What can I say? I am the WORST DBer as you know... I am still angry and resentful with my H. I tell myself that I will listen, validate and STFU EVERY TIME I see him. And yet, EVERY TIME I mess up. He left because of my anger, and guess what? I am still angry at him!
So don't feel bad because you messed up once. You are human and you have been doing great. You are such an amazing person with a beautiful soul and you have helped so many of us here...
Know that we are here for you.
So get up. Dust off. Turn the page. Forgive yourself (which at least to me is the hardest part) And focus on today.
I am glad I came to the boards today so I could post to you, my dear friend.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
exactly, grace. you touched the hot stove...won't do that again! you learned. you're a better person, better able to handle that same situation should it appear again in the future.
it's a gift.
((((()))))
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
NG I echo both busting and kg with the forgiveness and grace part...
.. but I'm also going to suggest its time to love yourself.
And I don't mean just the grace and compassion part of it, I mean the hard stuff.
Knowledge is power and you have learned that you are not detached.
And that is okay... but now you need to take the hard steps to get there.
It's about discovering what triggers you... what hurts you.. and believing that you are worth not hurting. You are worth protecting your heart... even if that is from YOURSELF.
For me - that was hard to grasp. As someone who often leads with her heart, it was hard to imagine that my HEAD might be a better guide.
And that the pond that my x and I share is too muddy with MY emotions. My fears, my angers, my expectations.
And if I were to swim in that pond... I would drown.
I do not sit at the pond and wait... but I do check on it from time to time.. and after 20 months - I know it's still cloudy.
I still want to swim in it..
The only thing that I can do is not throw rocks in the pond to keep the water churning. For me, that comes with the form of no contact, that comes with doing things that people would argue would "hurt" my chances or "would give her too much power".
And it sukks. It sukks that I cannot talk to certain people or family members. It sukks defriending people that I actually care about. It sukks that I cannot do certain things or visit certain places.
But until I heal and truly forgive - not only can I not have ANY kind of relationship with her (friendship or otherwise)... I don't think its possible for me to love her how God has intended us to love others......
... and that breaks my heart but the only thing I can do now. Just let go, heal, and have faith that God knows my true intentions.. even if they are shadowed with ugly feelings at the moment.
I know the water will one day settle. It will be forever changed... but it will be safe enough for me to swim in it again....
.. and I'm okay with it taking a long time... well... for the most part.
But I don't do these things in the hopes that ONE day the water might be clear enough for us to meet.. but so that my heart is free from the pain. Free of the shame and regrets for all of the rocks that i DID throw in that pond... and I can see its beautiful for what it is.
And for me to let the door open so if God does have things in store for her and I (for whatever reason together or separate)... I am not a stumbling block. For her or myself.
Sorry for the philosophical tangent.. but I believe this is the phase you are transitioning into. Just another phase of learning how to love yourself.
So what are your rocks? What do you need to do to protect yourself from YOU? (((( ))))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val - I needed to hear this, so thank you for such a great gift. ((((val))))
NG - I am in the same place you are... Let's forgive ourselves and walk together, shall we? I hope you are feeling better today.
((((NG))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Wow... you all are amazing. it overwhelms me how kind and loving this forum is... i feel so blessed to have found this place and to have found each of you.
i have dusted myself off and turned the page (thank you KG)... i am starting to forgive myself, it is a process but each day is easier. i am glad you came back to the boards too.. let's find a way together to laugh at our mistakes and let go of them.. ok sweet friend? And Afa, Busting and SS, I wish you lived close enough to join us.
Val, thank you sweet friend for the wonderful analogy... my pond is so muddy that no one can see anything in there actually, when i was little we had a pond close by and i kept getting these cool beautiful toy sailing boats which would unceremoniously sink quickly when i put them in the pond. so yesterday i thought that my hopes and expectations are like those boats, i continue to launch them into the pond and they continue to sink... and i throw a tantrum of sorts.
val, how did you get so wise at such a young age? you are amazing, lady.
ok.. there are things i know i need to do now.. i need to (for me...busting)
i will not have any contact with W or her family right now. i love her sister and nieces and nephews, but it is too much right now, too much pain. i need to take care of me. to do so, i am making a commitment to myself to come here and post before i make any contact.
i will stay away from the places that i would be more likely to see w.
i will not launch any boats or throw any rocks to test the waters... and to do that i need to get a better hold on my mind. i can not control my heart... but i can work on my mind. my IC said that i am not giving enough voice to the child part of me that feels so betrayed and scared. i was trying to act like i had forgiven before i was truly ready to do so. and you are right, Val, God knows where I want to be and understands that I am doing my best to get there.
i will keep moving forward in creating new parts of my life and expand to meeting more new people. i am going to commit to a writing workshop this weekend. i will commit to daily meditation. i will continue to access my friends more for support instead of trying to appear strong.
thank you all... this is where i need to be.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
well I'll be honest in saying that part of the analogy I stole from the show Xena. There is more than the one OBVIOUS reason why I have two chakram's tattooed on my back.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I am feeling like it would be better for me to not have contact with my SIL or any of W's family right now to help me detach from W. My concern is if I am avoiding or running away... any thoughts?
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
