i need to (for me...busting)

i will not have any contact with W or her family right now. i love her sister and nieces and nephews, but it is too much right now, too much pain. i need to take care of me. to do so, i am making a commitment to myself to come here and post before i make any contact.

i will stay away from the places that i would be more likely to see w.

i will not launch any boats or throw any rocks to test the waters... and to do that i need to get a better hold on my mind. i can not control my heart... but i can work on my mind. my IC said that i am not giving enough voice to the child part of me that feels so betrayed and scared. i was trying to act like i had forgiven before i was truly ready to do so. and you are right, Val, God knows where I want to be and understands that I am doing my best to get there.

i will keep moving forward in creating new parts of my life and expand to meeting more new people. i am going to commit to a writing workshop this weekend. i will commit to daily meditation. i will continue to access my friends more for support instead of trying to appear strong.

thank you all... this is where i need to be.