I knew better...but I did it anyway...

[Sweetbriar]

Adinva...I emailed you 2 days ago...did you get it? If not, I can email you again. It was about this weekend!

Accuray...thanks for your input...I always appreciate when you comment on my thread..I value your opinion (along with everyone else..but you were one of the first to help me out on this board!) Im just really spinning for answers right now..and you are right..there arent going to be any. It is so hard to surrender the idea that he never felt love from me in all these years, but yet feels love from OW in just 9 months since he has met her... and really only 4 months since they have been exclusive. Its like a stab everytime I think of that because I honestly feel like I revolved my world around H and kids. Thats not to say there werent things I could have changed..of course, but I love him whole heartedly and still do and he just has pushed that aside for a new found love. H was broken for many years with his depression and I always tried to help in any way I could. Mainly, by allowing him to have a life of his own that involved LOTS of golfing. That was always an issue..how much spent golfing. But, I thought he needed it for his sanity after working all week and supporting our family. I also supported it by being there for him and knowing when he needed a break and when things were looking over whelming to him.

I remember when I first met H again..(we had worked together as young teens and then met again at his college when I was there visiting other friends) and H got very upset that night..and he started crying. Yes, crying to me about how awful his parents were and how they abused him and ruined him and that he hated his life and wanted to die. I remember feeling so sad for him and we started writing letters back and forth and forged a relationship that prompted him to drop out of college and move in with me. I WAS DOING THE SAME THING THE OW IS DOING NOW....I was catering to him and his emotional needs and back then there was no house and bills and kids to take care of . Just him and I. And I believe that is how it is with him and OW now..just the 2 of them..no worries and she is meeting every need and vice versa.

I dont believe that I stopped meeting his needs completely in our marriage, but life did get in the way, as it does when you are married 15 years and have 2 kids. We got comfy and then when lift became overwhelming...he ran. I dont know that I could have changed anything , yet he tells me that I had him for all these years and didnt take care of him. I have so many letters and cards where he has confessed his ultimate love for me and how much he appreciates all I did. Now he says that a "good mother" wouldnt keep her kids from their father. IM NOT DOING THAT! He left and the kids are resentful. He always looked at me with such love and then BAM....done. He doesnt love me anymore...he doesnt want to be in our marriage...He doesnt want to work on anything...when family was his # 1 thing always.

Im venting.sorry...but I just find it hard to surrender. I find it hard to move on and have a newborn and pretend that all is well and that we are some happy family. Im dying inside.. and I know he is too. But he will continue down this path of destruction and leave TONS of damage as he goes. He will continue to get closer to OW. That is what scares me the most is that the longer they are together, the closer and more in love they become.

"Your husband feels hurt and unloved by being distanced from his family, yet he chooses to remain distant. That makes no logical sense so it cannot be understood."

In resonse to this..He made the choice to leave and we have no choice but to distance ourselves from him right? Am I doing the right thing by being distanced? I thought I was and it made no difference...and if I pursue...it makes no difference...he doesnt care how I act..he has made his mind up to stay gone. The hurt and unloved feeling are those of which I feel he brought on himself..we were all here willing and ready to help him get help and he left the ones who loved him most??

He doesnt see it that way. He is throwing it all away for OW.

I hope that one day he will look back and see what he did and maybe realize that he made the biggest mistake of his life. I just cannot stop him as much as I want to...I really believe there is no helping him now. He is very far detached from this life we had. We are like strangers now..in just 5 months since he has been gone:(:(:(